High School

I just joined Facebook. I had to--my best friend's 11-year-old asked to be my "friend." How could I say no? Even if if her mother put her up to it (and I'm sure she did), I had to do it. I didn't want to do it, because it felt like it would be a time sucker, but I don't hate it. But the weird things is, almost none of my current friends are on facebook, but EVERYONE from my high school seems to be on it!

My friends now, for the most part, are very high achieving, single women in their thirties, pushing up to the 40s, but not quite there yet. In other words, people like me. Even my dad is impressed by the crowd I hang out with. But, I will always be someone who was a total dork in school. I have the mentality of an outcast. And I've made career compromises to live in the only city where I feel like I belong.

One of my high school friends is still my closest friend, so her marriage, kids, divorce, well her kid was why I got on Facebook, and it doesn't shock me. While I was a total dweeb in highschool, or worse, for some reason it is 'popular' kids that have been 'friending' me (maybe that's why they were popular? Or maybe because they were popular, they are totally comfortable going up to people they haven't seen for 20 years and asking to be their friend? Deep down, I think it is because I have a picture with a really cool celebrity--a total "A-list"--I don't think most of them would actually want to be "friends" with me, but we'll leave that aside for a moment.) Every single one is married with kids. And they look so old! So much older than me and my friends. I'm not sure if people in big cities take more care of themselves or because we don't have kids or if I'm deluding myself, or if is the gap between how I remember them and how they are now, but I swear they look so much older that I would have thought!

I got a new passport, and obviously the new photo is 10 years older than the old one. But I look better. My old one, I'm wearing a ton of makeup for and I tried to get as pretty a photo as possible (I've always been able to take the occasional good photo, and that's always been very important to my self-esteem). I had to cram this photo in while running errands. No make-up. I have a coat and scarf on. But I look much more comfy in my own skin, and more confident and more attractive. Aside from the blue squiggly lines on my face. Of course, it doesn't hurt that I'm thinner than I was in high school (not that that's saying anything--I was quite heavy in high school). So I certainly seem a cut above where I used to be.

But what's really interesting is that I'm more accomplished than the popular kids from my high school whom I have, to some extent, but proving myself to in abstentia. I realized at my 10th high school reunion (long, long, long ago--I didn't attend my 20th), that I had been trying to prove myself to these people, but I would have very little interest in being friends with most of them now. So how do I let go pushing myself, trying to prove myself? Instead of just enjoying who I am? Maybe if I accomplished what I want to be accomplishing instead of wasting time watching TV. Maybe it is easier to compare myself to others instead of comparing myself to whom I really want to become.