Thin Skin

Life is sort of unerotic right now.  Philip disappeared and I let him go.  I'm pretty sure I could have easily gotten him to string me along for a few more months.  I think he liked me, but that isn't enough.  But the truth is, on our third date, back in May, he and I had a very kinky night in a bar (with our clothes on, but it was a lovely domination as he asked questions to find out more about me) and it reoriented my sense of eroticism and it is always hard to get that back.  Once I click on a guy, even orgasms on my own are much more boring and it takes time to unclick.  I'm totally emotionally open to meeting someone else now, but I haven't found my sense of sex for a bit.

But the rest of my life is kicking my butt; one of my jobs--a little one (should be 10 hours a month but has turned into 10 hours a week) is getting really abusive.  A woman on the project yells and bullies me in ways that I just cannot handle and I'm having such flashbacks to being bullied growing up.  It seems to be a xanax night most nights I have to deal with her.  I cannot believe how she is behaving.  She is insane (wants to fire a contractor because he is killing the trees--and her only proof is that we're losing a lot of leaves.  In October. In fact, he's such a bad contractors that trees all over the northern hemisphere are losing leaves and some people call this time of year "fall").  So I am standing up for people that she would like to fire so she yells at me.  And I fake it while she's yelling and then have obsessive crying fits until the xanax works.  Not the way I want to live.

I know that "normal" people would get so hysterical from someone yelling at them, but I have such thin skin. I don't know if I can ever get over the bullying I faced as a child.  The team leader on this project made it clear that if we're being productive he doesn't mind if I'm getting yelled at--what is the big deal (crazy lady yells at me and not at him).  So I don't know what to do.

It seems unfair that the only parts of me that are thin are my skin and hair.  But there it is!