I'm sort of amazed to look at where I've come in the last year. A funny turning point is that I did a summer-camp-for-grown-ups last summer that was all about 'inner-child' stuff, and the staff member I was paired with kind of blew me off. She didn't meet with me and didn't meet and finally made an appointment and didn't show. (She also wasn't reading the stuff I was writing, as she was supposed to--in a list of my mother's flaws, I mentioned that my mom had had bulimia and this person responded to the list"did you mother have issues with food?") I thought about leaving and then refused to let her treat me like that any more. I made the summer-camp people change plans to accommodate my needs. When they said they wouldn't I said they needed to because they'd fucked up. When they said I was having trust issues, I said "OK, I have trust issues, so act in a trustworthy way." In retrospect, it was probably as valuable a lesson as I could have gotten. When I set those limits, two other staff members really stepped up for me and I got a lot of what I wanted. I think that is the moment that I really did begin to say "you can't treat me like that" and mean it. And I had to mean it for it to mean anything.
My dad never hit me or abused me in a physical way, but he would get critical in ways that were devastating, and so I monitored my own behaviour so much, and also everything in the general environment. My dad once told me I had "betrayed" him because he really hated a movie I recommended. And in this year, I've started to see my dad as really damaged. And started to let go of having a close relationship with him. Maybe in a few years I can have a little more, but at the moment, I don't want to be around him if he is going to be so self-centered that he refuses to try to not hurt me.
And then I left my father's house to come to my home and see Maxearnest. My identity is shifting. I'm not Daddy's Girl anymore. I'm sure issues will come up at some point, but they are not as salient. I'm Maxearnest's beloved young slave girl. There is a freedom and a joy there. He makes me happy. This feels like home.
I trust him enough that I could just relax with him and literally fall when he shifted me and let him catch me. I didn't even tense up. I'm sure there's a metaphor there as well.
We were having a very intimate conversation about my dad and kink and that my dad's criticism is probably what led me towards kink. And all that is probably true. And 10 years ago, I tried to analyze the criticism away and avoid the kink. But now, I sort of feel like the kink was the silver lining. Yeah, it sucked. But look at this gift I got out of it?
I wouldn't change anything in my life, or at least nothing big--I'd still change the 2000 election--because it led me here. And I'm so very happy.
Of course, I read the Newsweek article, and it is interesting. But a huge difference with my experience because with Maxearnest, I'm taking responsibility for my desire. I kneel at his feet or for him often. He almost never orders me to kneel, but I sense that he likes it when I do. And there's something very calming about it. And then he usually pets and cherishes me and I look up at his strong hands and handsome face and I feel so very safe and adored and all is right in the world. There is something about kneeling for him that is so very freeing.
Today he asked me if I needed to be used harder and I said yes, even though it scares me. But I do. He has been so very tender and gentle with me, and I love it. I feel like an aquifer, just absorbing his love and his cherishing. But then, there is that wild animal that needs to be pushed, controlled, taken. I need to suffer for Maxearnest, to make the power about something more than rhetoric. It calms that shrew beating in my breast. And it makes me wet.
Life has always seemed about trade-offs. How lucky that I don't have to pick one or the other. I am getting it all.
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