I'm waiting by the phone....

Not really. That would imply that the phone wasn't mobile. But I really wanted Joshua to call last night or the night before and he didn't. And part of me is like: "well, duh, Connie. He's with his family." But he managed to call me on Christmas evening. But he's Jewish, so that doesn't really mean anything to him, although it means something to me. The other side of me is like: "Well duh, Connie. He's just not that into you." And, of course, only time will tell.

There's this video game called "The Sims." And in it, you make friends, but each day you don't see someone, you lose 2 of your 'friend' points. I think that is a very female-centered view of how relationships work. I totally feel that--when I don't have contact with someone, I start to lose my connection with that person. But my male friends don't seem to operate that way. I think for men, absence is more likely to make the heart grow fonder. Until it doesn't.

I know the conceit with Joshua is that it is about what pleases him. I also know that Joshua knows that if the overall relationship doesn't work for me, it won't work. And he seems very aware of what works, so I don't think it was just a sense of not thinking. I really think either something was up with his family, or he isn't into me any more.

I texted Joshua yesterday to basically say: "hi--love to chat if you have time" and he didn't reply. (But we are in different time zones, and it is entirely possible he was already asleep.) And the gal who knows all 'the rules' (not the D/s rules--the make-a-guy-want-you rules) knows that is a major mistake. But I also know that if I can't get what I want from a relationship, I'm going to leave. I wanted to talk to Joshua before I left for Europe. It's fine it didn't happen. But I am disappointed. And feeling a little needy and a little like a 1950s gal in the age before answering machines.

Feeling bratty

I really wanted Joshua to call me tonight. Tonight and tomorrow are the last nights we can talk for a few weeks (I'm going to be in Europe for a month, and it is just too expensive to talk on the phone. I have my own room tonight, so we could skype, but then it is back to sharing with a friend.) And he was on CollarMe tonight. I don't tell him I really want to talk to him--I don't have anything to talk about. I just want to talk to him. My youngish side wants to feel cherished and directed and my public woman wants to be recognized and have angst assuaged.

Speaking of having angst assuaged--can I really be considering this? My grandmother had a relationship where the man was always right, and he got Alzheimer's and they both ended up having financial problems because she always deferred to him. My mother and father fight over little stuff that could be dealt with, I suppose, if he was more cherishing of her and she was more deferential, but I don't know. I don't know what I'm thinking. Or not thinking.

I think I'm more into him than he's into me. And yet he does seem pretty into me. I've blown off all but one of the men I was talking with. The last one, I don't know what to do with. He and I already met, so it would be clear that I'd picked Joshua over him. And I thought he'd fizzle on interest with me gone. But he e-mails me more than Joshua, and he'd call if I hadn't asked him not to. (Joshua is much more of a phone person than an e-mail person. He's an OK e-mail on CollarMe, but now that we're on real e-mail and he uses his iphone, he sends like 3 word e-mails. I want something more!!!!)

And yet, I want to be not insane or demanding or needy or annoying. So I keep those parts of me to myself and I just feel really bratty. But there's something else--I want him to want me, and I think men are more interested in women that are harder to get. I try not to play games, but at the same time, I do have a life, and what is playing games except pretending to have a life. But I somehow feel that if I were to call him (and I wouldn't, even if he wasn't with his family right now), then I would be less interesting. Less desirable. Fundamentally, I don't think that, deep down, just Connie, is good enough.

Christmas Odds and Ends

Went shopping with my mother today and she bought me a new pair of jeans. A size 10 pair of jeans. Size 10!!! (All I can say is sizes have become much more generous than they used to be. But even so!!! Now I understand how a friend who I thought was a size 12 or so actually wears and 8.) I'm really pleased. It is kind of amazing to me. I think a size 8 has been my goals since I was in the 8th grade or so. I don't think these jeans count (maybe they are a size 12, if they weren't sized for super-sized egos), but it is pretty damn clear that I'm doing many things right.

My dad wants me to stand up for myself better. Wants me to tell my boss to fuck off. Yeah, that's not going to happen. However, a family member is driving me crazy, and my dad is taking my side unambiguously (as is my mother) and my dad has agreed to talk to this family member for me because, after nagging me to tell this family member to fuck off and me being unable to comply, he is standing up for me. Which is lovely.

Interestingly, he said to me that feminism is just in my core DNA. The idea that men and women are equal is just something I take so completely for granted I don't even think about it. I really don't know how true that is. I think he would be absolutely shocked if he knew I was contemplating not just S&M, but this D/s that I'm considering.

Can I even keep this blog if I go into this? I mean, of course, I will, to the extent that I blog at all. I believe deep down that feminism is about honoring the choices that women make when they are given full choice, without financial or societal coercion, which I certainly am. And honoring women's choices includes, I suppose, honoring my choice. That is the hardest one of all. Well, mine and Sarah Palin's. But she's insane.

I want to have a long sit-down with Joshua, preferably before we like sleep together or anything, and talk with him about how he would want to deal with differences when he had them. If, for example, we decided to try and make this really work, could we really sit down, as equals, and talk about the pros and cons of Olympia versus Seattle? I just don't think I'd do well being ordered to move to Olympia. (OK, he doesn't live in Olympia--names have been changed--he actually lives in a town that I find a little less appealing than Olympia and a little longer commute from Seattle.) I would have to have a conversation of two equal people working through something like that and finding a way to make it work. I'm not saying I wouldn't ever leave Seattle, but I really would want to make those decisions together.

I don't know how to bring this up without freaking him out--it is pretty crazy that my concerns about this relationship are such huge 'what ifs' that involve us being rather serious about each other. But he did ask me what I thought my parents would think of him. So clearly he has a few longer-term ideas as well. I keep wishing he'd call more often and knowing he can't. The less I talk to him, though, the more my mind gets scared about where this is going. When we talk, I'm less frenetic.

I think the young girl (we'll call her yg), yearning for a sir, is delighted. And the polished woman, taking on the world, is terrified (we'll call her PW). (And part of me wonders if John and Steve hadn't been so articulate about describing their impressions of me, if I would still see myself in that way. I've actually used this construct in talking to Joshua and I think he thinks it makes sense for how he has encountered me. But at one point does description become proscriptive?) PW is willing to trust--who? Joshua? Me? I'm not sure. But PW seems willing to trust Joshua enough to get together again. But she isn't ready to sleep with him. However, Joshua has met both polished woman and young girl (although he seems more interested in yg, he definitely wanted to make sure pw existed--in fact, I don't think he'd be interested in yg without pw). But Joshua seems to respect Polished Woman. And he says: "Hey--PW--if you follow me--I'll help you accomplish what you want Constance to accomplish." The fact that he's seen and respected PW makes it easier for her to trust a bit. But PW isn't ready for anything that would say, gasp, leave me emotionally vulnerable.

Young girl sure as heck is, though!

Externalizing Judgment

I seem to have a long history of assuming those in authority would not approve of me if they knew who I really was. (I should also say that the feeling of not fitting in goes back to the bullying I received in the first grade; those feelings may be linked.)

For a brief period of time, I worked with a fairly prominent professional feminist. I knew that she had kinky lesbian friends, but I have always assumed that if she knew about me, she would be mortified. Of course, I never asked her. I assumed that the authority figure would not approve of who I was. I do that with a lot more than feminism. I do it with any form of fun that is not physically active. Reading books that aren't Tolstoy, for example, seems like something shameful. Hell--I was really embarrassed at my exercise class when the teacher pointed out that I was breathing correctly during an exercise when other peopel were holding their breaths because I felt like I was breathing too much! I actually had a long period when I would sneak breaths at yoga class, and felt like a little kid sneaking food she knows she shouldn't have.

I was raised with discipline, but nothing like what I've internalized. There were a few crazy moments--my father tried to get me to use less lip balm at one point because he felt like it was excessive, and when my lips get really chapped, I will want to just buy another things of lipbalm if I don't have any. There was an emphasis on highbrow entertainment (we didn't have a tv and weren't allowed to watch tv). Molly Ivins then (and Gail Collins now) are too frivolous--I should be reading Krugman's blog (which I honestly find a little boring sometimes). But nothing like as crazy as I've gotten, not with my actions but with my judgement of my actions.

Joshua and I talked through my goals for my vacation, but when I was packing, I packed two books for fun reading as well. And I felt guilty. Now, nowhere did he say or imply or hint that I shouldn't have fun on my vacation. Nowhere. But somehow or other, I get it in my head that if I'm being a 'good girl' there's no place for me to enjoy myself as well as be productive. I didn't call him and ask for permission to read books for fun because a) it seemed psycho; b) it seemed overly needy and c) no one ever implied that it would be a problem. I did say that less time with media was a goal for my vacation, but media for me isn't books. (An hour reading a book gives me very different energy than an hour surfing the web--I want to read for fun more--I like how it makes me feel.)

So I think that in order for me to actually be able to have realistic ideas for any sort of D/s relationship, I might have to have realistic ideas about what I expect from myself. Of course, maybe part of the reason I am open to something like this is that it obviates my need to stop being so damn judgemental of myself, if I simply allow someone else to make those judgements.
I'm beginning to wonder

Connie's Freakout, part 2

So, I'm freaking out again about Joshua. And here's the thing--right now it is hot. Very hot. But what if in 5 years, it isn't so hot to be bossed around. What if, instead of making me wet, it makes me weary. What if I resent not being an equal? What if things just feel out of balance and I understand viscerally all the hard-won lessons the feminists of the 60s and 70s won for us? What if big things happened (like say, worst case scenario I could imagine: I got pregnant and found out the baby had Down's syndrome) and we were at loggerheads and he was right because he was in charge? Ceding authoring over sex is hot. Him supporting me in my already established goals is a gift. But where does it become a feeling of subjugation?

And yet, as Joshua might say, "How's that working out for you?"

I like pleasing. That's been in my DNA for a very, very long time. I don't think that's going anywhere. I think, as long as he appreciated it, I could cede control on day-to-day stuff. But not on big stuff.

And I think if I were to bring this fear to Joshua, if he didn't freak out that I'm thinking long-term and have only known him a brief period of time, he might say something like: "What, Connie, you don't feel like you can completely trust me to make every decision for you for the rest of your life after some, albeit, quite intense phone conversations and a total of 12 hours together? I'm shocked!"

I also think he would say that he thinks my needs are as important as his, and it is his job as a Dominant to make sure my needs are met, albeit not necessarily in the way or time I think they should be. It is my job to trust and his job to meet that trust. I think that's what he would say. And I would say, his actions, at least so far, have shown that he would want to make sure my needs were met at a hypothetical point in the future. I do think he is wise, and some of the places he has set clear limits on the time he has for me are ways that make me respect him more (like not talking to me on the phone when he and his ex-wife are in the same house).

It isn't that I think he and I are necessarily going to spend the rest of our lives together. But I think there is a possiblity for something wonderful and I have been systematically dismissing the other men I've been talking to who might have been romantic prospects. (He didn't ask me to, but he sort of hinted that I could.) But I just started freaking out over what would something like this mean down the road? I am, I should say, less freaked out now that I've sort of talked through it in writing. Having a blog is, I think, a perfectly adequate (and much cheaper!) alternative for therapy.

Perfectionism

So, I figured out what has me so freaked out (or at least one of the things) about "Joshua." Unlike every other man I've ever been with in a kinky setting, he asks what I want to accomplish, and he wants to support me in that. He seems to think that I'm a competent person with my own goals in the world and he would include that in our D/s. But, here's the thing: I'm a perfectionist with myself. Nothing I have done is beyond reproach. No matter what I do, unless something is absolutely perfect, I criticize myself. And that includes numerous things that I can't control: "Oh, I'm so sorry it is so cold today--if I'd known the weather when I got us these difficult tickets to get that you wanted see I would have..." I would have what? Changed the date of the concert? Driven more to hope global warming kicks in faster?

Really, the depth of my hubris when it comes to what I feel bad about is rather shocking. I still blame myself for Dean losing Iowa because if only I'd flown out earlier to volunteer, it all would have been much different. (Let's not even discuss how badly I feel about not volunteering much for the 2000 election. Let me also apologize to all of you right now for the financial meltdown. I knew something was fishy by 2004 because the ratio of renting to buying was so off historic values, and I sold my house at the peak, but I should have done a better job warning you, of course I didn't know you and didn't have a blog, not that you'd take economic advice from me, but none-the-less, I really should have tried harder. And while we're at it, let me apologize to any women younger than me for not ending all sexism in our society for you.)

In my kinky relationships in the past, I haven't apologized for disobeying, because I just don't disobey. I have made mistakes (for which I've apologized, and been punished for--one man didn't want me to mention Bush's name, and we met on Democratic singles and he'd talk politics with me and I'd slip; that was mostly playful). But mostly I apologize for my failure to a) read minds; b) control all those things that can't be controlled (I'm so sorry there were ants at the picnic--I should have thought of that and exterminated the woods before we planned our picnic); and c) predict the future. If anything is wrong in your world while I am a part of it, I will feel bad. (I still feel guilty that my dad's doctor misdiagnosed the cancer and I asked him to get a second opinion, but didn't freak out.)

I think part of the thing that I do appreciate with D/s is not having to live up to my own standards, which are pretty darn impossible. I would never expect other people to live by my standards--I'm pretty generous, I think, with the people in my life. I just need someone else to teach me how to be generous with me.

Which brings me back to my current fear. If Joshua actually expects me to live by my expectations for myself, well, I don't think I can. I don't think anyone could live up to my expectations for myself. Have someone else define good (not good enough because I can never seem to be happy with good enough) is a wonderful gift. I want to be pushed, somewhat. I also want to be given permission to say "Connie--you did a good job." I want to learn how to be happy with what I do, and I always feel like I do that better through someone else's eyes.

Sometimes D/s feeds my perfectionism and sometimes it releases it. I will talk to Joshua about this. At some point. When he asks if there's anything I've been thinking about. He's super busy right now. He values open and complete communication, but it tends to be mostly about how I'm feeling in that moment, which is good--I feel so neurotic with some of this stuff, and when he always asks how I feel, I think it makes me feel like I seem really neurotic. But I'm probably no more than most women. Or maybe I am more open about it because I analyze it all so much.

The Precipice

There's a scene that I don't really remember well from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where he has to walk on something he can't see and he throws stones and sees that the invisible structure does exist and runs over the precipice. It must have been terrifying.

I feel like I might be at such a precipice; I'm terrified.

Joshua called again. So sweet and generous and he really understands me in many ways, and he seems to believe that this is about both of us having our needs met. He said several things that indicate he gets me in ways I don't even want to admit. I'm going to be travelling for the next month, and he said he was going to give me assignments to do while I'm gone, to really think through where I'm at. I see pebbles telling me that there is a structure there that could support me. Joshua is offering me what I thought I wanted. A little more structured--OK, a lot more structured. But nevertheless, pretty much the "Patrick-Swayze-in-Dirty-Dancing-platonic-ideal-of-a-man-in-BDSM form." Did I mention he is quite handsome? And stronger than me, which believe it or not has been an issue in the past? I really like being able to be physical overpowered. And he seems to really like me. He said I was gorgeous! Naturally, I'm utterly terrified.

Last summer, after dad's cancer, I turned into a total couch potato. I don't mind. Hanging out with my dad and watching movies and supporting him (and seeing him get better) was everything I could have wanted for that summer. But once he was better, I didn't go back to where I was. My butt started to develop roots into the couch. And this year, I really made the changes to not be a couch potato. I am in SO much better shape than I've probably been in for 13 years. But I see the appeal of couch potatodom. I really get why that is nice. I'm glad I'm being more active, and overall, my life is much richer for it. But if 7 months ago, someone had said: "Constance, you must do all these things" it would have been terrifying. I'd be like: "but, I like sleeping in in the mornings? How could you take that away from me? I need that?" I wouldn't go back t where I was, but it was a series of hard, but small changes.

And I feel like Joshua will expect me to live to my full potential every day, and that is pretty fucking terrifying. For the last 9 years, really, I haven't. Somehow, or other, I had good internal discipline for professional things until September 11th, and something just broke on that day. Something just went a little dark. Something just went. And I went on anti-depressants and tried to pick up the pieces, but all the king's horses and all the king's men....

So here is a man who seems to like me. Who seems to care. Who wants me to obey him, but is willing to have that include obeying him to accomplish what I always thought I wanted and wasn't doing. And I trust him--he seems wise. He seems to have good judgement. He seems clear about where this would go in a healthy way that would leave me bouncier in the long run.

But what if I'd rather not finish anything? What if I finish all my projects and find out I'm really, deeply mediocre? What if that was a defense mechanism to cover the inherent mediocrity of my life, my writing, my creativity?

And on the other hand, what if it is great, and then I want autonomy? What if our values clash on something big? What if I feel stifled? What if it makes my neuroses more neurotic? What if I keep trying to prove I'm lovable, and nothing every proves it because you can't earn lovability. What if deep down, I really just want to be loved for me? To offer to do something for someone, to offer to prove myself and he might say: "but you don't have to prove or do anything! Just be you!" But then, as Joshua might say, 'how's that working out for you so far?'

I did tell Joshua I have a blog, and I told him I'd rather not give him the URL. He hasn't pushed me yet, but I expect that is only a matter of time. I'm even scared to have him read this. I wanted to go out and edit my life--make it a little more polished. Take away some of the rough edges. But I know that would be a form of lying (not that I won't rewrite poorly written things whenever I find them.) Or maybe I'm more scared to give him the URL and have him be bored with it. I think much of what went wrong with John (aside from the fact he was dying) was the he stopped reading my blog, but didn't tell me, and so I assumed he knew things that he claims he didn't know. (I don't think it was because he was bored--I think it was because he wanted to give me a private space, but he never communicated that to me.) But there were also times I told him things explicitly and he wouldn't remember, so maybe that is "don't date a guy who's brain is shutting down before he dies an early death" and not "don't tell anyone you have a blog." But so much scares me right now!

Joshua has made it really clear that he will support me on any of my projects. Wow! But I haven't told him I'm trying to lose weight. (I lost 20 pounds this year! Woo hoo!) He asked what my goal was for exercise and I said "to be cute," which is true. I mean, I'm doing a triathlon this summer, but it's not an Iron Man. It's just a 1500 KM swim, 17 mile bike ride and 5 mile run. If I was willing to buy a wet suit, I could do it today--it isn't like I need to train for it, although I am training for the sake of training. But I feel like if he tried to support me on losing weight, it could mess all both my ability to lose weight right now and it would mess up our relationship. I think part of the reason I'm able to lose weight right now is how loving I'm being with my food. I'm losing weight REALLY slowly (about 2 pounds a month), but I'm doing it! If he wanted something that was still really reasonable, like a pound a month, which I would love to do but don't know how, I'm scared it would bring back rebellion from my childhood and all that stuff. I've never been this in control of my eating in a joyous and playful way. I have tried my entire life to be at the point I'm at right now with food. But I think my regular treats are super-important for staying with my current success. I feel like if I pushed it, I could totally lose it (as I have in the past).

But even more important, I can't feel like he couldn't be with me, as I am right now. I want two mutually exclusive things: to try and be whatever he wants me to be, and to be loved for exactly who I happen to be. It seems an impossible circle to square. And that might be the crux of my fear.

Not Being Needy

So earlier today I wrote this:

I have a cat that is always begging for attention. I love her dearly, but it kind of drives me crazy just how needy she is. It is an insatiable longing to be constantly held, petted, brushed, loved. In the last year, I've come to believe that I have this cat to teach me it is OK to ask for love. She still drives me crazy, but I'm trying to have some empathy for her neediness.

I hide my neediness. Completely. My persona is an autonomous and complete woman--hear me roar! There are times, I'm a little shocked at how needy I would be if I allowed myself to act as I feel. I hid my profile on CollarMe yesterday, and yesterday I was fine. But yesterday I woke up in "Joshua's" arms and we talked on the phone several times. (Joshua has spoiled me with an amazing amount of attention, but we are both actually interesting people with lives. He wanted to talk more than I could yesterday. I want to talk more than he can today.)

But today-------well Joshua is crazy busy (and will be not available for the next couple of weeks due to holiday plans). My life is hectic, but no male attention for a day? Joshua did e-mail me this morning to say he was busy, but he was wishing me a good day. Intellectually, of course that is just fine.

But wow--I would normally go onto collarme or OKCupid and have someone chat me up and let me know I'm cute. Which just seems crazy--like 'really Constance? You really want that much attention?' Yes. I want that much attention. "I would like the universe to get down on it's knees and say Constance, whatever you please. It's OK even if its ridiculous. We'll arrange it!" So arrange it!

After I wrote that, another guy I went out with last week called me and I sort of blew him off, but didn't tell him I wouldn't see him again. It's this weird in-between space. (But other guy wanted to Skype while I was in Europe and I said no.) I was very careful not to do anything I couldn't tell Joshua I'd done. But I was glad for a little attention. And then 3 more men e-mailed me. One I had very little relationship with so, I just told him I wasn't available. The other I've been e-mailing for a couple of months (he is moving to Seattle in January) and I told him that I wanted to give Joshua and I space, and he was disappointed, but sweet and wants to stay in touch. Which, if Joshua and I work, I don't think will happen. But I did tell him he could still e-mail me any questions for his move (which I'd previously offered).

And then Joshua found a few minutes to call and I was so happy. And I wanted every more--I wanted to talk dirty, I wanted to see him, I wanted to delve into the places and he was just in the car running. I don't want to be that needy.

I am SO much like my cat, begging for pets. Fortunately I can control it. But it is interesting to watch my unmediated longings.

D/S versus kinky sex

So I spent Friday night at "Joshua's" and it was pretty spectacular. And he called me an hour after I left. And he called later in the day.

On an erotic level, I'm pretty sure we could really work (assuming I could fulfill his desires), and on a friends level, we could absolutely work.

However, he wants a full D/S relationship, and it is kind of freaking me out. I think it is freaking me out more theoretical and more for how I'd feel down the road, than how I'd feel right now. But I'm actually open to giving it a try. Mostly because part of me has longed for someone to support me in being more focused and then he did.

If you ice-skate--they do something called an 'ice-cut' where they take off the top layer of ice and put down fresh water, which freezes creating perfectly smooth ice. Before an ice-cut, the ice can be kind of gravelly and everything takes effort. I can still skate, but it isn't fun--it is an accomplishment. After an ice-cut, it take no energy to skate--you just kind of fly--I can get around the entire rink on one foot. Skating is effortless. And when Joshua started asking what I wanted to get done that day and then asking if I'd done it--it really was like an ice-cut for my life. Work seemed effortless and joyous. I can't believe the difference it made on so many levels! And that makes me willing to consider this. He seems wise. Over and over and over again, he has done things that make me trust his judgement. I'm smart--but not as wise as he is.

On our date, he not only ordered for me, he fed me! It was rather embarrassing and rather luscious. I would be curious to know that calorie difference if I'm eating small bites of less healthy food, versus feeding myself salad without dressing. I really don't know. I certainly enjoyed dinner very much!

Part of the D/s stuff feels like it codifies emotionally bad habits--to what extent is this codependent? It certainly feeds into my constant need to prove myself. There is definitely a part of it where I start trying to prove myself more in that context. I wanted to prove myself to Joshua so much--like somehow, if I could endure something, then I would be good enough for him. Because I don't think of myself as good enough now. That hardly seems healthy, but it also acknowledges where I am, honestly and truly, instead of trying to pretend I'm something I'm not.

The bifurcation thing I do, it seemed OK. He actually seems to like the side of me that is smart and authoritative. I think that being smart is actually necessary for him to want to be with someone. (Although I think my bifurcation is a little more extreme--I go from so polished to so young, so quickly! He kept pushing me back and forth and back and forth.)

He constantly demands to know what I'm thinking, and doesn't share what he's thinking. I would really like to know more of what he's thinking, but I think he thinks we could have potential and he seems to want something lasting. And I think he thinks that I think that he thinks that I think that there's too much thinking going on.

We didn't have sex, but came awfully, awfully close. I told him, in a pretty 'hard limit--no negotiation, not on the table for D/s' sort of way that I while I'm politically pro-choice, I would not choose that for me, which is a REALLY good way to have a date end quickly, as I know from lots and lots and lots of experience! (I feel an ethical obligation to have that conversation with someone--I do think in reality, it has to be a woman's choice, and I think it would be unfair for any child to not have support from both mom and dad, so I don't know how to make it better. But I don't think the current status quo is fair to men, who really don't get a choice and can get a child support bill that is pretty life defining. I just wouldn't want to put a man in that position and I wouldn't want to put a child in that position.) But it didn't end quickly. We did come close enough to sex (or at least I perceived that we were coming close, although I think his intention was to tease and confuse, but not to ravage) that I blurted out "I'm not on the pill." He promised before we started that we wouldn't have sex, but there was SO much teasing involved, I kind of can't believe he kept his promise on that. I'm really, really glad because I trust him a hell of a lot more than if that had been rediscussed when I was naked and submissive.

One concern I have is the constantly sharing what I'm thinking. He seems to have a history of women getting into him too quickly for his comfort, and I think it is linked to asking what someone is thinking all the time. I haven't hidden or prevaricated--I have been doing my very best to be open with him, but I want to talk to him about this, because I really think that chicks think things that freak guys out. Although maybe I focus more on the big picture when I'm not with him than when I am. And fortunately, I'm playing hard to get by actually having plans I made before I met him; I'm going to Europe for most of January. (Part of me wishes I wasn't--part of me is scared he'll meet someone while I'm gone. But who knows--maybe he'll just meet people that remind him how fabulous I am. He can't talk to chicks for 6 hours every night of the week--he does need to sleep sometime!)

Discipline and Focus

So there's a new guy; let's call him Joshua. And full caveat, we haven't met yet, so I should be all smitten.

But we did talk on the phone for 6 hours the other night! And he is very clear that he wants much more of a D/s focus that isn't just about sex. Normally, this would freak me out. But it isn't.

I think the big thing is that he is wise and we have values that seem quite similarly aligned. The ex wanted this, but he would have made me get stoned, or play Texas Hold-em to please him. There wouldn't have been anything about who I was in that.

Joshua has been asking what my projects are and what I want to do on them, and then holding me to that. And I am SO much more focused. It is kind of amazing. I'm about a week ahead of where I would thought I'd be (this is a really hectic time of year with several work project that always finish between Hanukkah and Christmas). I'm actually focusing and finishing. I haven't worked like this since Sept 11.

10 years ago, I really wanted this. Then I thought I'd never find it and besides, I should grow up and have my own, self-imposed discipline. And to a certain extent, I have. But this is so much easier. It feels like Mary Poppins spoon full of sugar. It makes it fun to get my work done. Like something just clicked and said "come home."

I really hope this works! I really like this man!