Whiskey Sours

Everyone says "make lemonade."  But who actually makes lemonade?  When I'm given Meyer lemons, I make whiskey sours (with Stevia, instead of simple syrup).

The simple fact of the matter is that MaxEarnest and I do not have lives that are compatible with each other. We love each other.  I love him so much.  He is so protective of me.  I feel safe with him and just totally accepted.  I could move to Europe, but he doesn't want kids, and I can't see giving that up.

He could be a life partner, but our lives are not compatible. I'm a city girl and I live a fairly fast-paced life, and, honestly, I love blue-state America.  He is much happier sitting on his balcony overlooking the countryside, nursing a drink as the sunsets 9 hours before me.  I live between the present and the future, and he enjoys the present. There is that little body of water, the Atlantic.  But the family issue is the one that can't be worked through.

So MaxEarnest and I will be lovers rather than partners.

I've never seen myself having an open relationship.  I have no idea what will happen.  I haven't gone on any dating web sites.  I love him.  I want it to work with him.  But I know that we both want the other to be happy.  We're getting together at Christmas for a couple of weeks, and then, who knows what will happen after that?  I can get some blocks of time off work and we'll see.  I'm sure that we will stay in each other's lives, one way or another.  Maybe it will just be loving letters in 5 years when we both have other partners.  Maybe we'll see each other for 3 or 4 months total for the rest of our lives.  I really don't know.  This is new ground for me.

Part of me feels like it is unfair, but part of me feels like how lucky that we found each other, even if we can't have a more traditional happy ending.  

But I'm definitely doing what my head says is right here.  My heart wants to hold on, as hard as I can.

Today in Amsterdam ...

Today I don't feel as ugly as I did. ... In high school gym showers I crouched in shame like Adam in the garden, but this morning in Amsterdam I was ten foot tall on a movie screen staring down at myself in the back row. ... Today in Amsterdam they taught me how to wear my body. Today in Amsterdam I learned that even if it's ugly, man, you gotta wear it like a gown.  (Passing Strange)

Today with MaxEarnest I went swimming in a river without shame. I saw women my size (and larger) in bikinis enjoying themselves and MaxEarnest kissed me and I felt such joy.  We kissed and kissed and kissed in the water, as he held me and I floated weightless.

Today with MaxEarnest I biked, in my swimsuit because I wasn't ashamed.  Later,  he asked if I wanted ice-cream, I said yes, and enjoyed it so much more, without shame.

What is it about MaxEarnest and Europe that has released me from so much shame?  I feel whole. Lovable. Complete.  Today with MaxEarnest.