When it rains, it pours...

So Bobby reappeared (I was over-reacting--fortunately, I didn't tell him that I had a good cry this afternoon) and David gets out of jail on Monday. What the fuck do I do?

I could see myself spending my life with either one of these men. But I also know, if I could pick one, based on what I know, it would be Bobby. I don't want to fuck things up with him by getting involved with David. I don't want to let David go when Bobby and I haven't slept together and I feel like I'm more into him than he is into me. Haven't talked about not seeing other people. I really liked David. But his life was just a mess. And his communication skills were lacking (as were Bobby's but nothing like the same degree).

David and I clicked sexually very well (despite not having intercourse). And I respect him, despite his recent incarceration. He has good values. I would enjoy being a mother to his kids (I think--the autism really does scare me, but it seems like it isn't extreme). He is warm and funny and we just clicked sexually.

Bobby feels like he could be, well . . . We click on an intellectual level, on an introverted, talk-about-my-inner-child level. And, well if fooling around in his car is any indication, he could take me places I've never imagined. Intellect, emotion and eroticism--I never thought I'd find someone where I felt all three. Bobby feels like he could be a soul mate. Bobby makes me realize how much I compromised with John, despite how much I love him. Bobby is the man that, when I think about John, John would say: "yes. This man is good enough for you."

But fuck, Bobby and I just met. I'm terrified that if I think of Bobby as a potential soul mate, it will scare him off. I don't want to play games, but I don't want to fuck it up. And I like David. I do. I would have thought I could have spent the rest of my life with him, if I hadn't met Bobby.

I guess I buy time.. Bobby is on CM several times a day. (I was off for like 5 days and then went back on to return an email from David and realized he'd been on about 20 minutes before me, and now I've been checking when he was last on when I go on, and it is clearly a priority for him. Oy, that sounds neurotic. But I just want to know, and it is really useful to remember that he isn't as into me as I am into him. Or maybe he is, but he hasn't told me. [I've hinted, but I haven't told him either.] It keeps me from building castles in the air. I need a foundation.)

Maybe I should just keep doors open with both men, until one wants to shut both of our other doors. Except David will want to as soon as he can. But, I think as long as he's under house arrest, I can keep that option open. House arrest? Since when do I date guys in jail and house arrest? Somehow, drunk driving doesn't feel like enough of a deal to throw away a relationship. It just all seems so fucked up!

I wish Bobby would claim me. Soon.

Waiting

Yesterday was lousy. I knew that "Bobby" had a busy week, and he was playing hookie from work and wasn't sure he could.

But he was flaky in giving me updates (and didn't make it eventually). He said at noon yesterday he would make it up to me, and now he's MIA.

I can't believe he's going to just disappear. I know work is crazy and he's daughter is leaving for 4 months and he had already committed to spending this week with her (which I really respect). But I don't know why he's not text-messaging.

I'm trying to not contact him. I really feel like I should give him space. But I'm sad.

Possiblities

I am completely and totally smitten with this man. Let’s call him Bobby. Alas, Bobby lives 4 hours away, assuming the traffic is OK. He and I had been talking on CM, and I had a business trip to his neck of the woods, so we got together. And, well, let’s just say I’m thinking that I could do a long-distance relationship.

The things that seems so surprising is that he and I click on an intellectual level. We click on an emotional-level. (I can talk to him about this stuff in this blog--I’ve never talked to anyone on the same level like that. I’ve talked to him about ‘inner child’ stuff, and stuff with my dad, and stuff I’ve never told anyone. I told John that deep down, I was scared I was unlovable. But I never told him that my dad told me no man would ever love me if I didn’t lose weight and that I tried to stop wanting that and Bobby in Company made me realize how important that was to me. [Yes, that’s why I’m calling him Bobby.]) And he and I seem to kink in incredibly simpatico ways. Like I don’t even have to tell him my concerns (although he is really wanting to hear them), but he just gets them and says “of course” not “well, you’d have to get over that.” At one point I said “I don’t know that I should tell you this. And I don’t want you to use this information right now. If we get to the point of a safeword, then you can.” And he said “you don’t have to, I know.” And I said “what was I going to say?” And he said “that you like to be pushed a little. That that is part of surrender for you.” And that actually was what I had been planning to say.

He did have a different take on me than I had on me, and when I brought it up, he was really responsive. He thought I wanted a lot of structure. I told him I didn’t so much want structure as hate criticism, so I’d much rather know exactly what he likes than do something wrong. He said he really only had 2 rules for me, aside from obeying what he said in the moment. Do what feels right while being present and if communication broke down, do the last thing he said. I, being me, asked for clarification on rule 2, because I was thinking of it in the context of a fight, but he said ‘no--context of a dead cell phone battery and we were going to meet at Starbucks’ and again, I just felt like: 'Yes, of course.'

We’ve talked about criticism, and we both felt really criticized and don’t do well with it. And he is SO interested in my non-kink life. He loves the fact that I’m, according to him, “Super Smart!”

I even told him I had a blog, and I didn’t want to give him the URL, and why it was important to me, and he said that was fine. As long as I talk to him about issues once I understand what is going on.

So, yes, we made out on our first date. And he is an amazing kisser. We’ve exchanged about 300 text messages in the last few days (and quite a few saucy ones) and a couple of long phone calls. He even talks to me about how he’s feeling. I think he has the most emotional awareness and clarity of any man I’ve ever met (aside possibly from the ones I’m related to and a few that I’ve paid money to for therapy).

We’re getting together tomorrow, before I go home. And then, I guess we’ll see. My inclination is to pull my ad off CollarMe, not to mention OKCupid, and plan our weekends together. But I’m trying not to rush too much. Mostly, because he is not rushing to much. I want to be fun for him, not an additional responsibility. But mostly, I want to kneel at his feet and have him claim me.

I'd be Unearned Intimacy

Really interesting article in the New York Times today about a woman reading an ex's blogs.

It was a familiarity that came without conversation, a tenderness that lacked back and forth, an intimacy that was unearned.

One of my friends has started a blog, and I feel obligated to read it. But I also am honored to read it. She writes with honesty and insight about the good and the bad things in her life. I feel like I'm getting to know her better than I have in a while, even though we haven't been as close since she got married.

But I've never been willing to give her the name of my blog. She knows I have one (and is one of the only people that even knows, as I figure the best-kept secret is the one that no one knows exists). But I couldn't be as open if people I knew could read this. (And, even worse, if people I knew might or might not be reading it.)

I try to make sense of my life here. I love the idea of somebody reading it (I hope!), but the anonymity makes it so much safer. I'd be terrified if people I love (or people I don't love and have to work with) had that level of intimacy.

At the same time, I'm realizing I do want more intimacy in my life. But I want earned intimacy, with conversation and back and forth. I don't know how to bridge this all-or-nothing intimacy, but I'm working on it.

Male approval

I did a very touchy-feely growth thing this week. It's odd--I express vulnerability on this blog (or at least I think I do). But it is so far different from the rest of my life. And in the rest of my life, I'm very facts oriented. I avoid 'processing' emotions. In a way, the workshop was about trying to allow my blogger self off of the screen, just an eensy, weensy, teensy bit.

Anyway, one of the staff, let’s call him, well here's something really weird.

Let's call him Nathan. And I've never dated a Nathan. But when I was with "David" last month, I accidentally called "David" Nathan when we were in bed. Twice. And "David" asked me who Nathan was, and I said I didn't know. I hadn't known a Nathan since high school. How weird is that?

Anyway, Nathan and I really clicked. When I started crying hysterically, he just held me for what seemed like an hour. (He asked me how old I was, and when I asked him what he thought I was, he said 26, which totally made my day!)

I’m aware of how important Nathan's approval was to me. His clear love and support was lovely, but the fact that he also told me what I was doing that alienated him (or was ‘wrong’--usually too many facts and background data and tangents in a conversation) and was so proud of me for growing and expressing vulnerability (or learning to be ‘right’) was so deeply important to me.

It isn’t that different from wanting my dad’s approval. Or wanting the approval of any man with whom I’m in a relationship. What’s the difference between “good girl” during S&M and “I’m proud of you” when I’m doing something emotionally difficult or career or whatever? It is all about male approval for me.

In fact, there were times the workshop felt like really good quality S&M. He pushed me to explore the emotional issues I generally try to avoid, and then he held me when I cried and was deeply supportive.

I should say a) this wasn’t therapy but a touchy-feely workshop and b) he never made any pass of any kind at me. His daughter is 26, so I think when he said he thought I was 26, he was very, very clearly putting me in the same age bracket as his daughter. He was quite protective of me. And he also seemed quite clear that a) I was capable of work at the highest level and b) he expected me to drop the bullshit, irony and intellectual smokescreen and do the emotional work I came to do, but was scared to do. And I did go into a lot of shit I usually try to avoid, and that was why I went, but I don’t know if I would have gone nearly as deep if I wasn’t wanting his approval.

My workshop helped on several issues, but there is definitely still that issue of approval, and I don’t know what the hell to do about it. It seems like the desire for male approval is insatiable and overwhelming. And it seems like something I really feel like I should be able to move beyond. And I haven’t a clue how.

(And, oh, yeah, in case it isn't obvious, I totally got a crush on Nathan. Intellectually, I'm sure people would call it 'transference.' And I will never do anything about it (because I'm sure Nathan would blow me off if I did, as well he should, it wasn't therapy, but I was his student and we had an intense emotional bond, blah, blah, blah). And if Nathan didn't blow me off, which he would, I'd probably question his judgement. But yeah, crush time.)