Borrowing Trouble

I have a few quotidian concerns about MaxEarnest and me.  Will he like Seattle?  Will we work together in everyday time?  

But my biggest concern is more existential.  My young-girl is about 12.  Very sexual, almost insatiable.  That side of me wants to be adored and used and to please.  I'm also very naive and very trusting.  And Maxearnest and I just fit together so beautiful.  He delights in that side of me and cherishes that side and takes such wonderful, wonderful care of me.

I have this fear though, which is unknowable and probably irrational.  I feel like that side of me is being seen and recognized and is living in a way I've never really lived.  What if that side of me starts to grow up?  If my young girl went from 12 to 13, Maxearnest and I would probably fall apart.  I'm not at all rebellious.  I'm trusting and delight in having someone to care for me.  I have little lapses of discipline, like where I let go of a wrist when I'm scared and I don't maintain control, but I want to please Maxearnest and they are things I'm learning to be better on.  I also have moments where I don't necessarily want to obey because something hurts, it's hard and I'll think "why do I have to do that; I wish I didn't have to."  But I do obey.

But what if in nurturing that side of me, that side starts to grow up and become more like a teenager?  Maxearnest told me that he wants my erotic life to be focused around him, so I haven't opened a naughty novella since we were together in Iceland, and I am fine with that.  But then I read a review of a new naughty novel and part of me wanted to read it.  And I can't.  I'm not allowed to.  I'm actually fine with that.  I would so much rather live the life I'm living, worthy of being turned into its own naughty novel, than read about someone else's fantasies, but what if I read about another book in a few years and really want to read it?  I'm sure if it were really important to me, I mean really, Maxearnest would find a way to make it work.  But what if I become rebellious?  What if something hurts, really hurts, and I think "I wish I didn't have to do that" and then part of me says "you don't have to."

I have this deep feeling that if I ever lied to Maxearnest about anything important (I could dissemble about a present for him, or something like that), it would really hurt our relationship.  Even if he never found out, it would really hurt us. One of the things that is so magical between us is how well he can read my emotions, and how he uses that to make me happier than I'd ever imagined I could be.  Why can I even fear that someday I'd risk that for a little rebellious independence?  But I've read so much about so many women being unhappy in relationships in the 50s and 60s and earlier, and even now.  I don't understand how if they were being loved and cherished, they wouldn't obey.  But an awful lot of women found that to be an untenable situation.  I know is some ways this is different, but in some ways it isn't.  I guess I just want this moment to never end and I'm scared it could.

There's no way of stopping time.  There's no use borrowing trouble and worrying about the future.  But it is sad to think that I might grow in a way that would wreck the best thing that has happened to me.