Men and Beauty

I'm trying really hard to let go of my insecurities around my looks. I'm quite beautiful in some ways, but not in the way our society currently likes women.

I'm also trying to be aware that just because some men behave in certain ways, not all men do.

Yesterday was hard. First I got a massage from a self-described 'aging hippie' who would not shut up during my massage, and he was going through a divorce. According to him, his ex was a materialistic woman and 'what did she want with an aging hippie like me?' He was clearly frustrated with her focus on material possession and the dominant narrative for how to define worth, and I asked him what he wanted from her: "Well, she was sexy and beautiful." Grrrr! All his frustrations were defined by her as a woman falling into fairly stereotypical ways of measuring value, but he as a man was doing the exact same thing!

Then I get home and check my e-mail. I went out with this man twice, about 6 months ago. He blew me off after the 2nd date. I would have blown him off if he hadn't blown me off. He HATED a job that probably paid $10 an hour and didn't really have any plan for how to change his job or find a better job or make a change. He hated the area where we live, and pretty much hated his life. He was living here to be a 'good son' but was only waiting for his mother to die, so he could go back to Alaska, where life was good. A month ago he asked if I wanted to borrow a book of his and I didn't reply. Then last week he asked if I'd like to go out again. I said: "What's your thinking? You kind of disappeared after the last time we got together, and I know you want to move back to Alaska."

He replied:

I've been wondering about myself lately. I'm guessing you are blissfully ignorant of Seinfeld? One episode, he made the proclamation that 90% of the population was un-dateable. (How do the rest of us make out? Alcohol.)

Yeah, I'm not really happy here. I miss Alaska terribly. But the life I left is no longer there. I'm fairly committed to staying in the area as long as my mom does. So I have learn to make the most out of my time here.

I'm kind of caught in a huge Catch 22. I have neither a job nor a mate and that makes me depressed (not that I really need much excuse). That makes it that much harder to be 'up' when on an interview or a date. Last date said she didn't feel any spark (nor did I). But I'm wondering if I have a spark to give off.

And its also not good that, as I get older and learn more about myself, I don't necessarily like what I learn. Fer instance, I would like to believe that I can be attracted to someone's intellect and have that make up for any short comings, say, physically.

But sadly, that's not the case. As I said, its not really something I'm proud of. Its not something that I really know how to deal with. So, I ignore instead of dealing.

But I do like you for your intellect. I've kind of adopted one of your mannerisms--your singsong acknowledgement 'I see'. But it seems highly unlikely a romantic match is possible.

So, I was wondering if you would like to see each other as friends. Go to museums maybe bike ride but w/o any romantic intentions. I'd really like to have a friend like you.

Not particularly surprising, but I assume that what he meant is: "You have physical short-comings but I like your intellect. But that isn't enough to make you dateable. But spend time with me because I need a friend."

It really pissed me off. I sent 2 replies. One said: "I wish you the best and appreciate your honesty, but I'm not doing platonic friends here." And the other said (and I'm glad I sent it, an hour later--I was still pissed): "Telling a girl she has physical short comings, it really isn't kind. I only allow people to be friends who are kind to me."

So in the past, I'd let this man affect my sense of self and I would go back into yet another cycle of feeling insecure. I could list all his short-comings; but why? He is clearly stuck in his rather negative cycle. (He got fired since we left, probably because he hated his job so much.) And I wouldn't have been happy with him anyway.

John was so far and away a superior man to this man. And the ring on my finger reminds me that he thought I was pretty fucking extraordinary, lacking only in confidence. I refuse to let this twit pull me into a cycle of self-doubt.

I was kayaking yesterday, and I fell in the lake. And this man started laughing at me. Derisively and mockingly, pointing at me from the shore. And I ignored him, pulled my kayak on shore, flipped it over, drained it out and went to get a different kayak as he laughed the entire time. I started to walk over to him and I realized he was retarded. I'm guessing downs syndrome; I'm not sure. And I know he has probably been laughed at, and people have probably teased him. And he probably hated it. And I know, by my view of the world, I'm lucky to be me and not him. And I tried to have kindness for him. But he just kept laughing and pointing at me. I didn't know how to talk to him, without being condescending or angry. So I stayed silent. I'm tired of staying silent while men treat me badly. But I also know that it isn't all men. John would have challenged me to a jousting duel on kayaks and then fallen in the water before he pulled me back in. I want to be honest in my emotions, but being mad at men in general is neither fair, nor will not bring me greater joy.

Beyond Words

I was listening to Radio Lab on "Words" (which, by the way, is a fabulous show--highly recommend!--yes, I am an NPR nerd...) and they were talking with this woman who had a stroke. While she was in the middle of the stroke, she lost language, and it was blissful.

That is was S&M used to do for me. I'm so defined by language. I use words to navigate not just the physical world, but also my emotional world. They tell me how I'm feeling. I love the word 'liminal' because it was a way of defining that space in-betwixt and between. Before I had that word, I didn't know how to embrace that space. I fell in love with John based on our words.

Somehow, when I first started playing with wiitwd, it was magical. I remember going out with this man who kept dropping hints about kinky friends, but saying "of course, I'm not into that." Over, and over and over. And on our third date, I looked at him and said "Are you really as vanilla as you keep trying to reassure me..." And then he took me home and spanked me. And ran ice-cubes on my hot ass. It was magical. And I stopped thinking in words and started thinking in pictures. Which is so odd, if you think about it. Why not feelings instead of words? Where did the pictures come from? But all of a sudden it was pictures.

I've thought about trying to find someone kinky again, but it scares me. Scares the hell out of me. And then I remember that I met John on collarme. And the vanilla men, well, they bore me. Bored or scared, bored or scared, bored or scared.

I ache for the sublime. Not in the modern sense, in sense of the Romantics. Terror and awe at God's presence. I think the closest I've found, outside of wiitwd, is that moment on the Maid of the Mist ride at Niagara Falls. Exhilaration and totally alive to the present without words to define and demarcate and limit.

Amateur

I seem to be in a good space with dating as of late.

I went to a 'speed-dating' event last week, and 14 men were interested in me! (Actually perchance a few more--14 of the men I was interested in were interested in me.) And I was at the oldest age range, so most of these men were younger, I think. I went with a size 6 friend, and she got only 3 men responding to her. So clearly, size is not everything!

Then, on OK Cupid, there was this fabulous man, who has a 'red' (responds rarely) status. I rarely write men, and have never written a 'responds rarely' guy, but I loved his profile and we had quite a bit in common. (He also had several references to kinky literature in his profile.) Anyway, he wrote me back, and not just a 'hi' but several pages each time. (I expect that he responds selectively because he writes a great deal.) And then he stopped writing me back and I was so very sad and did exactly what I always do, which is to analyze everything I might have done wrong. But then 2 days later, another fabulous long e-mail (which an apology and an explanation).

Meanwhile, I really do like one of the men from the speed-dating, despite my suspicion that he is a decade younger than me. I'm not sure how to suss out his age without giving mine away. (I don't usually go to the speed dating events where I'll be on the older side, but they had a last-minute free promotion for gals since they had too many guys.)

So first of all--half the guys that I liked at speed dating liked me. Half. Wow. Half!!! And a guy who responds rarely seems quite interested. I think of myself as not pretty enough for conventional standards. (I do think I'm quite beautiful, but not pretty. I'm, I think, beautiful in a Renoir-would-have-loved-to-have-painted-me sort of way, but not in a what-is-conventionally-attractive-in-an-age-where-photoshop-makes-models'-hips-smaller-than-their-heads sort of way. Intellectually, I know that men want a gal who is capable of walking upright and more of a mammal than an insect, but emotionally, I feel like I'm just too chubby. (I did lose nearly 10 pounds after John died, and I seem to have kept that off, though--yeah for the grief diet! For those who care, I seem to be a 14/16 at the moment, or, in "W" sizes more of a 12W/14W.)

So I'm really trying to just hold the fact that men are attracted to me. I actually sort of felt like that maybe John was up there tweaking men in my direction. My insecurity about men not being interested in me is partly linked to not really respecting men. When my dad told me (when I was in the 6th grade) that "You'll never get a boyfriend if you don't lose weight," I responded "Well then I don't want a boyfriend." While we were both wrong, I think I made a deal with the universe that I wouldn't try to want a boyfriend because I didn't know how to lose weight. But A) I'm not that big. (Statistically,in I'm 'average' size, although I do have trouble believing that.) And B) not all men judge women only on their size. Face, hair, tits, those things matter too, and in those areas, I do pretty well.

The man I'm enjoying corresponding with has several notable features. He and I have discussed literary kink. But nothing beyond that. (His profile makes reference to several kinky fiction pieces, so I recommended my favorite kinky book, Safe Word by Molly Weatherfield, and he bought it and is reading it!)

We are sharing ideas, but both of us have alluded to identifying with characters in fiction, and both of us have said we'll discuss it in person. I think this is good, because it is keeping the conversation from becoming too emotionally intense too early.

I read in a book on relationships that relationships built around sharing our wounded vulnerable pieces sometimes keep both people stuck in the wounded area--that we can't grow and heal if that's how we base intimacy. I asked my best friend and she totally agreed. I'm not sure if I believe this--I don't know what intimacy looks like if it doesn't involve a certain amount of sharing vulnerability. But I want to make sure I'm sharing good stuff in abundance.

I worry that I might be giving off an angst-free sense of kink, but I think as long as it stays in a literary discussion (and mostly of vampires, we haven't talked about Safe Word) then I think I'm fine. Interestingly, I get the sense that he might have had a bit of angst there as well, but I'm totally reading that into something he said. If we get more personal, then I think I have to mention that "while mostly of my baggage is neatly folded, I do think that rummaging in those waters could involve some laundry." That isn't the right way to say it, but something along those lines.

But I'm also aware of not wanting to develop the kind of intensity I had with John over e-mail. I'm very much enjoying correspondence. But I don't think that level of intensity is healthy in a virtual relationship. I think the 'let's save that for an in-person talk' is a really good way to go. Taking time to build trust before kink is introduced is just plain old sensible and intelligent!

But I do relish the thought of finding someone with whom I could be a kinky amateur.