"You pick men that are emotionally unavailable"

Well, my friend cut off the xanax. I am so touched by the care she took for me, and what a difference it made! I took the last half that was for tonight (she was only giving me half a pill a day) and I cut it in half, so I've got a quarter for tonight and a quarter for tomorrow. But I can't sleep.

I've decided to do a group-therapy class sort of thing. At the screening for the group, the leader seemed quite perceptive and asking about relationships and why things didn't work with my ex and I sort of owned up to John, even though he doesn't count as a romantic relationship, I put romantic energy into it. Anyway, after going through the men I was involved with, as well as my dad issues, especially his statement that no man would ever love me if I didn't lose weight, she just said "well, you really pick men that are emotionally unavailable."

This surprised me on several levels, first of all because it is true. That is about the only thing my ex and John had in common--emotionally unavailable. John hid it really well because he had such introspection and was willing to share with a level of vulnerability. I mistook it for intimacy. It was intimacy for me, but for him, he never clicked with me. My ex didn't even pretend.

The second level is the first part of her statement: "You pick men." That is totally contrary to my story I tell myself, which is that I don't pick men. I go out with men who are interested in me, whoever they are. That, however, is patently false. If it were true, I would have had 10 dates with 20-23 year old boys who just watched a trailer for The Cougar. I used to go out with pretty much anyone, until I couldn't stand them. But that happened pretty quick.

Now I have some pretty clear standards--generally between 5 years younger than me to 10 years older than me. Exceptions will be made if someone surprises me, but I'm not dating someone young enough to be my son or old enough to be my dad.

Then there is chemistry. How much of that is set? How much can it be changed?

What I think I'm looking for is someone who is intellectually quick, with a broad-range of interests and a willingness to explore a little introspection at times. Someone who definitely reads the NY Times. It would be nice if he read the NY Review of Books, but let's be realistic. But, most men bore me. Frankly, my ex bored me once the 2006 elections were over. Is it that surprising that we got together during the 2008 elections and the last date we had was election night? Politics was the one area that we shared interest and curiosity. Without politics, he went to his poke and pot and I went to my novels and navel-gazing.

I'm also clear that I want someone who isn't too rigid. Vegans are automatically suspect in my world.

I'm pretty wary of people who, in my opinion, are abusing substances, whether it is too much booze, pot or something else. But then, I did enjoy drinking with John--the only person for whom that's ever been true.

Finally, there's one other issue: my yearning for surrender. Maybe I'm sending really mixed signals, in part because having reluctance overcome is SUCH a turn on, but the guy who is willing to take charge isn't picking up on my reluctance, so he overcomes it because he isn't aware of it, and the guy who does pick up on it isn't willing to take charge.

To me, there is still a strong element of coincidence here. I don't think I'm bored by people who are emotionally available. Maybe men who are emotionally available are less reliant on their intellect?

More likely, I do something that turns off men who are emotionally available. There is something about me that isn't engaging. It may be that my going to the intellectual discussion as a way to get know people is a turn-off to most men, or to men who are more emotionally available. Maybe they don't want intellectual conversation from someone they might want softer things from. I don't know.

Like sucks sometimes. Maybe I can figure this out, but mostly, I'm looking out over a vast sea of isolation. And that's with a quarter of a xanax.