Wow.

So I was on an 'altered state of consciousness' trip last night and having all this fun, and all of a sudden I saw John there. It was the last place I saw him in real life and he was smiling, but also reaching out to me, across the parking lot. In real life he was waving and making silly faces and I had tears just streaming down my face, uncontrollably. And then this semi truck parked between us, and then he had gone. But last night he was just there, and I felt it to the tips of my bones.

I really thought I had gotten over John. I really thought that I loved him, but I had accepted what is. I can't believe how deeply shaken I was by that.

(I don't do altered states of consciousness much--I did do mushrooms years ago in Amsterdam, and I've sometimes had mild hallucinations from marijuana. This didn't have any images for me, except John, and just that one image, frozen in time.)

I also realized that, for me, there is a huge difference between submission and surrender. With submission, I force myself to do what he wants, that I don't want. And with surrender, I open wider to him. There isn't the clenching. Submission is, for me, an act of will over-riding my every instinct, when all I want is to be held. Surrender is when I just get softer and more open.

One time, and one time only, I was truly surrendering to this man and I started having visions. I could see the shape of the universe, and it was like a giant nautilus shell. I should mention that my mom did LSD in the 60s, and saw the universe in the shape of a giant shell. So it is possible that that image had been planted in my head decades before. But who cares. It was really amazing, like I could surf through the universe and see how everything connected together.

John saw, so clearly, private girl as well as public woman. And my public woman knows how to handle rejection, but my private girl just doesn't. And for him to see me that clearly. And I know, it really was him and not me. His fears about not being able to give me what I wanted were real. At the time, I dismissed his fears about his health as being in his head because the doctors found nothing. But, clearly, he was ill. And his concerns about his memory lapses, I didn't believe that and thought if he had cared about me, he would have remembered borrowing my ring the same day we had an argument about whether we should get engaged before we had sex or not. (I wanted sex before engagement. He didn't want to hurt me and didn't want to have sex before he was sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Of course, if he'd known how short the rest of his life was....)

I'm not saying I was wrong to be upset that he forgot about borrowing my ring. I can see now, it was his failing body and not me. But I don't beat myself up about it. But if I knew then what I know now...

Somehow, other people's words seem to best summarize:

I've been thinking about leaving my fingerprints on your being...

So come down now. Remove your mask. See. All you gotta do is ask me. I'll give you all the love life allows.

What does this feeling mean to you. Both to be seen and to be seen through?

Stew, Passing Strange

"You're an idiot." "You'd be my little girl."

I went out with a guy yesterday and had about an hour-long phone conversation with a second guy, who seem to demarcate the extremes. The first guy is an incredibly wealthy man, with a lot of power. Bi-coastal and seemingly very much defined by his other place living on Park Avenue and working on Wall Street. I was going to write “in New York City,” but I suppose he is vindicated by the fact that that is obvious. He basically said: “I won’t offer you want you want. But if you sleep with me on a regular basis, I will teach you how to have power in this world. You are wasting your life because you are much too smart for your current job. You what, work with 1000 people a year? 800 of whom have no chance and 100 of whom will make it without you and maybe helping 100. What a waste of you. You could matter, but you’re too lazy to connect with the people that matter. I will give you access to the people with power, and you can create policies and institutions that affect 10 million people a year.”

And I have to say, while I am not a prostitute, if ever I were to have sex with someone I didn’t love, that would be the offer that would do it.

However, I don’t think he could deliver. He was incredibly good at figuring out my weaknesses, but he never once gave a hint that he knew how the world I care about operates. (He didn’t even know who Paul Krugman, Thomas Friedman or David Brooks are, and most people on Wall Street hate Krugman’s guts.

He was SO cynical! He designs hedge funds, but he said he wouldn’t put a nickel in Wall Street. And if people are stupid enough to invest in Wall Street without understanding everything about their investment, then they deserve to lose it all.

We said I was Park Avenue in my bones. Even if I’d rejected it, I belonged on Park Avenue, but right now, no one who lived there would ever allow me in their house. But he could teach me how to have access to all the power and wealth of Wall Street. I think he realized quite earlier that money bores me, so over and over again, he kept focusing on the power to change social policy.

“You’re an idiot” he said. "You keep banging your head against the wall's. I know the architect. He'll give you the plans if I introduce you."

It is a very seductive offer. I do have to admit, he was less repellant by the end of our 4-hour lunch (with SO much wine!) than the beginning.

One thing was quite interesting: if he was looking for weaknesses, he ignored all the ones I think of as my biggest ones. He made it quite clear he thought I was hot and smart and said he rarely dates over 25, and I should just lie about my age and say I'm 32, because that's what I look like. (Why do I keep getting these people saying I should like about my age? And why is it always 32?)

Guy number 2 offers the exact opposite. He seems like a nice guy, who runs a hotel on one of the San Juan islands. He basically offered to cherish and love me, and support me. "You'd be my little girl" he said. I said "there's no way our lives could work, and I'm not interested in making that much of a trip to meet. (He said I have to come out to visit him--he couldn't leave his hotel to make the trip.) And when I pointed out our jobs are too far apart for us to live together he was like "you can quit yours; I'll take care of you." I think he understood, by the end, that my job is far too important for me to quit it like that. I could never submit to someone without all the power I have during the day. Power guy #1 would mock as pointless. But sometimes, it feels like I do make a difference.

Maybe I'm a fool for not spreading my legs for Guy #1. Maybe I'll see him again. (I told him flat out I wouldn't sleep with him and he said "we'll see--we have something here--you are worth something.") It is just interesting to have two-such extremes presented at once.

Buddhism

I'm most definitely not a Buddhist (although some of my best friends are). But I seem to be starting to view it not as region, but as philosophy, and wondering if I mightn't make use of it.

It seems that most of my angst in my life right now is from wanting a partner. Aside from that, my life is actually quite good. (Well, it will be better when the remodeling of my office is complete, but that is a very good problem to have.)

I'm SO aware of each passing year making me less what I think men desire. I can still pass for early 30s, but for how long? I don't mind my age, in part because my life is good. But I hate the assumptions other people make based on age. I don't lie about my age, but I try not to mention it, but one has to with internet dating--several friends have told me to lie, but I don't want a relationship based on lies. But there are a lot of things I don't want a relationship based on. And I'm tired of being single.

Every single one of my close female friends is single, except the one that dropped out of college. We are an impressive bunch of women. I date the most, even though I'm the plumper one, and I'm pretty sure that is because of kink, but also because I'm willing to compromise more than the others.

How to figure out the right compromises continually flummoxes me.

It seems like, when push comes to shove, I eventually make the right decision, after having tried and failed at all other options. But I didn't marry the ex, thank god! But it took him proposing for me to realize how unhappy I was there. Or to acknowledge it outloud.

So, it seems to me that if I could let go of my desire for a partner, the rest of my life is still pretty good. I actually think I'm cuter than I've ever been. I'm living healthier than I think I ever have. I have frustrations at work (who doesn't?) but my life is really coming together well. Aside from this giant, gaping yearning. And to that, I will try and send some acceptance, and love, but also try and let go of it.

I have always felt like I've had to pick--either I'll risk wanting a partner, and knowing I could fail. Or I'll just try and kill that part of me, so it doesn't hurt so much. But maybe there is a middle ground where I can keep dating, sort of as an anthropological experiment, but accept life as it is.

Closure

So I'm coming to think that David was just lying and lying and lying to me. I sent him a fairly long, heart-felt e-mail on CM, explaining why I would see other people while he was in jail.

He deleted it unread. While he was supposedly in jail and unable to have any visitors for a week of 'intake' according to his 'brother' who supposedly accidentally texted me from his phone. He also put a picture back on up CM, while he is supposedly in jail for 90 days.

I guess the fact that he said he loved me on our first night together should have been a bigger warning sign.

I don't understand how some people meet someone and it just magically works and I'm like a cat, looking at a fishbowl, wanting a fish and not understanding that I'm not a fish, but there don't seem to be any other cats.

I just want to curl up and cry, buy my sister is visiting and she doesn't know anything about this, so I just put on a happy face and hum "smoke gets in your eyes."