Replaying old patterns or making new ones?

So, I lied to John last night. For probably the first time, I think. He said I seemed "highstrung" and asked if anything was wrong, and I said basically no. I wasn't even aware of lying--more of making the saying the 'least bad' thing. When in fact, the truth is, but I didn't even realize it till I slept through the night, is I have no idea if he's flirting with me (I think he is--I really, truly think he is), or just wants to be platonic friends (there are other times I think he does). But I want to kiss him so badly, I ache when I'm with him. But every time I've tried to take too much of an initiative with him, I've fucked it up, so I'm trying really hard not to push anything. To just see where it goes. And I'm terrified.

He continues to delight me and drive me crazy. Intellectually, I'm terrified of falling into the Edwin trap. I have so much fun with him, so much. But I just don't know that I can be platonic friends with him and not put the rest of my life romantic on hold. I'm not seeing other people much because I keep comparing other men to him and no one can compare. And now I'm like "if they haven't truly captured my interest and moved beyond banalities in 5 e-mails or one date, it just wouldn't work." I should mention that John is the only man who ever had an ad as introspective, insightful and clear (and long) as my own, so we started with a level of depth and just went deeper and deeper and deeper. But now it seems like we're different on e-mail (much more flirty) than in person (more vanilla and platonic).

I just can't tell if he'd consider me as a romantic partner. He does things that make me think he might, but then he does things that scream "He's just not that into you!" Especially the fact that he hasn't tried to be romantically involved with me since I couldn't keep up with him a year ago. If he were interested, I expect he'd make a move. And he's said things that imply he doesn't want a relationship with me, or maybe not exactly--can't handle one right now. The kind of things men say when they don't want to be with a gal, but it seems like he's genuine. I'm not sure. I just don't know.

I crave clarity. I crave us sitting down and talking things through and if he doesn't want a romantic relationship, I need to know. I need to force myself to stop thinking about him that way and see other people. Or sleep with my ex again, or something. But I know that that M.O. has never seemed to work for us. So I'm continually biting my tongue so that I won't do it. I would do anything I could to give us a chance to work and if biting my tongue at my incessant desire for clarity and focus gives us a chance, then so be it. Maybe he is trying to decide if he'd want to be with me, and I need to let him have the time to make that decision.

I have so much fun with him. And I think he has that with me. I know he could get someone much cuter than me. I'm just not in his league when it comes to looks. But over and over he's implied that he thinks I'm attractive, and whatever the issue is, it isn't looks. Which is odd. And scary, because my looks are what I think of as most wrong with me. I'm used to being rejected for not being pretty enough. And then the fact that I'm too strong of a personality, too opinionated. But he seems to not mind that. And then the fact that I have this compulsive need to peel away the surface and find the meaty issues underlying the facade. But he does that too; we match each other there. Intellectually, I know this is irrational. But emotionally, I'm like "well, my three biggest flaws aren't an issue for him, and there's still something wrong with me--how the hell do I fix that."

We played chess last night, and it was interesting because I reverted to the middle school kid who quit playing chess because she wasn't smart enough and lost every single game. And the way I play chess is kind of the way I date. I assume there's something deeply wrong with me and I'm going to fuck up. So instead of trying to find a way to win at chess (or be genuine with a partner who could truly love me for who I am and who I'm striving to be instead of who I pretend to be), I look for the 'least bad' move. Not that dating is chess (I hope!) but I do seem to have this underlying "I'm stupid/ugly" mentality for the two. But John let me win at chess. ;)