I have always struggled with sexuality and the overlap between kink (D/s, BDSM, S&M the alphabet soup) and feminism), denying wiitwd as something crass, a commodification of sex modeled on MTV. I prayed, meditating to find a different outlet, exploring celibacy for years.
I have found the strength to surrender. This is my journey through the sublime and the embarrassing.
I got rid of my old bed. The iron one with lots of lattice that made it easy to be tied up. My new bed is a sleigh bed, much more traditional. No way to tie me up. But so much more comfortable when I nurse my son. And it will be better when we read books for years to come.
He is beautiful and a delight. I think I'm happier than I've ever been. I miss sex and physical closeness. I wish I had a partner. I'm shocked as how much kink is like mom/baby. I am responsible for all his needs; he has to trust me to meet them. I always put him first, but he doesn't really get a say in what happens (other than crying, which I listen to--I suppose some mom's can tell by the cry what is going on but I'm not one of them). I try to please him. So much. You can't spoil a baby But I also make sure I look out for his long-term needs. Molding him a bit. Training him a bit. I hope he grows up to be vanilla. I hope to protect him from all the world.
I don't miss dating. I may date again, but probably vanilla. If I met someone into kink, that would be amazing, but it will always be more important to me now to find someone who was a good father, rather than a good lover.
The end of a book series I loved ended with "I am content." But actually, I'm pretty joyous right now.
I've pretty much stopped dating because I'm going to try and get pregnant. When I dated "Martin" it threw all my plans into muck, and I realized that even if I knew how to talk about it with someone, I don't know how to be open to someone new and also move forward with wanting a child.
But I'm so terribly lonely right now.
I got a really big promotion at work. A big fucking deal. And I got some lovely text messages. But that's it. I miss brunch, so much. Dotty is still planning on moving back in a year and a bit (and we are getting together to celebrate in a couple of weeks, but that's a couple of weeks). And I have made a couple of new friends, but they are gal-friends who either have severe enough dietary or money restrictions they can't go out, or partners so we get together in early evenings on work nights. I don't have anyone I can truly celebrate with.
I'm trying to accept that, at least for the next few years, if all goes "well" I will be putting another being's needs far ahead of my own. And I've done that in lots of ways (boy do I miss stevia, and regular toe-nail polish! The all natural stuff just doesn't work well). But at night, I miss hearing MaxEarnest breathe. I miss kneeling at his feet. I miss kissing Martin. I miss John. (Although the only one I see is Tony, and he's the only one I don't miss--little twit.) I want to be a mom, more than anything else, but I can't even move forward with trying to get pregnant for another couple of months. And I'm so lonely right now.
I'm going to Italy next week for a couple of weeks. Last time I went to Europe, it was with Dotty. And before that it was with MaxEarnest.
I'm going to try and get pregnant this summer, and I'm very clear that I want to have a child. But I have pretty much stopped dating and I feel like I still have a Dotty-sized hole in my life. I know MaxEarnest and I wanted conflicting things. Intellectually I accept that. He said you can't have everything all the time, but every time I see his country on the map, I miss him.
The last guy I met on OK Cupid literally seemed like a performance artist--I couldn't believe someone could be quite that awful in every way. He was
living in his mom's basement
while he finished drug rehab
so he could get his driver's license unrevoked
because he HATES it here and always has so he was going to
move to LA and become a movie star at 45.
And he wondered why no one wanted to go out with him.
I tried to be kind, but I was really blunt that dating is about making roots and connections and if your only goal is to leave, now isn't the time to date. And the truth of the matter is, I expect he will find a partner before I will. Because I'm beginning to think, I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. And so it Dotty. And so are several other of my amazing friends.
It is hard not to be bitter about men. But I do think they care more about women look like than everything else combined. And I don't think I'm hot enough for most of them. (I was at Panera this week, and there was a guy next to me, complaining on the cell phone that he can't get a date because he doesn't have a job, and I felt like saying "I would totally go out with you without a job." But I didn't like how rude he was at Panera--we were in the room that is sort of the quiet room and he was talking loudly enough that everyone heard his business, for a very long time--I probably wouldn't go out with him. But not because of the job. I guess we're all picky. But, who am I kidding, if he'd asked me out, I would have given him a couple of dates to see if I liked him."
I've been watching Transparent and it is terrific. But the easy casualness with which everyone is hurting each other so badly is painful. Real, but painful. It reminds me of how much I feel I get casually ignored in ways that hurt. And I am probably doing it to other people, but I swear I'm at least aware of trying to take someone else's feelings into account. But I'm also aware of how much I shrink from conflict. I don't want people to be mad at me, so I go along way more than I want to.
Martin said something wise back whenever: "the givers have to stop giving because the takers won't stop taking."
I think this is a really big issue for me, and I don't really know how to stop. I was listening to the Invisibilia episode on Entanglement, and I feel like the "mirror touch synesthesia" is probably a spectrum and I have about 10% of it. When people are upset, I feel it--especially anger.
I'm pretty good about not feeling for people that I don't care about. (Although, interestingly, on Christmas my dad and I had to run to the store for a couple of things and I gave $5 to a homeless man, and I was embarrassed my dad saw--like somehow it was a personality failing--usually I give to organizations--so I was actually a bit ashamed to do an act of charity on a day supposedly commemorating that. I'm sure my dad is right and he used it for booze or weed, but I have so much and he seemed to have very little.) But this woman has been staying with me since November (and she is leaving today--glory! Hallelujah!) and it has been an interesting way to exam how and why I overreact and then give too much.
She has been incredibly unhappy since the day she arrived (and I was doing her a favor!) and I thought it was me. I kept thinking if I just did one more thing, she would be content. I have a tendency towards less tidiness than I should. For the most part, I keep the main areas of the house presentable, but during the week, things get a little more hectic and then I tidy every weekend. I have been trying to keep things in better shape since work got stable, but no one would call me tidy. This person, will call her Michelle (and I will never mention her after today) was furious all the time. She'd go in the kitchen and I would been slow-cooking and she would slam a pot since no all 4 elements were clear. A lot of slamming doors, loud martyrly sighs,and stomping around. And I kept trying to please her and she kept sucking more and more.
At a certain point I stopped being emotionally engaged with her. I still tried to do what I thought she wanted a little, but I stopped caring. I tried to be friendly, but I did not want to be friends. This last week she has had multiple meltdowns that had NOTHING to do with me. She actually yelled at me because she didn't like her hairdresser at an incredibly expensive salon. She was angry in my direction about the post office and a couple of other things that were just not my fault.
Interestingly, Martin's words buzzed in my ears and I started to set some limits. We both had to be out on Bainbridge Island and I said I had some work to do and went to a coffee shop just so I wouldn't have to ride back with her. I didn't actually have much work to do--I just wanted to not be around her wall of anger from her. If I hadn't given up on having any kind of relationship with her, I would have tried to make it better. It was pretty clear she saw through my bullshit excuse and just attacked me; as she went from being passive aggressive to just being aggressive-aggressive, I realized how much I fear letting other people down. But I need to sometimes. She wanted all my emotional energy all of the time. She would never stop taking, so I stopped giving.
I fear other people's anger. I really, really hate it when people lose their composure and even when I know it isn't about me, it is really hard to detach. If' I'm dating a guy and he yells at me, I will immediately burst into tears and then do whatever I can possibly think of to make him not angry. And I assume it is me who has made him angry and I assume I can make it better. On some level, I realize that is hubris, but on another level, I feel this quite deeply.
I realize there's two parts of my personality that are similar, but quite different. I like to please people--most people. I bring my clients homemade brownies; I buy my family members things that remind me of them; I gave the woman who makes my coffee at Dunkin Donuts a $25 gift card this Christmas. My first Dom said I was the most thoughtful person he'd ever known. But that is really different from being submissive. If a guy (like my first Dom, known on this blog as "the ex") mistakes my thoughtfulness for submissiveness and takes my thoughtfulness as his due as a Dom, I got really burnt out. I don't know now to keep them clear. But I do think it is important to figure that one out.
It was a really rough Christmas, but another fucking
opportunity for growth (AFOG).
I’m still not quite sure what happened, but the dinner after
I arrived, my brother was busy with his 3-year-old and his 1-year-old. He would drift in an out of the conversation
and we would pay attention to the 3-year-old when the kid wanted attention, but
we were also caching up a bit—I haven’t seen anyone since August. I made a comment that I really liked the
TSA-Precheck and suggested that my brother and sister-in-law get it because
there kids would be covered too. My dad
asked me about some of his friends in Seattle.
Then my brother got SO angry at me. He claimed I was "manipulating and dominating" the conversation so it was all about me.
He knows I care about politics and thought the comment about TSA was me
bringing up politics again in an inappropriate time.
From my point of view, he was distracted by his kids and
people haven’t seen me for months. I don’t
actually care about TSA. (Police
murdering black kids is my current political obsession.) My dad did ask about some mutual friends and
I answered, but if my brother had been fully engaged, we probably wouldn’t have
gone there. (In my opinion, my brother
isn’t usually a very good host. I tend
to really like things like table napkins and water, and he never has them for
company. He usually drops the silverware
in a pile in the middle, has a stack of bowls and we ladle out soup.) We were working around the kids.
But what I think is worth blogging is how hard he laid into
me. There was a situation created by 7
people, but according to my brother, it was all my fault.
Both my mom and dad stood up for me and basically said: “You
were raised to think everything was Connie’s fault and it isn’t.” My dad said he started therapy because he
didn’t want to treat me that way anymore. That was nice. I’m not used to feeling like anyone ever
takes my side in anything.
It makes me realize why I crave male approval so much
because male disapproval was SO awful growing up. Something would set my dad off then (or my
brother now), that was really little, and he would just attack me. I had to predict what he wanted because he
wouldn’t say “hey—can you do this.” My
brother could have said “hey, I’m feeling left out.” But instead he said “Connie
is manipulating and dominating.”
And I over-react.
They are just words. But I had
been in this really lovely space before this happened, for a couple of weeks. I was feeling confident and like my heart was
getting bigger. Both my parents clearly
thought I was in love with someone, which I’m not but it was nice to find that
place just on my own. Work has been a
constant source of stress for years, and now it isn’t. But I haven’t been able to get back there
since my brother lit into me. I’m not in
a horrible space, but not in a joyous one either. I’m SO tired of watching everything I do and
I had sort of gotten away from that.
Now, I’m not fully answering people’s questions and trying to avoid eye
contact with anyone when my brother is around.
Mostly, I’m singing to my one-year-old niece (very softly—wouldn’t want
to appear to dominate things) and doing dishes. I taught my nephew "Angels We Have Heard on High" and he liked the "gloria" part that I love. My brother is very happy to have a conversation that is between him and
my dad with the women folk off taking care of the dishes and kids. I wouldn’t say, ouloud, that he is manipulating and
dominating so everything is about him, but I sure do feel it.
This could be me. Except in many ways she is way more successful than I am. I admire her series SO much!! I didn't date much at all in my 20s. But I did date in my 30s. Well the 2nd half of my 30s. I got fuckable after 35 and have dated pretty non-stop. I actually date more than most of my single friends combined. But now, at 43, I'm still fuckable, but if I want to have a kid, I need to do that soon. I haven't, in the last 10 years, met someone serious.
I love her courage and her vulnerability. I'm frankly in awe. She does, in podcast form, which is so much more intimate and vulnerable, what I try to do here. And she does it with her realCam name.
A couple more things that have come up:
Butterflies: Are they good? I totally get her view of being wary of them. Martin was the first guy who gave me butterflies in a very long time. And I don't know if I can hope for butterflies again. But I also know that butterflies haven't always led me in the right direction.
Not about me: I did learn with John that it isn't always about me. I know that. I have a feeling with Martin, it wasn't about me either. Or at least not all about me.
What do I want/need
Is it too much with kink to have a guy who loves dominating, but cherishes his partner? Have I put too much emphasis on kink? Should I
The guy who found her podcast and said "Don't worry, it made me like you more." That won't be me, because this is anonymous. But I guess I wish, somehow, like with MaxEarnst, he fell for me because of this blog.
I have a good life. (I say that a lot because I'm trying to avoid getting maudlin, but also because it is true.)
Camry vs. Ferrari
If you listen to the last episode, a guy that she didn't want to date talked with her, and gave her some advice, which is "you're a Ferrari--most guys can't handle a ferrari. But the man that wants one, will absolutely love it." She gives him a lot of pushback, wants to be a camry. I found it SO interesting because he was saying how strong she was and she said "I'm not when I date." She (and I) see ourselves as outside the norm. I told someone recently that I wished I had 30 less IQ points--life would be SO much easier if I were within 2 standard deviations of normal. All those extra IQ points get me are being stubborn, noticing flaws that aren't necessary to notice, not a hell of a lot more. She also spoke about how she had a dating persona, that was softer. I think I do that somewhat too. I probably do it less on the phone, and what makes me sad about Martin is that he liked me better as Connie, than as dating-Connie, and I didn't realize it or get there quick enough.
I have to say, the whole series left me far more content. Yes, I'm single. Yes, that kind of sucks in our society. Yes, it is lovely to have someone to cuddle up next to. But maybe there isn't much wrong with me. Maybe I need to own my strength more, put it out there. I think I actually do in my written profile, but I don't trust that a man will love it.
I read this really interesting article, and here's the dirty truth: I don't always trust the feelings of women as much as I do the feelings of men. And, without a doubt, if a man is upset at me, I will get a bit frantic, trying to make it right. Right now, a woman is having, what I consider to be a temper tantrum at me, and I'm annoyed at her behaviour (don't beg to stay with me then slam a door at 2 in the morning!), but it doesn't impact my equilibrium.
If a guy behaved this way, well honestly, if a guy behaved this way, I'd be genuinely scared. The truth is, we don't let men have full range of anger the way we permit women We don't take women hitting men seriously as a problem and we accept a little irrational anger from women because we view them as moody and emotional, but also impotent.
But tone that anger one level down, if a man I had any respect for at all (and honestly, I've lost respect for this woman, and I lost it quicker than I would have if a man did the same thing, because I don't see my behaviour, or even more, who-I-am-as-a-human-being, as being flawed in this situation), it would make me frantic to make it right. And even that phrase "make it right" implies I've done something wrong that can be set right.
When women criticize me, if if I already respected them, it can annoy me, but I lose respect for the woman criticizing me fairly quickly. (I try to look at the behaviour and see if I have done things that need to be changed, but I'm quick to say "why didn't you just ask me to ___________.") When a man I respect (and they are few and far between) criticizes me, I lose respect for myself. (And yes, I over-react to criticism from anyone I respect.)
So there it is. Gender norms aren't just things men do to women. They are part of a system that have impacted us always. My mom nurtured me; my dad criticized me. (And this was more extreme in my life than in many others.) And I perpetuate the system. But frankly, I think I'm pretty good at solving problems with women. I want to get more like an observer watching with interest, but not passion, with others.
So I've basically ended things with the last guy. I told him when he is in my town, I'm happy to get coffee, but I realized he was putting most of the work on me and he was also really taking me for granted. It is weird because he would literally text me 500 times in a day (I would text him back, but I use google voice, so I can text from my computer--I would never send 500 texts from my phone in a day!) but it isn't necessarily because he adored me--it is because he adores his phone. He couldn't put the damn thing away when we were together. And I want someone who can. (There were other things too, but this is a big one.)
And yet: I have not put my profile back up. And I'm not sure if I should. Do I want to ride this roller-coaster again? Or do I want to try to get pregnant on my own in 2015. I don't think I'm capable of dating and dealing with the fertility clinic. When I meet someone I like, I want to have everything with that person. Martin would have been worth waiting a year or two for. But that is over. And frankly, I'm not sure I'm strong enough to ride that roller-coaster yet again, with someone else. I really do want to have a kid. And if I go that way, in, say, 4 years, I could probably start dating again.
The whole thing is terrifying.
I'm so sad Stephen Colbert is killing off his character tonight. And I'm sure he's doing it because he would be tempted to revisit his character, and this way he can't. I'm not sure I can actually watch it. But part of me thinks I should delete, instead of just hiding, my CollarMe profile. Make a break and move on to the next chapter of my life.
I won't do it quite yet. FOr all I know, I'll unhide it in a couple of weeks. But I'm thinking about it.
I suck at setting limits. I'm absolutely horrible.
There is a guy--(I blogged about him a month or two ago) who wants to be friends and has a girlfriend. And sometimes it is fine, but he wanted to know where "Dotty" lived and I told him the state, but wouldn't say where and he really was pushing me because he has spent some time in that state. I told him bluntly No, and he got all pissy about it! He was like "you gave me googleable photos and I didn't google them. I'm not a bad guy." And I was like "I gave you pictures of me; I will not, under any circumstances, give info to you that makes Dotty googleable." And he kept being annoyed with me.
And it made me feel HORRIBLE!
Now I'm 100% sure that my ethics are clear on this. I can take risks with my own safety. I try to be wise about it, but I cannot take risks with Dotty. (I trusted him enough to send on some photos that are googleable. For what it is worth, I have a very large google footprint; the first three pages of results on my first name and last name, without a middle initial even, are all of me and they tell you where I work, where I live, how much I've paid for my house, and a ton of other information; Likewise, Dotty has an even larger google footprint than I do. Google is a very real deal for both of us.)
So why does it make me feel so horrible?
Well, for one, it isn't very submissive. I'm saying "No, this is the way it will be." But I've never submitted to him. I don't think that is it.
He implied that I hurt his feelings, and I work really hard to not hurt people's feelings. He took it personally, when I wouldn't tell anyone I didn't know well who knew my blog where she lived. But the implication of hurt feelings makes me feel like I've really done something wrong.
I also crave male approval. And more than that, male disapproval is very hard for me, if I have any respect at all for a guy. I just wanted this guy to say "Oh, sorry--I get it; my bad" but he really viewed it as an insult and pushed harder. In all honesty, this makes me think I should just cut off all contact with him--he makes me feel shitty more often than he makes me feel good.
Is it that "I have to be perfect to be loved?" Is it that I didn't have a lot of limits respected growing up and it is easier to have a limit you haven't established ignored than someone plow right over one I've tried to make clear? I've never been good about standing up for myself, but I thought I was good about standing up for other people. I never wavered on not saying where Dotty lived, but it really did make me feel shitty.
I have noticed that I tend to let a few people in, and those people, I really do crave their approval. But anyone not in my inner circle, I don't care about what they think. But I'm not good at looking at each thing and weighing the advice. It tends to be linked to the person.
I do set some limits when dating in the beginning and if a guy ignores it, I just toss them into the 'crazy' bucket. (For example, you'd be shocked how many men want to come over to my apartment on a first meet! I have NO problem telling them no.) But once I know someone better, I get really lousy really quickly at this.
So, the grown-up in me has come to an amazing realization: if I want to keep seeing this man, I have to ask for what I need.
I'm really not very good at that. And for some things, I don't know how. "I want to feel cherished--you don't have to pay for everything, but make me feel cherished in other ways." Not very specific. And even saying something like that is really hard for me. I sort of feel like I should appreciate what is offered. I would never have a gift registry--how is this not like demanding what someone buys your for a present?
One of my friends has two daughters--4 and 6, and she wants them to be good at asking for what they want when they are older. She is teaching them to ask for what they like for meals, for books, for games. The girls will say things like "that isn't the kind of book I like." On one level, I couldn't imagine saying something like that. It would never have been tolerated when I was a child: I'm giving you a gift (reading you a book) and you're going to criticize which one I pick? If someone offers, you can give a request, but don't volunteer it. Appreciate what is given. Graciously.
But why the hell not? Does any adult actually care which book they are reading until kids are old enough for Harry Potter or the Mixed up Files or Alice in Wonderland? Why should I be reading Pippi Longstockings if they'd rather hear something else? I'm reading because I think they would enjoy it, so it makes sense! And her girls are super-nice about not always getting what they like. "I don't really like parsnips, but the noodles are good." Totally different than what I learned. But why not?
So, whether or not this guy and I work, I think it would be really good for me to try to express what I want. It is kind of scary that I don't even know where to start.
I was driving home from a date (a long, long, long way--180 miles!) and I was crying. The radio seemed to channel what I needed to hear--it was kind of amazing: First we had a medley of "the man that got away" (which I sang, obsessively, after John died), with "It Never Entered my Mind," which seemed to taunt me in my present situation:
Once I laughed when I heard you saying That I'd be playing solitaire
Uneasy in my easy chair ....
I'd awaken with the sun
And order orange juice for one
It never entered my mind
You had what I lack, myself
Now I even have to scratch my back myself
Once you warned me that if you scorned me
I'd say a lonely prayer again
And wish that you were there again
To get into my hair again
It never entered my mind
Once you warned me that if you scorned me
I'd say a lonely prayer again
And wish that you were there again
To get into my hair again
It never entered my mind
And then they played the dirtiest version of "Everything I've Got Belongs to you" that I have ever heard. I always thought it was as kinky as Lorenz Hart goes (and that's saying something), but this one was filthy (this is a little cleaner than what they played, but I can't find what they played on-line, alas)
I'm terrified to tell this guy I won't see other people. It feels like such a compromise. I can't look at him and say "that's all I ever need." I took out my phone to text Martin, to ask him if he was sure. And then I got my wits back and deleted the text. He knows where I am, and if he weren't sure, I'm sure he would have contacted me. But damn. In 10 years since I started doing the kink thing (wow--can't believe it has been that long) there were 3 men I fell for hard: John; MaxEarnest and Martin. MaxEarnest was lovely. And we tried to make it work, and I see why it won't. John was so very painful, but I know he cared for me too and it just wasn't right. I just feel stupid I still care about Martin.
When I first started dating Martin, I didn't think it could work (mostly because of the age thing) and I prayed to a God I don't believe in, "please, if it isn't going to work, let me know sooner rather than later." And the God I don't believe in granted that prayer.
When I started dating this guy, I prayed to the same God I don't believe in, "Please, let this work." This guy is also too young for me (but older than Martin). And it could work. It really could. But I don't think I could ever fall in love with him. I think it would always feel like a compromise. Honestly, I want more than he is offering. Somehow, one date at Dave and Busters seemed playful and silly and sure-why-not? And I don't mind paying for myself. And I don't mind that he pulls my hair is a way that hurt-hurts rather than surrender-hurts. But I do mind that I showed him how I liked it and he went back to the way he was doing it. Martin knew what I loved without me telling, and I'm sure if I were good he would have done what I liked. And I mind that this guys asks me to scratch his leg, then zones out and rests his hand on his shoulder so his hand is between me and him. And I mind that he checks his cell phone about once every 5 minutes. And long-term, I really respect a lot of his tenacity. But I don't respect all his choices. I pay for myself because he doesn't have much money at all, even though we make about the same. That's OK--(It is called feminist surrenders, after all), but I don't feel cherished by him in other ways. I don't respect his money choices. My only debt is my mortgage (which is half-paid-off because I believe in long-term frugality) and I have about 250k in various savings. He has no assets, spends too much on a rental apartment (and I'm judgmental here, which might be hypocritical because 4 years ago, I blew all my savings and was scraping by to buy a place that was bigger than I needed, but I feel like it is different because I was buying and he's renting--why blow your budget on a rental--I just don't get it). He has joked multiple times that he wishes I'd buy him an PS4 for Christmas. And the joke has happened enough that I wonder if he's joking. I know how badly he wants one. I know that I wouldn't notice the money missing from my checking account. but I know I would resent buying him a $500 (or whatever they cost) present unless he did something similar for me. And I don't want or need a $500 present. It is weird--I would love a handmade card. OK, truth be told if we had been going out longer and he bought me pretty jewelry, I would love it. But $100 jewelry--I don't need $500.
He wants to stop seeing other people; I only have to say the word. He has already started to talk about how we might make this work longer-term. But I don't want another night at Dave and Busters. I mean, sure that would be fine twice a year. But not until, say, the 4th of July. I want to go along with what he wants. But I want him to want what I want! Isn't that every submissive's dilemma? Of course, I'm keeping him at arms length because I'm not ready to sleep with him and there are really limited choices halfway between us. Maybe if I went and spent the weekend it would be better. But I'm sure if we had sex, I'd start to fall, and I just don't know if this is all I can hope for.
He could be good enough. He is kinky, liberal, smart, hard-working and likes Sondheim. I would have thought Sondheim meant more than it seems to. But his world seems rather small to me. And I'm not sure I can be happy confined in it.
I'm reading Tiffany Reisz' books, which are great (although I don't like The Mistress as much as the first three). But in them, all the characters are incredibly kinky (and ridiculously hot), and they are also a bit damaged. But kink isn't the damage--that is the salvation--damage comes from denying who one is, or from other things. Like the way the closet so badly hurt gay people. And then I was reading The New York Times and came across an article on men who use date rape drugs that ended by saying: "Often enough, therapists say, people with such sexual preferences can learn to integrate those into a healthy, consensual relationship — sadomasochism, for instance, bondage, or foot fetish."
WOW! The New York Times is saying "hey--some twisted people are able to find a good way to handle it through healthy S&M relationships!"
I was really enjoying Tiffany Reisz's books. (I think I blogged about The Siren earlier this year. I was being very good and just getting one at a time, as a reward, but (spoiler alert) the third one ended with our heroine kidnapped and the fourth one has her in jeopardy--I feel like the 4th one Reisz loses a bit of what I love about the books because although I'm sure our heroine isn't going to be killed, it has that stress running under it, and had almost no hot sex scenes. The sex is more hardcore than I am, but deeply interesting. In one scene, our heroine comes into her Dom's bedroom and sees black sheets, which means knife play. I don't think I could ever be someone who could acquiesce to that with openness and excitement, but at the same time, I loved the ritual element of it. Not the knife play as much as the black sheets.
In the books, the lead heroine is Nora, and she is voracious, kinky, bi, switch and totally without shame. In one scene, she's having sex with a vanilla guy and while I think of her as more submissive than dominant because her primarily relationship is with her Dom, she is so straight-forward about telling her vanilla lover what she likes. I've never been good at that. I think I reread that scene about 5 times, noticing it is quite hot the way she does it, but also very assertive. She does sometimes question if kink is necessary to her. She always seems to come back to it, without shame. Sure, she sometimes wonders what it would be like to have less bruises, but there is this joyous voraciousness.
It is funny, Dotty was here and she knows the guy I'm currently crushing on was from a kinky website, and Dotty is convinced I'm really not very kinky. Of course, I think Dotty's years in an emergency room may have made her conflate careless (or horribly unlucky) with what she defines as kinky. (Dotty is MOST definitely not-at-all kinky--had a lover 20 years ago that liked to spank her and she HATED it.) But it was also Dotty sortof saying "Connie-don't apologize. I know you're kinky--but you aren't going to be in the emergency room with a Statue of Liberty replica up your ass that you can't get out--you're well within a single standard of deviation of normal."
The heroine of the books, Nora, could live a more glamorous life than she does, but both she and her Dom go back and forth between the normal world and the kink world. They can pass in either. They don't apologize for who or how they love, even if they have sensible regrets about other things.
I feel like I'm close to grasping that. I haven't written about my current crushing, in part because this man has made a place where he and I are already talking about things I would normally save for here. And so, I don't have that aching need to unravel knots here--I've already untangled things with him. He has also shared incredibly personal stuff with me. I haven't told him about this blog, but I wouldn't want to share anything about him that is personal, so I don't know how to write about it. But I also don't feel the need. Maybe because, in my opinion, angst is the foundation of good blogging and, at least for the moment, I seem to be feeling less angst.
I've been listening compulsively to The Secret Garden this weekend, which seems like a perfect album for a 13 year old girl. (I used to love the show, but kind of forgot about it. I was listening to an interview with John Cameron Mitchell, whom I really love from Hedwig and the Angry Inch. I had absolutely no idea he originated the part of Dickon in The Secret Garden. So I found my old CD and just started falling into the show.) There is something so deeply beautiful about the show, And yet it is deeply unsatisfying. It brings up SO much emotion in each of the stunning songs, but no character changes, learns, grows or develops. I trust that isn't a metaphor for my life, but it does feel like a metaphor for my dating life.
Another unremarkable date yesterday. Nothing like Friday's date. But the service at the restaurant was so slow that we had to wait over an hour for brunch. I hadn't eaten anything beforehand, not even my customary cup of coffee. They clearly lost our order and our waitress was unhelpful, He complained first. I complained second. He complained third, but by the time our meal came at 1 (and I usually eat something by 11), we were both a little a bit out of sorts. We had chemistry the last time we went out, and the truth is, if he'd grabbed me after brunch when we were walking in the park, we might have had it again, but he didn't.
But here's the real question keeping me up at night: do I go ahead with IVF or not. I assumed that if the 26-year-old and I worked out, I would postpone that plan. (Fuck it. The 26-year-old needs a name. My head keeps saying "you knew it wouldn't work out." But my heart fell for him. He is the last guy since MaxEarnest worth a tear. He touched me in a way that MaxEarnest did. John did. Hell, Bobby did and I spent less time with Bobby and he was far more honest than Bobby. Bobby merited a name.) So, I assumed that if Martin, A.K.A. the 26-year-old, and I had been dating, we would have had a conversation in January or so and if he were serious, I would have postponed the whole parenthood thing.
There are several intriguing men I'm talking with. But there will always be intriguing men that I'm talking with. It feels like CollarMe (CollarSpace technically--even its name has changed as it stays the same) is a lot more like The Secret Garden, even if they have very different target markets!. There are these beautiful moments with interchangeable characters. A few moments stand out, but even with the few men actually become individuals, it is a moment. A marvelous moment. A beautiful, ephemeral time. Each song or guy is really interesting on a self-contained level, but it doesn't go anywhere.
Maybe my standards are much too high. I was talking with a guy and his handle was something like "Intellectual Conscious." And from what I could tell, he dropped out of college, doesn't read much more than his facebook feed, defines conscious as helping people, but doesn't volunteer. I was intrigued he would define himself that way, but the more I talked to him, the more I felt like he didn't even have a clue as to what I could define his handle as. Trying to make conversation was like pulling teeth. I couldn't even understood why he messaged me.
I know I want to have a child. I didn't want to until I was dating the first ex of this blog (someone else who probably deserves a name, but I don't have any emotional stickiness there, and, frankly, the way I let him treat me is best forgotten.) But for the last 8 years or so, I have been pretty clear that I want to share this life with a child. I don't know if the wisest thing is to hide my CM profile and just let go of that part of my life. When said child (assuming I can get pregnant and have a healthy child) is 4 or so, I could always turn it back on. If CM still exists then. But who knows who I'd be then?
Or maybe the occasional moments make it worth continuing to try. I wish I knew the wisest thing to do.
The 26-year-old said something that I think was really wise. My grandfather tried to sexually abuse me from a pretty young age. You could absolutely call what he was doing grooming. I've never really thought of it as problematic because I ALWAYS fought back. I was in Kindergarten (or earlier, not really sure of the time, but we moved after kindergarten) when I threw water in his face when he wouldn't stop tickling me. My grandmother was furious with me. (Despite the fact that both her daughters confronted her with his persistent and far more traumatic abuse of both of them.)
The truth is, I've always been proud of the 6-year-old (or younger) who could take care of herself.
But the 26-year-old pointed out that I shouldn't have had to.
By the time I was 6, I saw men as someone I had to protect myself against.
I don't really know what that means. I clearly trusted MaxEarnest. I actually trusted the 26-year-old. I also see myself flipping quite quickly from "not-trusting" to "trusting." Yesterday, I refused to tell Mr. half-an-hour-late where I worked and he was really annoyed with me on that. (I think, in fact, that is when he started to pull away from me.) Maybe, like a 6-year-old, I don't have a good in-between-ground. Someone is good or bad. I'm not sure. But maybe there was something there that I should tease out.
In the meanwhile, I should really be getting work done. I seem to be procrastinating more than usually with this blog lately. I have a grant proposal due in 8 days. I have to focus!!!
Dreadful date with the guy that demanded so very much. I am annoyed at him--he asked me to wait outside, it is fricking freezing and he was over half an hour late. I actually thought I was being stood up, and had paid to leave the parking garage when I got his text that he was coming. (I had sent 4 gracious texts and called before I left.) He was then a little annoyed that I hadn't stayed. In the freezing for over half an hour. And by the time we met up, any chance of chemistry was long gone.
But whatever--that is small change in this world--a tiny inconvenience. But I am left feeling out of sorts, needy, insecure and angry. Not a lovely combination. I gave something I should not have given. And I knew it at the time.
There is that little voice that says "this isn't wise." And sometimes that voice is right, and sometimes it isn't. If I always followed that voice, I'd probably never leave my house. But that voice was screaming loud and clearly.
I look at what happened with this guy, and it started with very reasonable requests. But each reasonable thing that I acceded to made me more likely to say "yes Sir" to the next. After all, I'd already done these things, what is one more? And all of sudden, he's asking me not to play with myself. I told him I thought that was a bad idea, but he asked me to do it to please him. And I did.
I'm not going to remember this twit in a week. (I actually will put a note on his CM profile, next time he is online, to make sure that if he contacts me in 6 months, I remember to pass--I'm currently talking with a guy that I had made a note in my phone I didn't want to talk to again, because I forgot to put a note on CM. Although the weird thing is, this other guy creaped me out but he never called me after I asked him not to and I think he's the only person I put a note on my phone. He e-mailed very respectfully to see if I'd be willing to talk with him, so I think maybe I misjudged. But I'm being wary none-the-less.) But even though I'm not going to remember this twit, I need to learn from this. I can't extend myself that way too often. I see how quickly it could make me cynical, or it could make me go too far with the next guy, because it creates a void and if you don't avoid a void, it must be voided, usually in unhealthy ways. I have really good boundaries for information that keeps me physically safe. (The guy today pushed REALLY hard about where I worked, and I refused to tell him and that was easy for me. In part, because the truth is, I wear the ring that John had for a year. I took it off when I was dating MaxEarnest. But that is it. I wear that ring and I have sort of promised myself that I will wear it until I'm dating someone that John would think is good enough for me. And until that ring comes off, I know I need to keep myself safe.)
I'm glad I ignored that voice with the 26-year-old. I'm annoyed I ignored it this week. How to be wise and also take risks? And how to deal with stupid things like today and not be cynical?
It started off very fun--playful Dom-Sub thing. He said a couple of times "please wear lipstick." "I love lipstick." "I really like lipstick." I said, after the 3rd or 4th time, "If I forget lipstick, you can take me to Walgreens, pick out any color you like, and I'll buy it." He said: "It would be saphora [sic] and it would be my treat." And I said "That's no way to make me not misbehave, but I'll be good and remember my lipstick." He said: "Leave your lipstick at home--we'll meet at saphora."
Then, he said "I know I'm not seeing your underthings, but I'm rather particular. Would you wear lace for me?" So, yes.
But then he asked me to agree to not play with myself until our date. I initially said yes, but this feels wrong. It feels wrong and several levels.
I don't know him! I don't know if I'm going to like him! We had a nice, hour-long conversation, but it was nothing like the connection I felt with the 26-year old. I have a feeling, if he gives me instructions and I follow them after our date, I will end up being more drawn to him, more quickly than makes intellectual sense.
Also, frankly, I play with myself most nights. It is how I fall asleep. I have a stupid little injury right now that hurts, and it was SO hard to fall asleep last night. And, of course, agreeing not to play with myself makes me want to play with myself even more!!
But the other issue is I am submitting without being dominated. It is so different for someone to grab my hair, look me in the eyes and tell me how to please him.
This is SO different from my first meet with the 26-year-old, who wouldn't give me any suggestions, even when I asked, but then grabbed my hair (and a lot of other things). Not that I thought I was being wise there either, but I was being foolish in a different way.
But then I've always thought I wanted to strive to "Make new mistakes." This is a new mistake. We talked about it this morning, and I did give him my word I would do it. But my brain is saying "Constance--what the fuck." But I am still submitting. I guess I don't want to fuck up the chance of actually being dominated.
So I got elected to the board, but no salary increase. It is 90% good news and I'm trying to focus on the good. I have a job as long as this organization is afloat. But not getting the salary increase makes it hard to accept that I got elected to the board. It is most excellent! I want to feel that in my bones and not focus on what I didn't get.
With other people, I can always say "congrats! Don't worry about what didn't happen" but with myself, I'm always focusing on what I didn't do.
I'm letting someone stay with me for a month--we're trading my guest room for personal training (although I have a bad enough injury, I may have to take a raincheck on the personal training). She is a sweetie I've known for a few years, but I also see my constant apologizing exaggerated in her. She literally apologizes for nearly everything. I had someone coming to clean today and found her dusting before the cleaning person got here, and she apologized for it! I tried to tell her that she doesn't need to apologize so much and how I've struggled with that, and she apologized for apologizing. And I've done that too!! But not for maybe a decade.
It's interesting because she and I are very different--she was very successful at doing the girly-thing and I was never good at that. I was pretty darn successful at my career, and she wasn't so good at that. But now, she's 57 and she looks amazing for her age, but she's 57. She still is a size 2 with long blond hair and a great figure, but she can't get by on her cute appearance with the guys anymore. Thus, I think, the personal training with women who are amazed at how good she looks for her age. But $50 an hour on a piecemeal basis is a hard life when you don't have health insurance and the rest. Men were always happy to support her 30 years ago, even, I think 15 years ago. Now she is piecing together gigs, basically living a month at a time and she doesn't know how the hell she'll survive in 10 years. I am in a much more solid financial position than her.
As I've gotten stronger in the rest of my life, I apologize less. As she has gotten more precarious in her looks, she apologizes more. But I think, from both ends, it is apologizing for not meeting an arbitrary standard of the male gaze. I can't say I'm wiser than her--who the hell would I be if I'd been cute when I was younger? But I wouldn't trade my life for hers now. Maybe if I could have had 30 years of being adored, but I don't think so. I SO wish I had been adored by a man that I fell in love with. But I look at her life, lived around that, when it didn't work the way she hoped, and I'm grateful it wasn't an easy option for me.
One of my friends, who is also struggling with being early 40s and single, says I shouldn't say "I'm not going to meet someone" I should say "I may not meet someone." And I can see her wisdom, but I don't know how to build a life with the latter. If I can accept the former, it feels like it would make an easier life. But who am I kidding--I have two first dates already for the next couple of weeks, probably a third over Christmas (a guy who once again claims he'd move here to be with me--why do I always fall for that line?) and several more men I'm chatting with. Clearly, I put energy into meeting someone. Right now, though, it feels like a long-shot.
I'm attempting to chronicle angst, feminism, submission, and the alphabet soup of kink (BDSM, S&M, D/s, wiitwd). And the rest of my life when it seems blog-worthy. All names have been changed. All feelings are as honest as my current awareness allows.
If one wanted to reach me, one could take the heroine of DH Lawrence's most notorious novel, put 2 underscores between her title and last name and send it to exceedingly warm mail. (I really don't want google to pick anything up.)
