MaxEarnest and I broke up about a year ago and I started dating Tony seriously. (It was actually last week, but since it was right after Thanksgiving, it feels like this week, since Thanksgiving is so late this year.)
It has been a hard year. A year also where I feel like I made a lot of mistakes, but didn't learn lessons from them. I miss MaxEarnest all the fucking time, and I know we couldn't have found a way for us each to get what we needed from the other--our lives were just too incompatible. Tony was a disaster, but it took months before I started to see that. He had on good behaviour for a bit. Philip was likewise a disaster, and it also took time before I saw that. I seem to be having a dating slump, in part, perhaps, because I'm stretched so thin, I don't really have time for much. (I'm working much too hard right now, and I also took on a volunteer gig that I thought would be a few hours a week and is, in fact, more like 15 hours. I'm really exhausted, all the time right now.)
I feel more isolated than I have in 8 years. I miss Dotty terribly. I had a big fight with one of my oldest friends in March and we have never repaired that. I started playing a stupid on-line video game and realize it has become my primary social outlet, other than work.
I have been able to break a bad pattern this year. Typically, when things happen to me that I don't think are right, I feel like no one ever stands up for me. In two difficult situations this year, people stood up for me!
Also, my dad did something hurtful this year and for the first time, he really, really, really understood why I was upset. He got it, and I feel like he respects my feelings in a way I haven't felt before.
I'm also learning to stand up for myself a little more. There's a kinky guy from CM who keeps wanting me to agree I'll come over to his place and we'll have kinky sex, and I've been very clear about my limits. I haven't gone along with what he wants, that wouldn't be good for me.
But that's about it for learning or growing from things. I'm tired and lonely and sad. Not exactly a great thing to blog about. I wish I could have some revelation to make things interesting. I'm beginning to think I'm hitting middle age...
