I was talking with a sweet friend of mine who is turning 40 this year. She is part of a fairly conservative Christian church and facing that she will probably not be a mom. She would like to adopt but doesn't think her church would approve. She has been out with a string of men that just left her very sad and we were talking about how men don't think they need to improve themselves--they think they are just fine the way they are.
I took the bus today and there were 3 guys taking up 2 seats each. Actually, one of them was really taking up 3 seats. There was about a dozen of us standing (mostly women actually). It was so bizarre, and yet so common-place.
And then I went on OKCupid and this guy I've never spoken to starts to IM and I im back, but casually. I don't drop what I'm doing. It becomes pretty clear he has a foot fetish. I'm fine with that, but it isn't like having a foot fetish means he is my prince charming--I want to know if he is actually prince charming. I don't have a foot fetish, but I could certainly accommodate it, but there's a hell of a lot of other stuff going on before I'm interested in someone. And then he gets really condescending and tells me how sad he is for me that I'm so frigid and I don't know what I like and how can I be 42 and not be in touch with my sexuality. A lot of guys do that--they think if they insult you, somehow you will be sexual on command for them (on an IM with a stranger!) I called him on his BS and he denied it all and told me how uncommunicative I was and that he was sad for me because "you are withdrawn and so set in your ways and closed off and not in touch with your own sensuality."
It was quite interesting because it was SO not true of me that I literally laughed out loud, but if he had been 80% wrong, instead of 100% wrong, it would have made me really insecure.
And it made me aware of how much of my life is defined by male privilege. I don't think most of the men my age (who are single) are as wise, kind or self-developed as the women. Just as a simple beginning, women read Oprah and men read Maxim. There is no current in our culture telling men how to become better the way there is for women. The result is that my female friends are absolutely dynamite and most of the men I meet, well, frankly, they bore me. The guy today wanted me to be "fun." And I would so much rather find joy than fun.
The Mirena has really changed my dynamic by not making me as constantly needy and hungry. I'm definitely not controlled by my libido the way I was without it. And, as weird as it sounds, if I did meet someone who was a sex-every-day kind of guy, I would probably have it taken out. (How's that for a conversation: "I like you--let's get rid of my birth control?!" Yeah--that wouldn't scare a sane guy off.) But I can see myself holding men to a much higher standard and also noticing their games much more quickly. And I seem to have no tolerance for the constant current of male entitlement that runs through almost everything!
