Risking Everything

Another spectacularly beauitful day with John. And he continues to say the only things that could keep me around. He's started trying to meet my friends. Willingly spend time with them. And me, being a girl, well, I read into things.

And yet, is it reading into things when says "you're the only person I go out on dates with" and "I'd have to blind not to see potential here" and "you've urged me to be less cautious. Trust me--you do not want me to treat you the way I've treated people I'm not cautious with."

We actually talked about what happened when we met, almost a year and a half ago. I said something along the lines of 'I wish I could have been different then--needed less reassurance.' And we talked about how I was where I was and some of the things he said, he didn't mean the way I took then. And he totally doesn't blame me, even if he did a year and a half ago, saying both "you were so wounded" and "you couldn't have known enough to trust me."


John has this really weird thing that he is such a sweet man who delights in the occasional evil plan, but he never talks about the kindness. So the John I experience is always slightly at odds with how John talks about himself.

Anyway, I like to think that if we'd gotten involved then, we would have been a spectacular failure because of where we both were, because that was the only time he's called me his girlfriend.

But he said something, I don't remember the exact phrase (I remember a mass of things, but nothing distinctly) that basically the only thing that has changed about his feeling for me since then is that he knows how marvelous I am and that he is more cautious with me. Nothing else has changed.