Martin said something wise back whenever: "the givers have to stop giving because the takers won't stop taking."
I think this is a really big issue for me, and I don't really know how to stop. I was listening to the Invisibilia episode on Entanglement, and I feel like the "mirror touch synesthesia" is probably a spectrum and I have about 10% of it. When people are upset, I feel it--especially anger.
I'm pretty good about not feeling for people that I don't care about. (Although, interestingly, on Christmas my dad and I had to run to the store for a couple of things and I gave $5 to a homeless man, and I was embarrassed my dad saw--like somehow it was a personality failing--usually I give to organizations--so I was actually a bit ashamed to do an act of charity on a day supposedly commemorating that. I'm sure my dad is right and he used it for booze or weed, but I have so much and he seemed to have very little.) But this woman has been staying with me since November (and she is leaving today--glory! Hallelujah!) and it has been an interesting way to exam how and why I overreact and then give too much.
I'm pretty good about not feeling for people that I don't care about. (Although, interestingly, on Christmas my dad and I had to run to the store for a couple of things and I gave $5 to a homeless man, and I was embarrassed my dad saw--like somehow it was a personality failing--usually I give to organizations--so I was actually a bit ashamed to do an act of charity on a day supposedly commemorating that. I'm sure my dad is right and he used it for booze or weed, but I have so much and he seemed to have very little.) But this woman has been staying with me since November (and she is leaving today--glory! Hallelujah!) and it has been an interesting way to exam how and why I overreact and then give too much.
She has been incredibly unhappy since the day she arrived (and I was doing her a favor!) and I thought it was me. I kept thinking if I just did one more thing, she would be content. I have a tendency towards less tidiness than I should. For the most part, I keep the main areas of the house presentable, but during the week, things get a little more hectic and then I tidy every weekend. I have been trying to keep things in better shape since work got stable, but no one would call me tidy. This person, will call her Michelle (and I will never mention her after today) was furious all the time. She'd go in the kitchen and I would been slow-cooking and she would slam a pot since no all 4 elements were clear. A lot of slamming doors, loud martyrly sighs,and stomping around. And I kept trying to please her and she kept sucking more and more.
At a certain point I stopped being emotionally engaged with her. I still tried to do what I thought she wanted a little, but I stopped caring. I tried to be friendly, but I did not want to be friends. This last week she has had multiple meltdowns that had NOTHING to do with me. She actually yelled at me because she didn't like her hairdresser at an incredibly expensive salon. She was angry in my direction about the post office and a couple of other things that were just not my fault.
Interestingly, Martin's words buzzed in my ears and I started to set some limits. We both had to be out on Bainbridge Island and I said I had some work to do and went to a coffee shop just so I wouldn't have to ride back with her. I didn't actually have much work to do--I just wanted to not be around her wall of anger from her. If I hadn't given up on having any kind of relationship with her, I would have tried to make it better. It was pretty clear she saw through my bullshit excuse and just attacked me; as she went from being passive aggressive to just being aggressive-aggressive, I realized how much I fear letting other people down. But I need to sometimes. She wanted all my emotional energy all of the time. She would never stop taking, so I stopped giving.
I fear other people's anger. I really, really hate it when people lose their composure and even when I know it isn't about me, it is really hard to detach. If' I'm dating a guy and he yells at me, I will immediately burst into tears and then do whatever I can possibly think of to make him not angry. And I assume it is me who has made him angry and I assume I can make it better. On some level, I realize that is hubris, but on another level, I feel this quite deeply.
At a certain point I stopped being emotionally engaged with her. I still tried to do what I thought she wanted a little, but I stopped caring. I tried to be friendly, but I did not want to be friends. This last week she has had multiple meltdowns that had NOTHING to do with me. She actually yelled at me because she didn't like her hairdresser at an incredibly expensive salon. She was angry in my direction about the post office and a couple of other things that were just not my fault.
Interestingly, Martin's words buzzed in my ears and I started to set some limits. We both had to be out on Bainbridge Island and I said I had some work to do and went to a coffee shop just so I wouldn't have to ride back with her. I didn't actually have much work to do--I just wanted to not be around her wall of anger from her. If I hadn't given up on having any kind of relationship with her, I would have tried to make it better. It was pretty clear she saw through my bullshit excuse and just attacked me; as she went from being passive aggressive to just being aggressive-aggressive, I realized how much I fear letting other people down. But I need to sometimes. She wanted all my emotional energy all of the time. She would never stop taking, so I stopped giving.
I fear other people's anger. I really, really hate it when people lose their composure and even when I know it isn't about me, it is really hard to detach. If' I'm dating a guy and he yells at me, I will immediately burst into tears and then do whatever I can possibly think of to make him not angry. And I assume it is me who has made him angry and I assume I can make it better. On some level, I realize that is hubris, but on another level, I feel this quite deeply.
