Amateur

I seem to be in a good space with dating as of late.

I went to a 'speed-dating' event last week, and 14 men were interested in me! (Actually perchance a few more--14 of the men I was interested in were interested in me.) And I was at the oldest age range, so most of these men were younger, I think. I went with a size 6 friend, and she got only 3 men responding to her. So clearly, size is not everything!

Then, on OK Cupid, there was this fabulous man, who has a 'red' (responds rarely) status. I rarely write men, and have never written a 'responds rarely' guy, but I loved his profile and we had quite a bit in common. (He also had several references to kinky literature in his profile.) Anyway, he wrote me back, and not just a 'hi' but several pages each time. (I expect that he responds selectively because he writes a great deal.) And then he stopped writing me back and I was so very sad and did exactly what I always do, which is to analyze everything I might have done wrong. But then 2 days later, another fabulous long e-mail (which an apology and an explanation).

Meanwhile, I really do like one of the men from the speed-dating, despite my suspicion that he is a decade younger than me. I'm not sure how to suss out his age without giving mine away. (I don't usually go to the speed dating events where I'll be on the older side, but they had a last-minute free promotion for gals since they had too many guys.)

So first of all--half the guys that I liked at speed dating liked me. Half. Wow. Half!!! And a guy who responds rarely seems quite interested. I think of myself as not pretty enough for conventional standards. (I do think I'm quite beautiful, but not pretty. I'm, I think, beautiful in a Renoir-would-have-loved-to-have-painted-me sort of way, but not in a what-is-conventionally-attractive-in-an-age-where-photoshop-makes-models'-hips-smaller-than-their-heads sort of way. Intellectually, I know that men want a gal who is capable of walking upright and more of a mammal than an insect, but emotionally, I feel like I'm just too chubby. (I did lose nearly 10 pounds after John died, and I seem to have kept that off, though--yeah for the grief diet! For those who care, I seem to be a 14/16 at the moment, or, in "W" sizes more of a 12W/14W.)

So I'm really trying to just hold the fact that men are attracted to me. I actually sort of felt like that maybe John was up there tweaking men in my direction. My insecurity about men not being interested in me is partly linked to not really respecting men. When my dad told me (when I was in the 6th grade) that "You'll never get a boyfriend if you don't lose weight," I responded "Well then I don't want a boyfriend." While we were both wrong, I think I made a deal with the universe that I wouldn't try to want a boyfriend because I didn't know how to lose weight. But A) I'm not that big. (Statistically,in I'm 'average' size, although I do have trouble believing that.) And B) not all men judge women only on their size. Face, hair, tits, those things matter too, and in those areas, I do pretty well.

The man I'm enjoying corresponding with has several notable features. He and I have discussed literary kink. But nothing beyond that. (His profile makes reference to several kinky fiction pieces, so I recommended my favorite kinky book, Safe Word by Molly Weatherfield, and he bought it and is reading it!)

We are sharing ideas, but both of us have alluded to identifying with characters in fiction, and both of us have said we'll discuss it in person. I think this is good, because it is keeping the conversation from becoming too emotionally intense too early.

I read in a book on relationships that relationships built around sharing our wounded vulnerable pieces sometimes keep both people stuck in the wounded area--that we can't grow and heal if that's how we base intimacy. I asked my best friend and she totally agreed. I'm not sure if I believe this--I don't know what intimacy looks like if it doesn't involve a certain amount of sharing vulnerability. But I want to make sure I'm sharing good stuff in abundance.

I worry that I might be giving off an angst-free sense of kink, but I think as long as it stays in a literary discussion (and mostly of vampires, we haven't talked about Safe Word) then I think I'm fine. Interestingly, I get the sense that he might have had a bit of angst there as well, but I'm totally reading that into something he said. If we get more personal, then I think I have to mention that "while mostly of my baggage is neatly folded, I do think that rummaging in those waters could involve some laundry." That isn't the right way to say it, but something along those lines.

But I'm also aware of not wanting to develop the kind of intensity I had with John over e-mail. I'm very much enjoying correspondence. But I don't think that level of intensity is healthy in a virtual relationship. I think the 'let's save that for an in-person talk' is a really good way to go. Taking time to build trust before kink is introduced is just plain old sensible and intelligent!

But I do relish the thought of finding someone with whom I could be a kinky amateur.