Whiny complaining

My father is better and has gone home, and it has left a gaping hole. Even while he was here, it was incredibly lonely, but at least I had so much to do that I wasn't aware of how lonely I was. I ended up dropping just about everything to take care of him, and now I have to reassemble my life and it is really hard.

I said, in frustration, "I hate my life." But I realized what I meant is that I am deeply disappointed by my life. And when I realized that, I sat down and started crying.

Nothing has turned out the way I hoped. I know, objectively, how lucky I am. I know how many people would kill for my job. It doesn't change the fact that my resentment and how I'm treated there is slowly turning to rage. I can't say anything when I'm mistreated, and it eats away at me.

That, of course, is nothing compared to the fact that I'm lonely to my bones.

I still miss John every single day. Isn't that pathetic? I know that I never actually knew him, because the man I thought I knew wouldn't have treated me like that. But it doesn't change the fact that I loved him. I still do.

I decided I wasn't going to write about anyone until we got to a second date, and that is why, there's been nothing about any of the men I've gone out with. Not about the only man since John I liked, who said "you're lovely. I have a lovely time" and never spoke to me again. Not about the 3 men who were very dominant and very grabby and just kind of freaked me out. I watched the way the men treated me, thinking "3 years ago I would have been turned on" and I have less and less tolerance for each one successively. By the last one I actually got to the point where I cut the date short and told him I wouldn't go out with him again. I was proud of myself for doing it, but would have been prouder if I hadn't let him kiss me, out of politeness several times. But when he got too grabby I told him to stop it (several times) and when he told me to kiss him I said no. So clearly I'm learning to not be (as) submissive with the assholes. Even if I keep wishing I'd find someone worth submitting too.

I don't know where I go from here. It is all I can do not to quit my job. This isn't sustainable. I'm going to go to some country soon (in part for vacation, but it will be one where I can buy xanax over the counter--foreigners tends to think Americans take a lot of drugs, but I can't wonder if it is because we're all waiting till we're in their countries to buy them).

I have 2 wonderful friends and several more good friends. But I clearly need something more. Much more.