Art at Recess

I managed to escape to NYC for the long weekend, and saw the amazing Sunday in the Park with George again. I'm surprised they can allow it in public; the third song is the most erotic thing I've ever heard, even though it is ostensibly about "Color and Light." I kept snapping a rubber band against my wrist. The song is pure sex.

I've decided to write a romance novel. Not decided. Just had a flash that I was supposed to do it, and how the characters would meet. I've started, and it is fun! I'm a little embarrassed. I have a rather 'high brow' view of myself, that is probably silly. But I'm really enjoying the writing, and it has been a long time since I've been excited by a project. It is SO much fun! I'm actually using writing as a reward--had to get a proposal finished for work and I said "OK, finish this much, and then you can go back to your book." I'm really excited by it!

I know the guy character isn't as well developed--I need to work on that. I have some sympathetic bits at the beginning for him, but he isn't fully fleshed out, but I think, given that I've been working on this for 4 days now, it is pretty good! And hell, if I sell the book, then all my dating expenses for the last 3 years will be tax deductible! ;)

I want to explore the issues I've been exploring in a format that will appeal to more people. The novel isn't really S/m related--I want to make it broader and avoid the 'ick' and gawking factors. But I think a lot of the issues I've been exploring are much more universal than just for kinky folks.

The funny thing is, I don't think of myself as a 'fiction' person. I wrote one short story, long ago, when I was first coming to terms with wiitwd. But I've always thought I didn't have a creative bone in my body. But this is falling together. And I think it is good!

I'm sure I'll check back in from time to time, but I don't intend to post regularly at right now. I can really only have one writing project at a time. When I work on this regularly, I think about what I'm going to write when I go walking and other times when my mind is free. My nameless novel needs that energy now. There is some Japanese word for abandoned blogs, but I couldn't find it.

But I thank you for reading. It has been fun writing this thing. And, of course, I wish you all the best!
lc

Statsis

I almost went out with the Republican again. I knew it was a bad idea the whole time, but he got under my skin. Then he asked how something made me feel, and I told him and he got all pissy and said "I had a lot to think about, and think about it and text message me tomorrow" and that was just too much for me. If he didn't want to know how I felt, he shouldn't have asked. So I canceled, but it amazes me how hard it was to do that.

But, The Ethicist in The New York Times' Sunday Magazine for tomorrow confirmed what I felt (and I was no where near 'rage'--fear and concern were more like it):

A lover’s feelings, even rage, ought not be so crudely suppressed. Quite the contrary, intimate partners should be free to reveal themselves, to be known and understood. ... If you are to cultivate a close connection to another person, you should not promote a plan that discourages her from confiding her feelings or from disclosing herself.

Even as I intellectually demand that for myself, I don't emotionally buy it. Emotionally, I feel like I'm too much work, too much angst. And yet, I could never be in a relationship where I didn't feel comfortable, no, more, encouraged, to express my feelings. (And I express my feelings pretty well!)

A couple of other interesting things:

I was embarrassed to blog that I was going out with the Republican again, on the off chance that either John or Steven read this. I don't want them to know my weaknesses. That affects the whole energy of the blog. Maybe I should cancel this one and start something under another name, or give this up all together. I'm leaning towards the latter. Having an active blog is different than having once had a blog that you deleted, and I feel like if I'm going to give the vanilla guy (or guys) a real shot, I need to actually do that.

I think Steven read a posting I wrote long ago, on a message board, about loving to have a man seduce me out of my clothes. I'm, not sure, but I had a flash that that was why he did. Which was one of the most lovely, loving things anyone has ever done for me. He's the only man that's ever really cared what I wanted.

I don't seem to to do well with dates on Saturday nights that involve me getting more naked. John, Steven and the Republican all fell apart on that. (For some reason, I seem to do well with dates on Monday nights--but that is a low-key night--very different expectations.) In part, I think that, with the exception of Steven, it was too fast for me. But also because I don't like to work that way. I'd rather have an evening and see where it unfolds. For me to say "I'll do x, y & z," when those are difficult things and the whole relationship is hurtling along too fast for my comfort, well, that changes the energy. I want to be seduced, not depositioned and committed. But in all instances, if the man hadn't done the honorable thing, which is setting what are expectations are beforehand, so I won't have regrets and having good communication, it would have been much easier for me, and I, in all honesty, would have gone where he led. It doesn't say much for my feminism. Sex can't always be put in neat little labels.

So, I spose I'm in holding mode. There are a couple of sweet vanilla men out there. I think I need to spend more time there. But I ache to surrender.

Staying Focused

Here I stand, head in hand, turn my face to the wall.

The vanilla man, lets call him Luke, is out of town for work. And, of course, given that we've only been out once, I should chill. But I'm restless. If the Republican called, willing to concede my concerns, I would be interested, even though I intellectually know it would be a poor match. But I'm hungry. I've been hungry for SO long. I don't act on it, but it is hard to always deny what I want. I do believe I can't do casual. I just think it is wrong, morally, for me. (Not for others, but it is for me, and I would pay for it.)

No where people stare. No one laughs at me.

Because no one sees me.

I'm also really questioning if I want to be in the D/s right now. That is a difficult issue for me--I know I will crave the D/s if I end up in a relationship with out it. I crave it now. Frankly, I need to be spanked. I need to have someone grab my hair and pull it back and devour my neck. My bones ache.

And yet. I always try.

Unless the tone is right, it feels really, really wrong to me. I don't want to say 'abusive' because I have consented to everything that has happened to me, and it isn't fair to use a word like that when there is consent. It just isn't. But it feels that way to me. The Republican made it clear that I have not-so-deep fears and trepidations from being hurt when it wasn't healthy for me.

You've got to hid your love away.

Luke hasn't seem a glimpse of my private girl, and until he does, I won't fall for him. I need to see how I'm comfortable, if I can be comfortable, letting her out to play. I don't even know if she can exist in a vanilla light. Steven commented that he could only love me once he met her, and I believe that is true for many men. Although she isn't nearly as bright as the public woman. Both the Republican and John had very negative reactions to her. Or maybe John had negative reactions to the public woman's attempt to protect her. Yes, that is more it--John, more than anyone I ever knew, was willing to embrace my raw vulnerability and say 'Yes. I've been there too." And I love him for that. Part of me still wishes I was enough of a masochist to match him in that realm. But I'm just not.

And so, truth be told, I log into MS Messenger and change my status from "Appear Offline" to "Online." And truth be told, I'm sort of hoping the Republican, or one of the other men that I know it wouldn't work with, that they'd e-mail or IM me. The girl yearns to be recognized, acknowledged, embraced. And everyone who has ever seen her has a little bit of power over her. And the girl has only ever had that happen in the D/s context. I hope to find a way to let her out in another context, and if I could, I think that's all she needs. But she only comes out under very certain conditions. My hotmail account is basically dead. it associated only in that world and I've started to cut off the ties in that world. And I will have the discipline to not take any initiatives and see what happens with Luke, and a couple of other nilla men I'm currently talking with, but it is hard to tell her she needs to hide away until it is safe, and it will take a lot of time. She hasn't had much time in the sun. It is spring.

Why should she hide her love away? Someday she will win. Someday he will see me, laugh with me and he will say: Love will find away. But for now...