Addicted to Dating?

There is an energy going on in my life right now that I don't like to admit. I seem to be slightly addicted to the attention I'm getting from men. I was at a vanilla party tonight and several guys flirted with me. (Cute, professional, sweet guys!) I doubt I'd go out with a vanilla guy because 'that conversation' is just way too overwhelming to me. But I am addicted to men's attention and approval, even when I'm not interested in them.

It isn't addicted in an extreme sense of the word--I'm not going to have a 'girls-gone-wild' moment. But there is a strong sense that I need that attention. I like the fact that I seem to always have at least one man who is interested in me, and I miss him (whoever "he" is at any given moment) when he isn't there. But, truth to tell, since John they've all been rather interchangeable.

Steven didn't e-mail me from 12:59 pm yesterday until 6:32 pm today. Why that is 29 hours! Intellectually, I think 'well, he has a life. Duh, and good for him.' I wouldn't want someone with no life, but, well, I missed him. I missed the validation as well as the terrific conversations we've been having. And, when I saw he'd been on the CollarMe, where we met, twice today without e-mailing me, I started to get rather nervous about the entire thing, re-read e-mails to see if I'd said something wrong, replay phone conversations in my head. Really rather neurotic.

But Steven is the current in a long line of men that have been unable to truly capture me (and, truth to be told, several of them haven't been interested enough to capture me--I'm kindof high maintenance in my own unique way--I don't like fancy meals, but I want to know the depths of a man's soul, which means he doesn't only have to visited it, he has to communicate it!), and yet their energy is necessary to how I currently live my life. I wouldn't want to not have the attention because I thrive off of it. I was even glad that the ex tried, rather clumsily, to get me in bed last week.

I'm not sure if this is really unhealthy, or if it is a little healthy. The unhealthy side seems to be a need for energy that I can't fulfill myself. I'm relying on something I'm getting from others. I need external validation.

At the same time, we all live in various stages of relatedness. We need that relatedness. Maybe it is just healthy that I'm finally admitting I want to have connectedness with others. I am vulnerable and I'm comfortable with the fact that I'm not fully self sufficient.

Meanwhile, I'm having dinner with John tomorrow--and I'm rather nervous about that. I don't know how to be with him as a friend and not wish it could be more. How to not have it cut away at my self-esteem and confidence and just quietly erode my sense of self. I want to try. I value so much about him, but if I have to pick one of the two of us, I'll have to pick me. I think, ultimately, we could maybe be a 'let's-get-together-once-ever-couple-of-months' friends--but I can't have those searing, soul connected, intimate conversations I've had in the past. The fact that he didn't want me enough to persue me rings through our encounters and undercuts the joy.