June to September

So an older man is wooing me---17 years older. I have graciously blown off dozens of men that age, but this one is different.

Most of the older men attempt to seduce me with money. I've literally had men offer to pay my mortgage, or hints of expensive meals, clothes, whatever. I'm not a call girl, and have no intention of being anyone's mistress, however graciously it is shaded. I have a 'sugar daddy' (who shares half my DNA), who paid for my undergrad tuition and helped me get grants for grad school. Having been already bought by daddy, I am so uninterested in being resold at a lower price, however good the loot is.

This man, let's call him Steven, came at me through my weakness--he actually started reading much of what I've written, responding, offering bits of himself and his own vulnerablity. The youth (what little I have left of it)-money tradeoff would never work. But youth for wisdom, for insight, for understanding, sharing, recognition and maybe some great sex thrown in down the road, that is a rather heady possiblity. Secretly, I sometimes sing "Someone to watch over me" in the shower. And "The Man I Love." "I'm a little lamb whose lost in the wood. I know I could, always be good, to one who'll watch over me."

Of course it is all internet right now. He has a ton of office parties, as do I, but I'd gladly make time to grab a drink--he wants to wait till January, which I don't like. Again, it is those searing internet conversations that dabble around hopes, vulnerabilities, fears and wishes. We haven't had the level of vulnerability that John and I shared, but John wasn't as wise, and didn't guide the process. (John will be amazing when he's Steven's age--wow! I hope I can find a way to have him in my life in a way that is healthy and not just numbing me out and making me feel rejected. Doubtful, but more likely if I meet someone else, and I'm willing to try.) I don't know how many times I can bare my soul to a stranger, have it not work, pick up the pieces and not try to armor myself more effectively for the future. And, of course, that armor is what makes me unattractive. But the process of going forth without it terrifies me.

My biggest fear about the age thing is that I would really love to find someone to grow old with. I can't imagine that any man would be interested in me when I'm in my 60s. I don't want to start over then. And yet, I know that is an unknown. I may die before then. If Steven can match me, maybe even guide me, it might be worth risking. Who knows who I might become with someone to watch over me?