Correlation and causation

I had the most intense dream about MaxEarnest last night.  It was one of those weird dreams, where you really feel like you are there.  We were biking together and eating on his balcony.  It made me very sad to wake up.

The weird thing is, though, that I think the Mirena is making me much more of a typical woman, in that I'm less interested in sex and more interested in just cuddling.  Definitely kink is less of a need, but I find myself missing just lying next to someone more and more.

It is also changing how I view kink.  I had become very anti-kink as a thing. Even if I embrace my right to have a great sex life, I really do want to change the culture so 12-year-olds aren't seeing images of women being objectified and humiliated.  We live in an incredibly sexist culture, and I feel that more and more every day.  I listen to NPR and there are 3 men for every woman.  I was watching MSNBC last night (normally I just listen to Rachel Maddow as an audio-only podcast without commercials, but I was flying and it was on the plane) and on the Chris Matthews show they had 7 men and one woman as guests.  Chris Hayes was better, but still didn't have anywhere near parity.  

It isn't surprising we have a culture that eroticses (spell check says that right, but it looks wrong to me--eroticizes or eroticses? weird) women's submission and men's domination.  And how much better that the people being subjugated can play a part in their own subjugation.  

But, if the Mirena makes me more vanilla, it changes how I view this a lot.  Because if changing my hormones (and for those that don't know, the Mirena is an IUD that has hormones that make you chemically infertile) makes me vanilla, then the cause of my submission is probably not the culture--it is probably chemical.  And if that's the case, then the sexist culture still pisses me off, but it didn't change the fabric of my erotic yearnings. If I'd be kinky if I never saw MTV and MTV helped give me a vocabulary for what my body wanted, then MTV isn't so bad.  I still want to change the culture.  I want to turn on NPR or MSNBC or open the New York Times and have half the voices be women's.  But MTV is all about sex.  And maybe, chemically, kink is our body's way of getting us laid.  

(P.S. Lord Of Hael, I'm happy to talk.  I'm at lady__chatterley (2 underscores) at extremely warm mail.)

Male Entitlement

I was talking with a sweet friend of mine who is turning 40 this year.  She is part of a fairly conservative Christian church and facing that she will probably not be a mom.  She would like to adopt but doesn't think her church would approve.  She has been out with a string of men that just left her very sad and we were talking about how men don't think they need to improve themselves--they think they are just fine the way they are.  

I took the bus today and there were 3 guys taking up 2 seats each.  Actually, one of them was really taking up 3 seats.  There was about a dozen of us standing (mostly women actually).  It was so bizarre, and yet so common-place.

And then I went on OKCupid and this guy I've never spoken to starts to IM and I im back, but casually.  I don't drop what I'm doing.  It becomes pretty clear he has a foot fetish.  I'm fine with that, but it isn't like having a foot fetish means he is my prince charming--I want to know if he is actually prince charming.  I don't have a foot fetish, but I could certainly accommodate it, but there's a hell of a lot of other stuff going on before I'm interested in someone.  And then he gets really condescending and tells me how sad he is for me that I'm so frigid and I don't know what I like and how can I be 42 and not be in touch with my sexuality. A lot of guys do that--they think if they insult you, somehow you will be sexual on command for them (on an IM with a stranger!) I called him on his BS and he denied it all and told me how uncommunicative I was and that he was sad for me because "you are withdrawn and so set in your ways and closed off and not in touch with your own sensuality."  

It was quite interesting because it was SO not true of me that I literally laughed out loud, but if he had been 80% wrong, instead of 100% wrong, it would have made me really insecure. 

And it made me aware of how much of my life is defined by male privilege.  I don't think most of the men my age (who are single) are as wise, kind or self-developed as the women.  Just as a simple beginning, women read Oprah and men read Maxim.  There is no current in our culture telling men how to become better the way there is for women.  The result is that my female friends are absolutely dynamite and most of the men I meet, well, frankly, they bore me.  The guy today wanted me to be "fun."  And I would so much rather find joy than fun.  

The Mirena has really changed my dynamic by not making me as constantly needy and hungry.  I'm definitely not controlled by my libido the way I was without it.  And, as weird as it sounds, if I did meet someone who was a sex-every-day kind of guy, I would probably have it taken out.  (How's that for a conversation: "I like you--let's get rid of my birth control?!"  Yeah--that wouldn't scare a sane guy off.)  But I can see myself holding men to a much higher standard and also noticing their games much more quickly.  And I seem to have no tolerance for the constant current of male entitlement that runs through almost everything!

Collarme is dead. What is next?

So Collarme is, I guess, dead.  In the sort of tantrum-explosion that typifies the worst of the bdsm worlds.  (From what I can tell, it was started by a couple and one of the two is destroying the site to get back at her ex who was also behaving abominably.  Two people with the maturity of 13-year-olds.)  Maybe it will come back, but only if the 13-year-olds grow up.  

It is amazing how much of my life was defined by Collarme. It was where I met every single kinky relationship I ever had.  I went to munches and other events in the area, but those always made my skin crawl. I don't even have my profile backed up!  And I was fond of my profile. I think I figured out one aspect of myself with kindness and honesty.  There are people I've spoken to that I have no other way of getting in touch with.  I don't know how I would meet a kinky person again.  Fetlife just doesn't work that way.  I suppose I could try paying for bondage.com or alt.com, but those sites never appealed to me the way CM did.

But there is another truth, which is last year, when I was with Tony, I got a Mirena IUD.  And it has pretty much destroyed my sex drive.  I figured it was OK because it made me much smarter about dating.  I didn't crave sex like an addict craves drugs, and I used to.  I still enjoyed the couple of men I made out with, but I could totally control my behaviour. I figured if I met someone, I could have it taken out and I'd go back to the twice-a-day-is-great-for-weekdays rhythm.  But if I don't meet someone, well I don't crave sex the way I used to. I'm still kinky; I'm just not ravenously hungry.  

And I've been coming to terms with a single life.  I would love a partner, but there's a lot I'm not willing to compromise on.  One of my friends tried to set me up with a musician who needs someone to support his dreams and I immediately stepped out--I am not here to bankroll some guy's childish fantasies.  I'll bet on my own dreams now; I don't have 100K a year to underwrite his.  I don't need a man to financially support me, but I have no interest in supporting a man.  (I would for a year or two, if someone I loved wanted to go back and get a degree, sure, we'd scrimp and make it work.  But not a life of me doing all the earning; I will support his dreams, absolutely, but he needs to support mine too!  I'd rather be single than the much-lesser half of a couple.  Both our dreams need to matter.)

It makes me sad to think I'm going to be single for the rest of my life.  Dotty still thinks we'll meet people.  But I doubt seriously Dotty is going to--she's met every single single-man within a 100-mile radius of her and she doesn't do internet dating, so it seems to me that she is hoping that her ideal partner just happens to move to the barely inhabited area she calls home.  Maybe someone kayaking from Canada to Cuba will have an emergency just by where she lives, but it seems statistically unlikely.  And honestly, Dotty is such an amazing gem of a human.  Any man would be SO lucky to have her.  And she's hot!  Well, that's not true.  She's got a great figure, but she's more likely to be in rock-climbing clothes than Come-Fuck-Me heels.  And she has a couple of grey hairs she refuses to dye.  But she is such an incredible, amazing woman.  It seems deeply unfair if the universe doesn't have a partner for her.  Another friend of mine, who is a very religious Christian (but votes Democrat), with a heart of gold, who lives in a community that defines women as wives and mothers, is probably going to be single too.  She just turned 40.  It is hardest for her of all of us, and she is such a lovely, loving woman, who has grown so much and is so strong.  And she is hot!  Well, not really because she won't wear skirts shorter than her knees or plunging necklines, but she is a size 0 except at her chest.  In a fair world, she would have a partner.  But she wanted a man who saw her as an equal. 

The universe is deeply unfair.  And for the most part, I have been the beneficiary of a deeply unfair universe.  From a world-wide stand, I'm in the top 1% in terms of wealth (world, not U.S.).  I have a job I love, a beautiful home, and pretty much everything on the lower level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs I just take for granted.  I bathe in unlimited, purified, heated water and have a fridge that is always filled by the click of a mouse (and a generous tip to the deliveryman--it is always a man).  My ideas are sometimes heard and sometimes make a little difference. I max out my retirement contributions every year, even though I know I will inherit enough money to not need to worry; I intend to start a very small charity with the money I inherit. I'm working on my book proposal. And planning on having a child on my own next year.  Somehow, there was always enough time in my plan to find someone to have a child with and there isn't time any longer.  This time next year, I will hopefully be pregnant with an anonymous dad.  And that's OK.  My daughter won't have a dad; and that isn't fair. But she will have a lot of other privilege. She will have a mom who puts her first and fights like hell for her and has structured a life that leaves a huge amount for her daughter.  She will get to take the first rungs of Maslow's hierarchy for granted and I will be able to open doors for her as a child that I couldn't even figure out where the locks were when I was an adult.  

I am going to work on the building the life I have instead of the idealized one I want.  I deeply miss sleeping next to a man.  There's this primordial sense of hibernation that I crave.  But you can't always get everything you want all the time you want it.  

Collarme going done feels like the end of an era.  Time to explore the second half of my life.

An itsy bitsy step...

I just posted a blog post that would always have been here on my CM profile.  I have bifurcarted this side of me from CM.  And there are parts here that don't belong there.  But to the extent I can, if there is stuff I'm comfortable sharing, why the heck not?  

Of course, I didn't mention in that post (which I did when it was posted here) that I have had a hell of a lot less erotic hunger in the last year.  I think the IUD+hormones has reduced my sex drive.  But I'm sure I'd find it again for the right guy.

Cynicism

I believe that cynicism is a choice, an easy way out.  I do it with entertainment.  Something is coming out that I want to see, and I tell myself over and over that I'll be disappointed; then sometimes I'm not.  I enjoy movies more if my expectations are low.  I hate it when people tell me all the highlights before I see something.  I want to be delighted, but the less I expect, the more likely I am to enjoy the movie.

But I refuse to do that with people.  I don't know why.  Maybe I would be happier if I assumed that all men are married, lying, cheating assholes, so I should just take the best of what is offered in the moment and how cares about who gets hurt, least of all me, because men are shallow and the world sucks.  But somehow, I don't think I would be happier if I were more jaded.

Life were certainly be easier if I were jaded. In some ways, I'm choosing to remain naive.  It takes a lot of energy, sometimes, to actually mourn the losses, instead of just snorting them off with a "why would I expect anything different?".

I know there is a good chance that I will be fundamentally alone, on a romantic level, for the rest of my live.  Maybe I'll meet another MaxEarnest and have a fling.  But the chance of me actually meeting someone who would make me happier to be with him than by myself, and for him to feel the same way seems unlikely.  I told MaxEarnest, I would move to Berlin if he would.  That meant selling my home, quitting my job, leaving my mother-tongue and the country and culture I know.  But I would have done it.  We could have bought an apartment with the proceeds from my apartment.  But I had conditions; I wanted to have kids and I wanted him to get a job, and he said no.  That was probably the closest I ever would have come.

And, fundamentally, that is OK.  I have a very good life.  But it is lonely at night and when someone wakes my heart for a moment, and then it turns out he is lying, I cry.  I have to.  If the tears don't run down my cheek, they will harden into armor.

Betrayal

It wasn't really BETRAYAL, per say.  More like betrayal.

But he was the first man I liked in a while.  I knew he was long distance.  I knew he used to live here, but had business that would be bringing him here more often.  I told him I wouldn't play, and he should look for a girl that would. 

But the truth is, I really liked him.  We were talking and flirting almost every day.  Then he asked me to look over a presentation.

Did I betray him when I looked at the properties in the document he sent me and found his real name?  Was it wrong to google him?  Honestly, I haven't done that before.  But I did it this time.  

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he is married.

But I'm sad.  He made me feel a little more alive.  A bit hopeful about the future.  Fortunately, while a lot of flirting has happened. I wasn't going to meet him until next week when, I know doubt, would have noticed a tan line on the 4th finger of his left hand.

There aren't pieces to pick up.  But it is hard to be warm and open all the time.  So much easier to be cynical.  So easy to feel like I've lost the chance and all the good ones are gone.  Of course, the not-so-good-ones are cheating.  

I have a good life.  This just isn't one of parts of my life that is good.  But it is a good life.  But it makes me really sad.  I feel like there's an awful lot of people that take advantage of me.  An ex-friend owes me $3500.  And I guess that's OK.  I'm still dealing with little messes from the ex, even though we ended that the night Obama was elected.  Everyone sees me as someone good for things.  But not for life. It makes me sad.

A mark, a yen a buck or a pound, a buck or a pound, a buck or a pound....

Two of my female friends support their partners financially.  One of them I didn't realize it until a few months ago.  I met them as a couple, and it didn't occur to me that she was carrying the entire financial load.  The other I knew it from the beginning because she and I have been friends much longer than they have been a couple.

With my older friend, I really had a hard time accepting it.  She would say things like "we're a team; his my focus is his art and I care about the house, so he covers his art costs and I cover the costs of the house."  What she didn't say was that the costs of house included all the costs for their kids, their health insurance, their food (although he would occasionally take her grocery shopping), their heat, electricity, internet and the kids' clothes.  I didn't 'approve.'  And I tried to keep that to myself.

With my newer friend, I also don't approve.  Not only does she handle all the earning, but from what I can tell, she does 70% of the home-making.  This is not a partnership (in either case) where the guy handles all the house stuff and the woman works full time.  But again, I tried to keep my judgement to myself.  Until this week: I was at their place and he said that what I needed was an artist to be the father for my kids.  He said my career is settled and I could support an artist and have kids with him.  It really pissed me off.  It seemed an unparalleled bit of hubris.  He didn't mean that no guy would want to be with me unless I paid him--that isn't quite what he meant.  But it sure felt like a level of entitlement that he (and his ilk) were so valuable that a woman should support him and whichever guy he would set me up to support.  (I also make, I'm guessing, at least 50K a year less than his wife, and I'm not sure if he realizes how little I make.  I've never broken 6 figures.  I do own my own house.  And I've saved about 20K over the past 4 years so I have savings for childcare if I do have a kid on my own, but I'm not rolling in money.)

How did we get from the point where men were expected to be the sole providers and women were expected to do the housework, to the woman should make all the money and do a majority of the housework and child-rearing?  Are there really men out there that think they are so fabulous that they can just be supported by the woman? 

Here's where I am hypocritical: one of my friends is a writer, and she is struggling, and she hopes to get married and have a guy support her.  And I have a less visceral reaction to that (although I don't really respect her choices or think that she is making the compromises necessary to be happy).  But I also know that her job were never take her away for 6 months of the year, leaving him to raise the kids and also make all the money.  When men support women financially, the women generally do all the housework, and raise the kids.  When women support men financially, the men occasionally take the gal to go grocery shopping, but they aren't doing the cooking and cleaning.

There was an interesting NY Times article that said that marriages seem to go best when they guy provides 60% of the money and the gal does 60% of the house work (and raising kids and all that).  And that sounds SO right to me!!  Of course, I don't need a man who makes more than me, but it would help.  Because then I wouldn't resent it if I'm doing more.  With the "ex" he paid for half of things (never more) and I did all the housework. With Tony, he paid when we went out, and I covered everything at home, but we weren't ever going out and then he'd say "Do we have any wine?" and I got really frustrated that he wasn't, I didn't think, contributing to us. And it really pissed me off with both.  But I never once complained about doing laundry for "the ex" because he always said I could have any money he left in his clothes in the laundry, and there was almost always $20 in there.  More than enough to cover the quarters.  And it totally changed things.

I do want a man to take care of me.  And I want to take care of him.  But it can't be all one or the other.  It needs to be mutually cherishing.  In different ways, but mutually cherishing.