Rejection and Confusion

Well, The Man That Smote Me, dumped me. Not that it can, intellectually really be a dump. Two dates, some intense phone calls. Nothing more.

And yet, it shattered part of me.

On some level, it hurt me more badly than breaking up with my live in lover. The second was more of a pain, but I knew he never saw the real me. It was part of the reason we broke up.

This is the only man I ever let see me. Every other man I've ever been with only saw the girl I try to pretend to be. The socially acceptable, not too intense, girl who plays games and giggles. This man saw the woman I really am. I sang for him. I was more in touch with joy and love than I've ever been with anyone. He looked into my eyes for about 10 minutes at dinner the second day, and I didn't look away once. Afterwards he said "well, that was better than half the sex I've had in my life." He stared into my soul, saw me at my very best, as I've never been for anyone else, and he said 'ehhy~~I can do without--thanks.'

I realized several things:
I have a much more beautiful energy than I've ever let anyone see. There is a power there I need to get in touch with.

But that famous Marianne Williamson quote that everyone thinks is by Nelson Mandela (who is not dead, btw, Saddam didn't kill him), well that is wrong. It isn't that we are scared of our lightness. It is that we know how fragile it is. To have our purest light rejected is far scarier than having our social mask rejected. Having someone brush off who we pretend to be--we can handle that. Having someone reject who we yearn to be, our soul, rather than just our social mask, that hurts to the core.

I want to find a way to get in touch with the energy he inspired, and I'm terrified. I don't know how I could be that vulnerable and risk that level of rejection. And yet, I must, because it is the only way I can possibly meet a soul mate.