Bleah

I'm in mild trouble at work because a client complained about the fact that I enforced a rule, and my boss isn't backing me up. His view is any complaint is valid.

I really hate it when I feel like I'm doing everything right and I don't have support for people around me. I hated it when I felt that way with the ex-boyfriend, and I hate it at my job. Unfortunately, the economy is such, that I'm afraid I don't have much of a choice right now.

And, I have a birthday coming up and no one to spend it with. I have 3 close friends, but only one lives in my town, and she's going to be in another country on my birthday. My only plans for my birthday are to get a cupcake at my favorite cupcake place. The thought of it makes me want to cry!!! I feel like I can't even do my regular fun things because people I do those with are on facebook and it just looks to pathetic to be taking extra dance classes on my birthday, or something like that.

I'm really trying to be open and joyous instead of guarded and defensive. But it means my emotions are much closer to the surface, and right now, that is hard.

What do I want? Pt. 2

I realized, I didn't answer that the last time.

So, on a relationship level, I want a pretty egalitarian relationship. I am sure we'd split household tasks based on what each of us liked, to do and what we'd hire someone to help with. Hopefully, he'd make about as much more as me, give or take 10 or 20 thousand dollars. If he made a lot more, I'd deal, I'm sure. But it would be hard for me--I think I'd end up feeling like I had to prove myself. If he made a lot less, well I could handle it if he had a 'calling' that he was actively pursuing. But I'm also aware that I work a second job because I make an extra 15K a year, or so. It's only about 6 hours a week, or so, but it takes a lot more than 6 hours a week, because it is an hour here and an hour there, and I have to travel for each hour. Anyway, I feel like if I was married to someone that hadn't made sacrifices to make a solid living, I could feel like things were out of whack. I wouldn't not go out with someone because they made little, but I did go out with a guy that made about 22K a year, and when I found out he was getting palimony from his ex wife, I lost interest in him. I don't really want to support someone, unless he is doing something I really believe in (probably political or humanitarian--I have enough unrealized artistic dreams that it would be hard for me to support someone else in his art, unless it was temporary).

Anyway, moving on: I want someone who will be interested enough in me to support me in my dreams. Maybe he'd be willing to read what I'm writing every few months, to talk about it and ask questions. (And, of course, I'd do that for him!)

I want someone that is somewhat optimistic about the world, without being crazy, who will have respect for my spiritual meanderings and my underlying agnosticism.

I want someone with a strong sense of integrity and a purpose in the world beyond making money.

Erotically: I want someone who will lead, like a ballroom dancer leads. This means he is in charge, and tells me what to do. He would cherish me, and make sure I had fun.

But not until I trust him enough to lead.

He would know me well enough to read my facial expressions. If he wanted to push me into the liminal places, where both pain and pleasure are intertwined, and I can't label or define, so I stop thinking for that moment, wonderful. But he couldn't push me out of pleasure and into just pain. I need both.

And sometimes, he would hear my fear or reluctance and kiss me on the eyes and say "but I know you'll do this for me." And then he wouldn't push me to endurance--just to the edge. Never falling in. But having my concerns heard and then ignored (nicely) is incredibly sexy to me.

But most of all, it is tone.

There was one evening with the ex that was so magical. He always liked me to be naked and kneeling when he came home, but sometimes I wouldn't hear the door open, and I wouldn't be and then I'd feel bad (I do love to please), so he started calling me on his way home, so I'd be ready, and that worked beautifully for both of us. He got obedience, and I got a way to please. Anyway, one day he had gone to take the trash out--I think it was recycling day, or something, cause he was gone for a couple of minutes, so when he came back, I was naked and kneeling for him. And this day, he came up and rubbed my back for a bit, and told me how beautiful I was, and then took off his belt and proceeded to spank me. But it didn't hurt at all. I just luxuriated in it. He had never seen me like that. Somehow or other, the tone, the massage, the cherishing--it all just came together. I didn't want him to stop (the only time that had ever happened with my ex).

I don't know if I'm actually kinky enough to be on the kinky website, although I have put an ad back up on collarme--I like the open communication that starts there. Most of the people are not for me, but perchance....

Is it Better to be Right than Loved

This seems a big issue for me. When I was a kid, and I'd argue with my dad over something he'd always say: "Is it better to be right or be loved?" The problem is, we were arguing over facts. And usually I was right. When we moved to the street we lived on for most of my childhood, the street name was long with difficult spelling. My dad clearly had a hard time learning to spell it, and he wasn't willing to admit it to me, his 2nd grader. I finally went and learned it from the street sign because he kept changing the spelling (I'm sure inadvertently) and he was really upset that his second grader (whom, I might added, had been placed in the lowest of each tracks and threatened with being held back a year) was correcting him.

"Is it better to be right or loved?" But I was right. There was a fact that could be determined. To me, it isn't important that I'm right, but I have this obsession with getting facts correct. There are known facts, and if our conversation is using facts, we should both have the correct facts. When my facts are wrong, I try to tell everyone I've given the wrong fact to in order to not perpetuate wrong facts. I've been known to e-mail someone six months after a conversation to issue a correction to my facts.

I know that I go farther than most on this, and I wish I didn't care, but it really, really matters to me that facts are correct, and I know it is a turn-off for a lot of men, who don't necessarily want to check their facts when they are going out with someone.

Recently, I was out with a little twit of a man, and he claimed he was interested in global warming (wanting to start a business in order to invest in green technologies) so we started talking and I said something like "without limits in carbon dioxide" and he said "what are you talking about" and I said "well I just don't see the political will to pass meaningful climate change" and he said "but we've already signed on to it" and I said "but Kyoto didn't have any enforcement mechanisms" and he said "but we've agreed to limit carbon dioxide. That debate's over." And I was like "no, we haven't." And he said "Oh, sweetie. You don't know what you're talking about." I said "Well, I'd love to read what you're reading because everything I'm reading is telling me the opposite." But of course I never returned his call after that.

Now, I suppose, it is possible that I'm wrong and we have agreed to limit carbon dioxide and I missed it. But I seriously doubt it. It isn't because I want to be 'right;' it's just that, and I know this sounds arrogant, but I am right. When facts are involved, I tend to know what I know and know what I don't know and I am usually right.

But, when feelings and emotions are involved, I will immediately say I'm wrong; immediately apologize and take the blame. And that's a problem too. Reading through John and my correspondence, I noticed how often I would say "I was wrong, I'm sorry" hoping to make the situation better. And a lot of the time, I wasn't wrong, but I wasn't just saying it. Now, John was probably an extreme case because I really think his memory issues were more extreme than he realized. In the most extreme case, he was really upset that he had sent me an e-mail, reaching out to me about how he felt with his mother's death, and I never responded. When he confronted me about it, I apologized. It probably would have been better for both me and for our relationship if I had said: "John, I never got that e-mail. I've searched my e-mail (and we both use gmail so it is easy to search) and have no record of ever receiving it." At the moment, going through my e-mails felt like I would be confronting him; like I would be trying to be right at the expense of being wrong. So I just accepted blame, hoping to be wrong and be loved.

I think it is important that I stop assuming I'm the one that is always wrong. I don't want to insist on being right, but I think I need to be willing to say my side, instead of just saying: "I'm wrong--love me." And somehow, or other, I need to let go of my obsession for facts. They are useful, but they aren't the be all and end all. Perhaps the "I'd love to read where you read that; now let's talk about something sexy" would be a good thing to say.

What Do Women Want? What do I want?

So I posted a profile on CollarMe. We'll see how long I last. But here's the thing--I haven't met anyone worth dating on OKCupid. And I met John on CM. And, frankly, I met Steve, whom I glad I met, and the ex boyfriend as well. And a couple of other randoms I'm glad I met.

But I don't know if I could ever trust a man enough again to surrender. I really don't. And that makes me deeply, deeply sad.

I went out with a guy last week from there. Perchance if he'd asked a single follow-up question, after dominating the conversation all evening (I would say he probably about 90% of the time, which means it was probably 75% of the time--literally after talking about his 4 favorite towns in England, he asked the last time I went to Europe and I said January, and he didn't even ask me which countries!), maybe I would have responded differently. I did kiss him because it was easier, but wouldn't let him French kiss me. That seems to be my new limit.

The thing is, with John, the only way we had a chance was when he got to the point where he would rather be with me than do any S&M activity. He likened it to "standing up on roller-coasters." He was like with Jamie (that was the girl he dated after we met, who would do anything he wanted of an S&M scale, but couldn't be loyal or emotionally honest, or maybe she could and he was having brain problems--I don't know, although John's sister confirmed John's story): "We both liked standing up on roller-coasters. So we did a lot of standing up on roller-coasters. But it isn't pivotal to me."

I would say, I'm being pretty good about standing up for myself. Well, at least better than I was! The asshole who talked about my physical shortcomings, he really did hurt me. And how hard would it have been to say "I'm just not really in a place where I think I can date right now." Or "I tend to go for brunettes" or whatever. But the funny thing is, I met him on OKCupid.

But, when someone isn't treating me well, I hold my right ring-finger, with my ring that John had for a year and a half, and I take a deep breath and say "cute as a god-damned button" and then I take care of myself.

I was talking with a friend who believes in God, and doesn't believe that our experience of linear time is the only way to experience time, once we're no longer in this world. I'm jealous of his surety. I wish I felt John's presence, other than in my mind. I wish, well I wish for so much.

Dreams

I had this really intense dream about John last night.

He was in a hospital and I crawled into bed with him. He was hooked up to machines that were I guess like dialysis, or something, to take the strain off his heart and he was worried about me and wanted to hook my up to the machine so I could have a break from having to clean and oxygenate my own blood. And I started fighting with him that he needed it, and I could do it myself, but he kept insisting that this was something he could do for me, that he wanted to take care of me so I could have a break.

I don't usually put much stock in dreams, but this one stayed with me all day. I can't seem to shake it. I feel guilty for him giving me something in my dream that he couldn't afford to give me. I wish I knew what it means. It's been disorienting today, but intellectually, I don't think I should feel like I've done something wrong.