Age

I seem to be smitten with a man who is much too young for me. He is funny, smart, surprisingly wise and very sexy.  And he is 16 years younger than me.  16!  Ack!!!!!!!

I find it shockingly easy to surrender to him.  He is the first man since MaxEarnest that I find it easy to trust.  I really get that he cherishes me and cares about making sure I'm safe, both physically and mentally.  I told him, after our first 7-hour phone conversation, that I wouldn't judge him based on his age.  And to a certain extent, I don't.  I don't feel like I'm necessarily wiser than him (although there are times I notice how young he is).  Right now, we could pass for the same age.  At the same time, though, I can't imagine that when he is 46 and I am 62, he could possibly remain interested.  Part of me says "what the heck!?!  It would be an amazing 20 years."  And part of me is very scared of all this.  But I do really like him.

He loves making me switch between the submissive and not-submissive sides of my personality.  I'll be all submissive and he'll ask me a really technical question about my work, and then he'll pull me back into being in my submissive side.  He ADORES how proficient I am in my daily living--totally gets a kick out of it.  It is really lovely to feel like my smart, sassy, exuberant, driven, passionate side is appreciated as well as my soft, tamed, yearning side.  I don't think I've ever been around a man who SO appreciated both sides of me.

Part of me has this defense mechanism that says "it will never work." I can't really see why someone this cool and this young would be interested in me for the long run.  But he really seems to be open to that possibility.  Part of me is thinking that maybe, just maybe, it might actually work.  It would be crazy.  Not at all what I had hoped for, but in some ways better!  But it is a scary leap to make.

I also can't help but notice that as long as I had the mirena in, I couldn't seem to get interested in a guy (expect Fredrick --is that the name I gave the guy here last year, whom I dated for months, but didn't have sex with?  That can't happen again.)  Somehow, I could date a man that wasn't interested in having sex for months, and dropped me when I gave him a deadline that for my birthday, 6 months after we started dating, we would spend the night together.  We met on a kinky website for heaven's sake!  

Mirena Side Effects

This is mostly for women considering the Mirena IUD.  Not much kink here.

I was in NYC last month and went to see Wicked.  It is a guilty pleasure that I tend to see every other year, but it never failed to enthrall me.  It failed.  I went back to my hotel and popped out my Mirena.

I was willing to live without a sex drive because I've been single and don't have a lot of hope I'm going to meet someone that likes me that has what I need.  And honestly, at this point, if I met a great guy, I'm not sure it would even work with my time frame as I want to have a kid soon, and I'm planning on doing that by myself.  So the sex drive thing I dealt with.

I have to say that even orgasms with dirty books and just myself were a pale imitation of non-Mirena orgasms.  It was like I was critically analyzing my responses, but couldn't get actually lost in the sweaty, hot ideas.  I've always have very strong orgasms and these were really little.  (On the plus side, periods were light, very regular and lasted for 4 days.)

However, I realized that I've stopped enjoying movies, television, even theatre.  I've liked Game of Thrones this year, but never enough to not do something else at the same time. Same with Mad Men.  That ability to get lost in an orgasm seemed to be really closely linked to my ability to get lost in a show.  I'm embarrassed to say this, but I actually enjoyed the first Hunger Games movie more than the second.  Without a doubt, the second movie is better.  I know this intellectually, but during the 2nd movie (which I saw with the Mirena), I couldn't stop looking at the construction,, the foreshadowing, the how of the movie, rather than just enjoying it.

I would also say, my dreams were much less intense.  They didn't grip me--I always knew they were a dream.

When I went to see Wicked last month, I realized that I had just changed. I didn't realize that my ability to enjoy sex was so closely tied to my ability to enjoy movies/theatre/tv. (And, shockingly, the medical community did not look at the side-affects of "will you enjoy the 1st Hunger Games movie without this more than the 2nd one with it?"  They really should screen for side effects more!!)  I'm really curious as to the link between sex drive and movie-drive.  Is the ability to enjoy sex and the movies linked by more than sexy actors?  It really seems like it is to me.

If you want to, you can take the Mirena out on your own. It popped out far more easily than I would have thought.  (I wasn't even planning on taking it out, but I was looking for the thread, and when I was feeling the end of the thread, it popped out--you totally don't need to go to a doctor to do this.)  You need to be prepared for an incredibly heavy period (not just like you use to have--it felt like my body rebelled and all the extra blood that I didn't have for months was in that period).

Communication

I went out with a guy a couple of times--I doubt anything will happen as he just seems too busy to really date (which was true before we met).  He is long distance.  (Well, not really long distance-4 hours by car).  But the truth is, MaxEarnest was the last man I could have seen making sacrifices to my life to be with.  This guy claimed he could move to where I live, but somehow I think that's something guys just say.) 

But it was really interesting.  The first date, he kissed hard, and I liked him as a person, but didn't like how he kissed.  I've sort of assumed that if I don't like how someone kisses, there's no way we'll work.  However, on the second date, he asked bluntly if I liked how he kissed, I was honest, and he changed!  He held my hands back and said "kiss me the way you want to be kissed."  He then proceeded to demand that I show him.  He was very much in charge, and he asked me a lot of very direct questions that I couldn't wiggle out of, because I tend to be vague if I don't like something.  At one point, he was pulling my hair one way, then another.  I didn't realize it, but there's a spot on my scalp that is very tender and doesn't feel good to get pulled, although I love the back of my head pulled.  He brushed aside my "what pleases you" which seems to be a line I use a lot, and asked me directly.

He pushed me quite hard for two dates--we kept clothes on, but he did choke me,which is usually something I wait until I'm actually at the sex level.  I love breathe play, and I'm scared of it.  But he kept demanding answers to his questions.  If I said "you're on the edge," he backed off.  He really was both dominating and also pleasing me.  He was like a boy taking apart a machine to see how it worked, but also constantly, putting it together, to make sure it still worked.  It was really interesting because I've tended to think that when it came to kink, I needed someone who liked what I liked.  But he communicated it to a point that if he lived closer or had a less busy schedule, I really think we could be compatible on a kink level.

The Siren

I was in Portland on business and Powells books has the best erotica section of any bookstore I know.  I make it to Portland every couple of years and I always head to Powells.  Their erotica section is by the front of the store.  There's something so intimate and vulnerable about looking through hundreds of books for what might turn me on.  I usually pick about 20, and then go sit somewhere, with the books cover-down so the passing kids don't see anything too shocking, and read a few pages from each until I have a sense of what I might like.  (Unfortunately, the most prolific editor of anthologies has taste SO different from my own, I really dislike her collections--Alison Tyler.  BORING!)

No one has ever hit on me there; I wonder if there's an unspoken rule.  There I am with dozens of kinky erotica books.  But I don't look kink.  Nevertheless, it seems to me the perfect setting for a naughty story.

Anyway, I got a book this time:  The Siren by Tiffany Ruisz.  I cannot recommend this book enough.  It is the first kinky book since Safe Word that I've just fallen into.  The lead heroine is smart as a whip, but understands the downsides as well as the highs.  Reading the book, I'm so very clear that I'm not a masochist and that being submissive can be dangerous; I've been right to be careful, even if I've been too careful.  Part of me wants to fall into that world.  But I'm beginning to think it will never happen.  MaxEarnest was the closest I got to being able to fall.  And we wanted to fall different ways.  

But pick up the book. It is a great, kinky read.

Correlation and causation

I had the most intense dream about MaxEarnest last night.  It was one of those weird dreams, where you really feel like you are there.  We were biking together and eating on his balcony.  It made me very sad to wake up.

The weird thing is, though, that I think the Mirena is making me much more of a typical woman, in that I'm less interested in sex and more interested in just cuddling.  Definitely kink is less of a need, but I find myself missing just lying next to someone more and more.

It is also changing how I view kink.  I had become very anti-kink as a thing. Even if I embrace my right to have a great sex life, I really do want to change the culture so 12-year-olds aren't seeing images of women being objectified and humiliated.  We live in an incredibly sexist culture, and I feel that more and more every day.  I listen to NPR and there are 3 men for every woman.  I was watching MSNBC last night (normally I just listen to Rachel Maddow as an audio-only podcast without commercials, but I was flying and it was on the plane) and on the Chris Matthews show they had 7 men and one woman as guests.  Chris Hayes was better, but still didn't have anywhere near parity.  

It isn't surprising we have a culture that eroticses (spell check says that right, but it looks wrong to me--eroticizes or eroticses? weird) women's submission and men's domination.  And how much better that the people being subjugated can play a part in their own subjugation.  

But, if the Mirena makes me more vanilla, it changes how I view this a lot.  Because if changing my hormones (and for those that don't know, the Mirena is an IUD that has hormones that make you chemically infertile) makes me vanilla, then the cause of my submission is probably not the culture--it is probably chemical.  And if that's the case, then the sexist culture still pisses me off, but it didn't change the fabric of my erotic yearnings. If I'd be kinky if I never saw MTV and MTV helped give me a vocabulary for what my body wanted, then MTV isn't so bad.  I still want to change the culture.  I want to turn on NPR or MSNBC or open the New York Times and have half the voices be women's.  But MTV is all about sex.  And maybe, chemically, kink is our body's way of getting us laid.  

(P.S. Lord Of Hael, I'm happy to talk.  I'm at lady__chatterley (2 underscores) at extremely warm mail.)

Male Entitlement

I was talking with a sweet friend of mine who is turning 40 this year.  She is part of a fairly conservative Christian church and facing that she will probably not be a mom.  She would like to adopt but doesn't think her church would approve.  She has been out with a string of men that just left her very sad and we were talking about how men don't think they need to improve themselves--they think they are just fine the way they are.  

I took the bus today and there were 3 guys taking up 2 seats each.  Actually, one of them was really taking up 3 seats.  There was about a dozen of us standing (mostly women actually).  It was so bizarre, and yet so common-place.

And then I went on OKCupid and this guy I've never spoken to starts to IM and I im back, but casually.  I don't drop what I'm doing.  It becomes pretty clear he has a foot fetish.  I'm fine with that, but it isn't like having a foot fetish means he is my prince charming--I want to know if he is actually prince charming.  I don't have a foot fetish, but I could certainly accommodate it, but there's a hell of a lot of other stuff going on before I'm interested in someone.  And then he gets really condescending and tells me how sad he is for me that I'm so frigid and I don't know what I like and how can I be 42 and not be in touch with my sexuality. A lot of guys do that--they think if they insult you, somehow you will be sexual on command for them (on an IM with a stranger!) I called him on his BS and he denied it all and told me how uncommunicative I was and that he was sad for me because "you are withdrawn and so set in your ways and closed off and not in touch with your own sensuality."  

It was quite interesting because it was SO not true of me that I literally laughed out loud, but if he had been 80% wrong, instead of 100% wrong, it would have made me really insecure. 

And it made me aware of how much of my life is defined by male privilege.  I don't think most of the men my age (who are single) are as wise, kind or self-developed as the women.  Just as a simple beginning, women read Oprah and men read Maxim.  There is no current in our culture telling men how to become better the way there is for women.  The result is that my female friends are absolutely dynamite and most of the men I meet, well, frankly, they bore me.  The guy today wanted me to be "fun."  And I would so much rather find joy than fun.  

The Mirena has really changed my dynamic by not making me as constantly needy and hungry.  I'm definitely not controlled by my libido the way I was without it.  And, as weird as it sounds, if I did meet someone who was a sex-every-day kind of guy, I would probably have it taken out.  (How's that for a conversation: "I like you--let's get rid of my birth control?!"  Yeah--that wouldn't scare a sane guy off.)  But I can see myself holding men to a much higher standard and also noticing their games much more quickly.  And I seem to have no tolerance for the constant current of male entitlement that runs through almost everything!

Collarme is dead. What is next?

So Collarme is, I guess, dead.  In the sort of tantrum-explosion that typifies the worst of the bdsm worlds.  (From what I can tell, it was started by a couple and one of the two is destroying the site to get back at her ex who was also behaving abominably.  Two people with the maturity of 13-year-olds.)  Maybe it will come back, but only if the 13-year-olds grow up.  

It is amazing how much of my life was defined by Collarme. It was where I met every single kinky relationship I ever had.  I went to munches and other events in the area, but those always made my skin crawl. I don't even have my profile backed up!  And I was fond of my profile. I think I figured out one aspect of myself with kindness and honesty.  There are people I've spoken to that I have no other way of getting in touch with.  I don't know how I would meet a kinky person again.  Fetlife just doesn't work that way.  I suppose I could try paying for bondage.com or alt.com, but those sites never appealed to me the way CM did.

But there is another truth, which is last year, when I was with Tony, I got a Mirena IUD.  And it has pretty much destroyed my sex drive.  I figured it was OK because it made me much smarter about dating.  I didn't crave sex like an addict craves drugs, and I used to.  I still enjoyed the couple of men I made out with, but I could totally control my behaviour. I figured if I met someone, I could have it taken out and I'd go back to the twice-a-day-is-great-for-weekdays rhythm.  But if I don't meet someone, well I don't crave sex the way I used to. I'm still kinky; I'm just not ravenously hungry.  

And I've been coming to terms with a single life.  I would love a partner, but there's a lot I'm not willing to compromise on.  One of my friends tried to set me up with a musician who needs someone to support his dreams and I immediately stepped out--I am not here to bankroll some guy's childish fantasies.  I'll bet on my own dreams now; I don't have 100K a year to underwrite his.  I don't need a man to financially support me, but I have no interest in supporting a man.  (I would for a year or two, if someone I loved wanted to go back and get a degree, sure, we'd scrimp and make it work.  But not a life of me doing all the earning; I will support his dreams, absolutely, but he needs to support mine too!  I'd rather be single than the much-lesser half of a couple.  Both our dreams need to matter.)

It makes me sad to think I'm going to be single for the rest of my life.  Dotty still thinks we'll meet people.  But I doubt seriously Dotty is going to--she's met every single single-man within a 100-mile radius of her and she doesn't do internet dating, so it seems to me that she is hoping that her ideal partner just happens to move to the barely inhabited area she calls home.  Maybe someone kayaking from Canada to Cuba will have an emergency just by where she lives, but it seems statistically unlikely.  And honestly, Dotty is such an amazing gem of a human.  Any man would be SO lucky to have her.  And she's hot!  Well, that's not true.  She's got a great figure, but she's more likely to be in rock-climbing clothes than Come-Fuck-Me heels.  And she has a couple of grey hairs she refuses to dye.  But she is such an incredible, amazing woman.  It seems deeply unfair if the universe doesn't have a partner for her.  Another friend of mine, who is a very religious Christian (but votes Democrat), with a heart of gold, who lives in a community that defines women as wives and mothers, is probably going to be single too.  She just turned 40.  It is hardest for her of all of us, and she is such a lovely, loving woman, who has grown so much and is so strong.  And she is hot!  Well, not really because she won't wear skirts shorter than her knees or plunging necklines, but she is a size 0 except at her chest.  In a fair world, she would have a partner.  But she wanted a man who saw her as an equal. 

The universe is deeply unfair.  And for the most part, I have been the beneficiary of a deeply unfair universe.  From a world-wide stand, I'm in the top 1% in terms of wealth (world, not U.S.).  I have a job I love, a beautiful home, and pretty much everything on the lower level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs I just take for granted.  I bathe in unlimited, purified, heated water and have a fridge that is always filled by the click of a mouse (and a generous tip to the deliveryman--it is always a man).  My ideas are sometimes heard and sometimes make a little difference. I max out my retirement contributions every year, even though I know I will inherit enough money to not need to worry; I intend to start a very small charity with the money I inherit. I'm working on my book proposal. And planning on having a child on my own next year.  Somehow, there was always enough time in my plan to find someone to have a child with and there isn't time any longer.  This time next year, I will hopefully be pregnant with an anonymous dad.  And that's OK.  My daughter won't have a dad; and that isn't fair. But she will have a lot of other privilege. She will have a mom who puts her first and fights like hell for her and has structured a life that leaves a huge amount for her daughter.  She will get to take the first rungs of Maslow's hierarchy for granted and I will be able to open doors for her as a child that I couldn't even figure out where the locks were when I was an adult.  

I am going to work on the building the life I have instead of the idealized one I want.  I deeply miss sleeping next to a man.  There's this primordial sense of hibernation that I crave.  But you can't always get everything you want all the time you want it.  

Collarme going done feels like the end of an era.  Time to explore the second half of my life.