My life has gotten smaller. Since I got back from Europe, I have lived almost entirely at home or work. I've been OK with that, but lately I've been getting restless. For some reason, tonight, I'm fighting off a panic attack. Well, truth be told, I've been panicky and restless since the first debate, but tonight it is worse than just election fears, and so I blog.
Maxearnest and I said we could see other people, but I haven't even turned my profile on CM back on. And, honestly, I don't know if I want to. I did go on the site. But once I went on, all I wanted was to see if Maxearnest had turned on his profile, and he hadn't. And I felt icky there. A pop-up sex ad came on, which nearly crashed my computer and when I realized why, I was annoyed. I didn't want to see that, and given that it made all these other things crash on my computer, I was annoyed.
But, honestly, I don't know if I'm actually submissive in the kink way. I'm absolutely submissive sexually, but Maxearnest punished me once over the summer and it was kind of disastrous. I just numbed out while it was happening and then cried and cried and cried. There was a point where, I think, neither of us knew how we'd find our way through it. Maxearnest stuck with me, even when it seemed really hopeless, and somehow we found our way back. But it was hard. I can't imagine giving someone else permission to punish me. I'm not strong enough to be punished and still find kink erotic. I want to please, to be a good girl, not disappoint. And if I can't accept punishment, maybe I'm not really submissive. And I certainly don't know how I'd negotiate a kinky relationship with someone else. I know Maxearnest wants the right to punish me, but I don't think he would do it right now. Or if he did, he'd be very careful. (And, it should be said, I do my best to never give him any reason to. I'm pretty damn obedient on the sexual realm.)
I would, however, like to read 50 Shades of Grey, and I can now. But somehow, knowing that MaxEarnest doesn't like me thinking about other people when I get off, even fiction, makes me much less interested in it. I almost went to Barnes and Noble (not the sort of thing you'd want to buy from strangers off the internet), but, somehow, it felt like it would be a wall between MaxEarnest and I. And acknowledgement of the end.
And so, my life has just gotten much smaller. Part of that is that I haven't been well. Nothing serious, but minor thing after minor thing. And, honestly, MaxEarnest came into my life just as Dotty left. So I haven't figured out what a life without either looks like, even though there's a continent between Dotty and me and an ocean between MaxEarnest and me. There's a reason that 'Oceans apart' is a metaphor. Part of me thought of joining eharmony, but I don't know how to date in the vanilla world. I get bored with most people and eharmony seems worse than most. Part of me imagines what life would be like in Europe, but I don't see how that is a viable option. I did go out for dinner a couple of weeks ago with some female friends and the bouncer at the door asked to see my ID and my friends said he wasn't carding me, he was flirting with me, and I was shocked! It was sweet to think that, but it just surprised me. But even if I wanted to have coffee, I don't know how, knowing I'm seeing Maxearnest in December. It makes it all very weird. I seem to be in this liminal space, and not in a good way. I'm feeling panicky today, which I haven't for a while. I can't figure out why I'm panicky, but I think I have to figure out how to enlarge my life a little bit. And I don't know where to begin.
Somehow, when I'm writing, the panic subsides, but when I go to something else, the panic returns. It is too late in the day to talk to MaxEarnest and I've allowed my life to be too centered around him. I can't go to bed at 5:30. But I have to remind myself of that fact, because I want to. Maybe I should re-read Pride and Prejudice, wait for Downton Abbey to be uploaded tomorrow afternoon and dream of simpler times with less choices.
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