On the edge

I could really fall for this man.  I guess I should give him a name, but I'm not sure I'm going to blog about him and I. I don't know how to blog ethically and date.  If he and I get serious, I either have to stop blogging (which I had until I took out the Mirena!--I seem to have a lot less emotions on that thing) or tell him at least that this blog exists.  With John, the blog was really messed up.  With MaxEarnest, I think he actually fell for me in part because of the blog, but there were times it felt weird. I don't know the ethics of blogging while dating, so if I disappear, you can assume things are going well. I think if I write about him, to the point that I'm talking about him and not me, I need to at least let him know this exists.  But this is about me, mostly, so that's fair.

There were three interesting things.

First of all, he wants me to assume I'm pleasing him, unless he says otherwise.  In my head, I've always needed to hear that I'm pleasing someone because I assume I'm not.  And he picked up on that and started saying "do you think you're pleasing me?  Do I look like I'm having fun? Am I leaving? Why would I be here if you weren't pleasing me...."

Second:  we started mentioning all the things he had listed on his profile and he had listed "canes and crops" and I said that scared me.  He said "I don't like canes--just crops, but I don't even own one."  I said I did.  (It lived at a bottom of a drawer, mostly forgotten, used only once over these years.)  So he might not have realized that it kind of freaked me out.  But he noticed me flinching and a change in my eyes, so he said no more crop until we talk about it, with our clothes on.  Then he said he really didn't want me to try and deal with something, at least not now.  Maybe down the road.  But he really wanted me to be more communicative.  He might not have noticed and he needs me to not just submit to him, but tell him what I like.  We've been playing with breath play (which I love) and he makes me say when I need to breathe.  It means both that we play harder in that area, but also that he is teaching me to speak up (or tap my hand).

Third:  When I get excited about things that I know most people don't care about, I have a tendency to say something like "I'm rambling" and try to move the conversation to what I think the other person cares about too.  But when I do that around him, he said "I'm dating you, in part, because I really like your mind.  Please don't do that--tell me what you care about."  Last night I had this dream where I was asked to give a talk and they wanted me to talk about this thing I'm a bit of a geek about; I said "I'm sure people aren't interested in that" and they were like "no--that's what we want to hear about."  It was really lovely!

I'm somehow used to seeing myself as deeply flawed, in part because I'm plump (and he's seen me mostly naked in bright, unflattering light and not at all flattering underthings!), and in part because I'm smart and get excited about things normal people don't care about.  And he doesn't see that as a flaw!  He is as smart as I am and he also has some of the baggage of having family members not really appreciating an extroverted intelligence.

We haven't had sex yet.  But if we do, I think I could really fall in love.  Dotty thinks I'm nuts.  She really thinks his age trumps everything else, but she hasn't met him.  And I suppose it is possible, maybe even probable, that I'm going to get my heart broken over this.  But he has a level of perception and kindness that is amazing to combine with kink. I like both sides of him and I think he likes both sides of me.

Age

I seem to be smitten with a man who is much too young for me. He is funny, smart, surprisingly wise and very sexy.  And he is 16 years younger than me.  16!  Ack!!!!!!!

I find it shockingly easy to surrender to him.  He is the first man since MaxEarnest that I find it easy to trust.  I really get that he cherishes me and cares about making sure I'm safe, both physically and mentally.  I told him, after our first 7-hour phone conversation, that I wouldn't judge him based on his age.  And to a certain extent, I don't.  I don't feel like I'm necessarily wiser than him (although there are times I notice how young he is).  Right now, we could pass for the same age.  At the same time, though, I can't imagine that when he is 46 and I am 62, he could possibly remain interested.  Part of me says "what the heck!?!  It would be an amazing 20 years."  And part of me is very scared of all this.  But I do really like him.

He loves making me switch between the submissive and not-submissive sides of my personality.  I'll be all submissive and he'll ask me a really technical question about my work, and then he'll pull me back into being in my submissive side.  He ADORES how proficient I am in my daily living--totally gets a kick out of it.  It is really lovely to feel like my smart, sassy, exuberant, driven, passionate side is appreciated as well as my soft, tamed, yearning side.  I don't think I've ever been around a man who SO appreciated both sides of me.

Part of me has this defense mechanism that says "it will never work." I can't really see why someone this cool and this young would be interested in me for the long run.  But he really seems to be open to that possibility.  Part of me is thinking that maybe, just maybe, it might actually work.  It would be crazy.  Not at all what I had hoped for, but in some ways better!  But it is a scary leap to make.

I also can't help but notice that as long as I had the mirena in, I couldn't seem to get interested in a guy (expect Fredrick --is that the name I gave the guy here last year, whom I dated for months, but didn't have sex with?  That can't happen again.)  Somehow, I could date a man that wasn't interested in having sex for months, and dropped me when I gave him a deadline that for my birthday, 6 months after we started dating, we would spend the night together.  We met on a kinky website for heaven's sake!  

Mirena Side Effects

This is mostly for women considering the Mirena IUD.  Not much kink here.

I was in NYC last month and went to see Wicked.  It is a guilty pleasure that I tend to see every other year, but it never failed to enthrall me.  It failed.  I went back to my hotel and popped out my Mirena.

I was willing to live without a sex drive because I've been single and don't have a lot of hope I'm going to meet someone that likes me that has what I need.  And honestly, at this point, if I met a great guy, I'm not sure it would even work with my time frame as I want to have a kid soon, and I'm planning on doing that by myself.  So the sex drive thing I dealt with.

I have to say that even orgasms with dirty books and just myself were a pale imitation of non-Mirena orgasms.  It was like I was critically analyzing my responses, but couldn't get actually lost in the sweaty, hot ideas.  I've always have very strong orgasms and these were really little.  (On the plus side, periods were light, very regular and lasted for 4 days.)

However, I realized that I've stopped enjoying movies, television, even theatre.  I've liked Game of Thrones this year, but never enough to not do something else at the same time. Same with Mad Men.  That ability to get lost in an orgasm seemed to be really closely linked to my ability to get lost in a show.  I'm embarrassed to say this, but I actually enjoyed the first Hunger Games movie more than the second.  Without a doubt, the second movie is better.  I know this intellectually, but during the 2nd movie (which I saw with the Mirena), I couldn't stop looking at the construction,, the foreshadowing, the how of the movie, rather than just enjoying it.

I would also say, my dreams were much less intense.  They didn't grip me--I always knew they were a dream.

When I went to see Wicked last month, I realized that I had just changed. I didn't realize that my ability to enjoy sex was so closely tied to my ability to enjoy movies/theatre/tv. (And, shockingly, the medical community did not look at the side-affects of "will you enjoy the 1st Hunger Games movie without this more than the 2nd one with it?"  They really should screen for side effects more!!)  I'm really curious as to the link between sex drive and movie-drive.  Is the ability to enjoy sex and the movies linked by more than sexy actors?  It really seems like it is to me.

If you want to, you can take the Mirena out on your own. It popped out far more easily than I would have thought.  (I wasn't even planning on taking it out, but I was looking for the thread, and when I was feeling the end of the thread, it popped out--you totally don't need to go to a doctor to do this.)  You need to be prepared for an incredibly heavy period (not just like you use to have--it felt like my body rebelled and all the extra blood that I didn't have for months was in that period).

Communication

I went out with a guy a couple of times--I doubt anything will happen as he just seems too busy to really date (which was true before we met).  He is long distance.  (Well, not really long distance-4 hours by car).  But the truth is, MaxEarnest was the last man I could have seen making sacrifices to my life to be with.  This guy claimed he could move to where I live, but somehow I think that's something guys just say.) 

But it was really interesting.  The first date, he kissed hard, and I liked him as a person, but didn't like how he kissed.  I've sort of assumed that if I don't like how someone kisses, there's no way we'll work.  However, on the second date, he asked bluntly if I liked how he kissed, I was honest, and he changed!  He held my hands back and said "kiss me the way you want to be kissed."  He then proceeded to demand that I show him.  He was very much in charge, and he asked me a lot of very direct questions that I couldn't wiggle out of, because I tend to be vague if I don't like something.  At one point, he was pulling my hair one way, then another.  I didn't realize it, but there's a spot on my scalp that is very tender and doesn't feel good to get pulled, although I love the back of my head pulled.  He brushed aside my "what pleases you" which seems to be a line I use a lot, and asked me directly.

He pushed me quite hard for two dates--we kept clothes on, but he did choke me,which is usually something I wait until I'm actually at the sex level.  I love breathe play, and I'm scared of it.  But he kept demanding answers to his questions.  If I said "you're on the edge," he backed off.  He really was both dominating and also pleasing me.  He was like a boy taking apart a machine to see how it worked, but also constantly, putting it together, to make sure it still worked.  It was really interesting because I've tended to think that when it came to kink, I needed someone who liked what I liked.  But he communicated it to a point that if he lived closer or had a less busy schedule, I really think we could be compatible on a kink level.

The Siren

I was in Portland on business and Powells books has the best erotica section of any bookstore I know.  I make it to Portland every couple of years and I always head to Powells.  Their erotica section is by the front of the store.  There's something so intimate and vulnerable about looking through hundreds of books for what might turn me on.  I usually pick about 20, and then go sit somewhere, with the books cover-down so the passing kids don't see anything too shocking, and read a few pages from each until I have a sense of what I might like.  (Unfortunately, the most prolific editor of anthologies has taste SO different from my own, I really dislike her collections--Alison Tyler.  BORING!)

No one has ever hit on me there; I wonder if there's an unspoken rule.  There I am with dozens of kinky erotica books.  But I don't look kink.  Nevertheless, it seems to me the perfect setting for a naughty story.

Anyway, I got a book this time:  The Siren by Tiffany Ruisz.  I cannot recommend this book enough.  It is the first kinky book since Safe Word that I've just fallen into.  The lead heroine is smart as a whip, but understands the downsides as well as the highs.  Reading the book, I'm so very clear that I'm not a masochist and that being submissive can be dangerous; I've been right to be careful, even if I've been too careful.  Part of me wants to fall into that world.  But I'm beginning to think it will never happen.  MaxEarnest was the closest I got to being able to fall.  And we wanted to fall different ways.  

But pick up the book. It is a great, kinky read.

Correlation and causation

I had the most intense dream about MaxEarnest last night.  It was one of those weird dreams, where you really feel like you are there.  We were biking together and eating on his balcony.  It made me very sad to wake up.

The weird thing is, though, that I think the Mirena is making me much more of a typical woman, in that I'm less interested in sex and more interested in just cuddling.  Definitely kink is less of a need, but I find myself missing just lying next to someone more and more.

It is also changing how I view kink.  I had become very anti-kink as a thing. Even if I embrace my right to have a great sex life, I really do want to change the culture so 12-year-olds aren't seeing images of women being objectified and humiliated.  We live in an incredibly sexist culture, and I feel that more and more every day.  I listen to NPR and there are 3 men for every woman.  I was watching MSNBC last night (normally I just listen to Rachel Maddow as an audio-only podcast without commercials, but I was flying and it was on the plane) and on the Chris Matthews show they had 7 men and one woman as guests.  Chris Hayes was better, but still didn't have anywhere near parity.  

It isn't surprising we have a culture that eroticses (spell check says that right, but it looks wrong to me--eroticizes or eroticses? weird) women's submission and men's domination.  And how much better that the people being subjugated can play a part in their own subjugation.  

But, if the Mirena makes me more vanilla, it changes how I view this a lot.  Because if changing my hormones (and for those that don't know, the Mirena is an IUD that has hormones that make you chemically infertile) makes me vanilla, then the cause of my submission is probably not the culture--it is probably chemical.  And if that's the case, then the sexist culture still pisses me off, but it didn't change the fabric of my erotic yearnings. If I'd be kinky if I never saw MTV and MTV helped give me a vocabulary for what my body wanted, then MTV isn't so bad.  I still want to change the culture.  I want to turn on NPR or MSNBC or open the New York Times and have half the voices be women's.  But MTV is all about sex.  And maybe, chemically, kink is our body's way of getting us laid.  

(P.S. Lord Of Hael, I'm happy to talk.  I'm at lady__chatterley (2 underscores) at extremely warm mail.)

Male Entitlement

I was talking with a sweet friend of mine who is turning 40 this year.  She is part of a fairly conservative Christian church and facing that she will probably not be a mom.  She would like to adopt but doesn't think her church would approve.  She has been out with a string of men that just left her very sad and we were talking about how men don't think they need to improve themselves--they think they are just fine the way they are.  

I took the bus today and there were 3 guys taking up 2 seats each.  Actually, one of them was really taking up 3 seats.  There was about a dozen of us standing (mostly women actually).  It was so bizarre, and yet so common-place.

And then I went on OKCupid and this guy I've never spoken to starts to IM and I im back, but casually.  I don't drop what I'm doing.  It becomes pretty clear he has a foot fetish.  I'm fine with that, but it isn't like having a foot fetish means he is my prince charming--I want to know if he is actually prince charming.  I don't have a foot fetish, but I could certainly accommodate it, but there's a hell of a lot of other stuff going on before I'm interested in someone.  And then he gets really condescending and tells me how sad he is for me that I'm so frigid and I don't know what I like and how can I be 42 and not be in touch with my sexuality. A lot of guys do that--they think if they insult you, somehow you will be sexual on command for them (on an IM with a stranger!) I called him on his BS and he denied it all and told me how uncommunicative I was and that he was sad for me because "you are withdrawn and so set in your ways and closed off and not in touch with your own sensuality."  

It was quite interesting because it was SO not true of me that I literally laughed out loud, but if he had been 80% wrong, instead of 100% wrong, it would have made me really insecure. 

And it made me aware of how much of my life is defined by male privilege.  I don't think most of the men my age (who are single) are as wise, kind or self-developed as the women.  Just as a simple beginning, women read Oprah and men read Maxim.  There is no current in our culture telling men how to become better the way there is for women.  The result is that my female friends are absolutely dynamite and most of the men I meet, well, frankly, they bore me.  The guy today wanted me to be "fun."  And I would so much rather find joy than fun.  

The Mirena has really changed my dynamic by not making me as constantly needy and hungry.  I'm definitely not controlled by my libido the way I was without it.  And, as weird as it sounds, if I did meet someone who was a sex-every-day kind of guy, I would probably have it taken out.  (How's that for a conversation: "I like you--let's get rid of my birth control?!"  Yeah--that wouldn't scare a sane guy off.)  But I can see myself holding men to a much higher standard and also noticing their games much more quickly.  And I seem to have no tolerance for the constant current of male entitlement that runs through almost everything!