Staying Focused

Here I stand, head in hand, turn my face to the wall.

The vanilla man, lets call him Luke, is out of town for work. And, of course, given that we've only been out once, I should chill. But I'm restless. If the Republican called, willing to concede my concerns, I would be interested, even though I intellectually know it would be a poor match. But I'm hungry. I've been hungry for SO long. I don't act on it, but it is hard to always deny what I want. I do believe I can't do casual. I just think it is wrong, morally, for me. (Not for others, but it is for me, and I would pay for it.)

No where people stare. No one laughs at me.

Because no one sees me.

I'm also really questioning if I want to be in the D/s right now. That is a difficult issue for me--I know I will crave the D/s if I end up in a relationship with out it. I crave it now. Frankly, I need to be spanked. I need to have someone grab my hair and pull it back and devour my neck. My bones ache.

And yet. I always try.

Unless the tone is right, it feels really, really wrong to me. I don't want to say 'abusive' because I have consented to everything that has happened to me, and it isn't fair to use a word like that when there is consent. It just isn't. But it feels that way to me. The Republican made it clear that I have not-so-deep fears and trepidations from being hurt when it wasn't healthy for me.

You've got to hid your love away.

Luke hasn't seem a glimpse of my private girl, and until he does, I won't fall for him. I need to see how I'm comfortable, if I can be comfortable, letting her out to play. I don't even know if she can exist in a vanilla light. Steven commented that he could only love me once he met her, and I believe that is true for many men. Although she isn't nearly as bright as the public woman. Both the Republican and John had very negative reactions to her. Or maybe John had negative reactions to the public woman's attempt to protect her. Yes, that is more it--John, more than anyone I ever knew, was willing to embrace my raw vulnerability and say 'Yes. I've been there too." And I love him for that. Part of me still wishes I was enough of a masochist to match him in that realm. But I'm just not.

And so, truth be told, I log into MS Messenger and change my status from "Appear Offline" to "Online." And truth be told, I'm sort of hoping the Republican, or one of the other men that I know it wouldn't work with, that they'd e-mail or IM me. The girl yearns to be recognized, acknowledged, embraced. And everyone who has ever seen her has a little bit of power over her. And the girl has only ever had that happen in the D/s context. I hope to find a way to let her out in another context, and if I could, I think that's all she needs. But she only comes out under very certain conditions. My hotmail account is basically dead. it associated only in that world and I've started to cut off the ties in that world. And I will have the discipline to not take any initiatives and see what happens with Luke, and a couple of other nilla men I'm currently talking with, but it is hard to tell her she needs to hide away until it is safe, and it will take a lot of time. She hasn't had much time in the sun. It is spring.

Why should she hide her love away? Someday she will win. Someday he will see me, laugh with me and he will say: Love will find away. But for now...