I'm also trying to be aware that just because some men behave in certain ways, not all men do.
Yesterday was hard. First I got a massage from a self-described 'aging hippie' who would not shut up during my massage, and he was going through a divorce. According to him, his ex was a materialistic woman and 'what did she want with an aging hippie like me?' He was clearly frustrated with her focus on material possession and the dominant narrative for how to define worth, and I asked him what he wanted from her: "Well, she was sexy and beautiful." Grrrr! All his frustrations were defined by her as a woman falling into fairly stereotypical ways of measuring value, but he as a man was doing the exact same thing!
Then I get home and check my e-mail. I went out with this man twice, about 6 months ago. He blew me off after the 2nd date. I would have blown him off if he hadn't blown me off. He HATED a job that probably paid $10 an hour and didn't really have any plan for how to change his job or find a better job or make a change. He hated the area where we live, and pretty much hated his life. He was living here to be a 'good son' but was only waiting for his mother to die, so he could go back to Alaska, where life was good. A month ago he asked if I wanted to borrow a book of his and I didn't reply. Then last week he asked if I'd like to go out again. I said: "What's your thinking? You kind of disappeared after the last time we got together, and I know you want to move back to Alaska."
He replied:
I've been wondering about myself lately. I'm guessing you are blissfully ignorant of Seinfeld? One episode, he made the proclamation that 90% of the population was un-dateable. (How do the rest of us make out? Alcohol.)
Yeah, I'm not really happy here. I miss Alaska terribly. But the life I left is no longer there. I'm fairly committed to staying in the area as long as my mom does. So I have learn to make the most out of my time here.
I'm kind of caught in a huge Catch 22. I have neither a job nor a mate and that makes me depressed (not that I really need much excuse). That makes it that much harder to be 'up' when on an interview or a date. Last date said she didn't feel any spark (nor did I). But I'm wondering if I have a spark to give off.
And its also not good that, as I get older and learn more about myself, I don't necessarily like what I learn. Fer instance, I would like to believe that I can be attracted to someone's intellect and have that make up for any short comings, say, physically.
But sadly, that's not the case. As I said, its not really something I'm proud of. Its not something that I really know how to deal with. So, I ignore instead of dealing.
But I do like you for your intellect. I've kind of adopted one of your mannerisms--your singsong acknowledgement 'I see'. But it seems highly unlikely a romantic match is possible.
So, I was wondering if you would like to see each other as friends. Go to museums maybe bike ride but w/o any romantic intentions. I'd really like to have a friend like you.
Not particularly surprising, but I assume that what he meant is: "You have physical short-comings but I like your intellect. But that isn't enough to make you dateable. But spend time with me because I need a friend."
It really pissed me off. I sent 2 replies. One said: "I wish you the best and appreciate your honesty, but I'm not doing platonic friends here." And the other said (and I'm glad I sent it, an hour later--I was still pissed): "Telling a girl she has physical short comings, it really isn't kind. I only allow people to be friends who are kind to me."
So in the past, I'd let this man affect my sense of self and I would go back into yet another cycle of feeling insecure. I could list all his short-comings; but why? He is clearly stuck in his rather negative cycle. (He got fired since we left, probably because he hated his job so much.) And I wouldn't have been happy with him anyway.
John was so far and away a superior man to this man. And the ring on my finger reminds me that he thought I was pretty fucking extraordinary, lacking only in confidence. I refuse to let this twit pull me into a cycle of self-doubt.
I was kayaking yesterday, and I fell in the lake. And this man started laughing at me. Derisively and mockingly, pointing at me from the shore. And I ignored him, pulled my kayak on shore, flipped it over, drained it out and went to get a different kayak as he laughed the entire time. I started to walk over to him and I realized he was retarded. I'm guessing downs syndrome; I'm not sure. And I know he has probably been laughed at, and people have probably teased him. And he probably hated it. And I know, by my view of the world, I'm lucky to be me and not him. And I tried to have kindness for him. But he just kept laughing and pointing at me. I didn't know how to talk to him, without being condescending or angry. So I stayed silent. I'm tired of staying silent while men treat me badly. But I also know that it isn't all men. John would have challenged me to a jousting duel on kayaks and then fallen in the water before he pulled me back in. I want to be honest in my emotions, but being mad at men in general is neither fair, nor will not bring me greater joy.
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