Alone

I'm going to Italy next week for a couple of weeks.  Last time I went to Europe, it was with Dotty.  And before that it was with MaxEarnest.

I'm going to try and get pregnant this summer, and I'm very clear that I want to have a child.  But I have pretty much stopped dating and I feel like I still have a Dotty-sized hole in my life.  I know MaxEarnest and I wanted conflicting things.  Intellectually I accept that.  He said you can't have everything all the time, but every time I see his country on the map, I miss him. 

Transparency

I feel like I'm at this weird crossroads.

The last guy I met on OK Cupid literally seemed like a performance artist--I couldn't believe someone could be quite that awful in every way.  He was

• living in his mom's basement
• while he finished drug rehab
• so he could get his driver's license unrevoked
• because he HATES it here and always has so he was going to 
• move to LA and become a movie star at 45.

And he wondered why no one wanted to go out with him.

I tried to be kind, but I was really blunt that dating is about making roots and connections and if your only goal is to leave, now isn't the time to date.  And the truth of the matter is, I expect he will find a partner before I will.  Because I'm beginning to think, I'm going to be single for the rest of my life.  And so it Dotty.  And so are several other of my amazing friends. 

It is hard not to be bitter about men.  But I do think they care more about women look like than everything else combined.  And I don't think I'm hot enough for most of them.  (I was at Panera this week, and there was a guy next to me, complaining on the cell phone that he can't get a date because he doesn't have a job, and I felt like saying "I would totally go out with you without a job." But I didn't like how rude he was at Panera--we were in the room that is sort of the quiet room and he was talking loudly enough that everyone heard his business, for a very long time--I probably wouldn't go out with him.  But not because of the job.  I guess we're all picky. But, who am I kidding, if he'd asked me out, I would have given him a couple of dates to see if I liked him."

I've been watching Transparent and it is terrific.  But the easy casualness with which everyone is hurting each other so badly is painful.  Real, but painful. It reminds me of how much I feel I get casually ignored in ways that hurt.  And I am probably doing it to other people, but I swear I'm at least aware of trying to take someone else's feelings into account.  But I'm also aware of how much I shrink from conflict.  I don't want people to be mad at me, so I go along way more than I want to.