Daddy's Girl

There's this huge shift happening under my feet. I'm still dad's girl, but now, I'm the grown up. I'm the one deciding where to go for treatment, and since one of the top 6 cancer centers is miles from me, he's moving in with me. And I'm buying stuff he needs--I'm helping financially support my parents for the first time in my life.

My parents came to me yesterday and asked me to be the sort of mastermind behind this--plan everything, keep track of everything. I'm talking with the doctors, making appointments, keeping track of what we need. We now have project manager software on-line with to-do lists for everyone. I brainstorm stuff that would be useful, so everyone has something they can do when they want it so they are contributing when they need something to fill the void.

I'm scared. Really scared. And I'm totally hiding it.

The only information I can find on prognosis says 40%, but that was published in 1992, so I know things have to have gotten much better since then. Elizabeth Edwards. Elizabeth Edwards. Elizabeth Edwards, I keep telling myself and my parents. I didn't even tell my parents the 40% number until someone else did. 17 year old data, based on 27 years old medical procedures (10 year survival rates) doesn't feel relevant. But I was glad someone else did, because they were just going to go to their home-town place which doesn't even have someone who knows this stuff.

And here's the trivial thing. I'm sposed to have a date tonight. I haven't cancelled. There's nothing I can do in that three-hour chunk. Why now? But, what do I do? Do I tell him and fall into one of the "what not to do"s on the list of things gals shouldn't do? Do I not tell him, and basically, in my opinion, lie? I like this guy--the first one I've liked in a while (aside from the +15 who was just too old for me), but the timing is off.

Am I saying the timing is off because I don't want to let John go completely? I still miss John. As crazy as that is. Or am I sabotaging this because I like emotionally unavailable men? I mean, the timing really seems off. But I'll probably go, and be open, and see how he responds. Can't say, "my dad is moving in with me for the summer for chemo and surgery" is a great pick-up line. My gut feeling is that, all things considered, someone would want to get to know me before I drop that little bombshell. I value openness and authenticity, but I think it can be too much, too soon. But this is such a huge part of my mental landscape at the moment that to not share would be, in essence, to lie.