Xanax and Lipstick

You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe
whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and
I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.

So all my life I've gone for the red pill. Where does it lead? While I rebelled against my father-the-shrink's required introspection, I've also explored as deeply as I could.

I was deteriorating kind of badly, and it was sort of scaring me to watch. I had enough rational side of my brain to know that this wasn't who I want to be, or frankly much relation to how I've known myself. I also noticed that as my mood started to mirror the assets of AIG, I started spending less time with my friends because I didn't want to be mean or bitchy or drive them away for later. One of my friends kept pushing me, and she meant it nice--she was like "there's no reason for you to be upset, it's not like you have MS or cancer" and I was SUCH a bitch to her. (I have apologized.)

I also have started wearing make-up all the time, and make-up has seemed to become a coping device. I don't particularly like make-up. I can feel it on when I wear it, but it keeps me from breaking down in public. I can't explain why, but I'm less vulnerable, less open. A clearly present talisman of the external persona I need to wear, and it works!

However, that was only working in public. One friend kept asking what was up, and how I was doing, and while she had no clue the full extent of it (I'll be wearing long sleeves for at least a week or so), but she picked up that things weren't good, and she came over and brought me half a Xanax. Oh my god. Wow! I cannot believe the difference it made! I slept beautifully and happily, and woke up and life is OK. And 24 hours later, life is OK. Some bad news at work today and that sucks, but it is OK. She drove over tonight to bring me another half (isn't that sweet--she didn't want me to be tempted to take too much, so she's just giving me half a one at a time)--it is SO sweet of her. I think I'm going to need a prescription for this. Or you can gt it over the counter in Brazil... It is like when your computer just won't work and nothing comes out right, and you restart it and it is OK. I'm going to be OK.

I had joked with a friend that John was heroine and I needed now to find methadone. I'd figured "methadone" would be someone I'd get involved with that might not be right, but would help me move on. Who knew it could be in the blue pill?