Buddhism

I'm most definitely not a Buddhist (although some of my best friends are). But I seem to be starting to view it not as region, but as philosophy, and wondering if I mightn't make use of it.

It seems that most of my angst in my life right now is from wanting a partner. Aside from that, my life is actually quite good. (Well, it will be better when the remodeling of my office is complete, but that is a very good problem to have.)

I'm SO aware of each passing year making me less what I think men desire. I can still pass for early 30s, but for how long? I don't mind my age, in part because my life is good. But I hate the assumptions other people make based on age. I don't lie about my age, but I try not to mention it, but one has to with internet dating--several friends have told me to lie, but I don't want a relationship based on lies. But there are a lot of things I don't want a relationship based on. And I'm tired of being single.

Every single one of my close female friends is single, except the one that dropped out of college. We are an impressive bunch of women. I date the most, even though I'm the plumper one, and I'm pretty sure that is because of kink, but also because I'm willing to compromise more than the others.

How to figure out the right compromises continually flummoxes me.

It seems like, when push comes to shove, I eventually make the right decision, after having tried and failed at all other options. But I didn't marry the ex, thank god! But it took him proposing for me to realize how unhappy I was there. Or to acknowledge it outloud.

So, it seems to me that if I could let go of my desire for a partner, the rest of my life is still pretty good. I actually think I'm cuter than I've ever been. I'm living healthier than I think I ever have. I have frustrations at work (who doesn't?) but my life is really coming together well. Aside from this giant, gaping yearning. And to that, I will try and send some acceptance, and love, but also try and let go of it.

I have always felt like I've had to pick--either I'll risk wanting a partner, and knowing I could fail. Or I'll just try and kill that part of me, so it doesn't hurt so much. But maybe there is a middle ground where I can keep dating, sort of as an anthropological experiment, but accept life as it is.