Defining my Identity

I’m on my way to MaxEarnest’s with a 4-hour layover in Berlin, and I feel rather discombobulated.  I had to pay and extra 50 euros (on a flight that cost 55 euros) because my carry-on weighted more than 8 kilos, and I felt so helpless and ripped off that I tripped on an escalator and bruised my shin.  And then Starbucks doesn’t have free wi-fi!  It costs as much as Starbucks in America (actually, quite a bit more), and they charge 8.50 euros an hour for wi-fi!  So I’m so tired, and feeling broke (even if I can afford the 50 euros--it just makes me feel really insecure, like I don’t know what I’m in for) and isolated.   

I got on my computer to unsubscribe from many of my podcasts.  Terry Gross.  Bill Moyers.  Bill Mahrer.  Dan Savage.  A variety of NPR podcasts.  Rachel Maddow.  It is all scary, but giving up Rachel Maddow feels like a huge loss.

I spend a lot of my energy and wits on keeping informed about politics in the United States.  Part of me knows that it is pointless.  Does it really matter if I know about the Obama’s administration’s continuation of Bush’s abuse of executive power?  During the Bush administration, it felt really important.  I shouldn’t say this, but I feel saddened by Obama and like I’ve lost my ability to believe that anything I do can make a difference.  Part of me believes that the power of witness is important.  That small percentage of us who stay engaged and focused on the news, who know what is going on and write letters and talk to each other and care--do we make any difference at all?  Is it just political masturbation, only not as fun?

I know that in Europe this summer, I won’t have the sort of time I had in the U.S.  I do have time planned here, but I will have to be focused and really do work during that time.  I think MaxEarnest will want as much of my time as I can possibly have, and so I have to unsubscribe.  Part of me wants to define myself more as sex-kitten than liberal Democrat. I’m keeping RadioLab and This American Life, because I couldn’t not have those, but I’m unsubscribing from almost everything else.  But that feels like I’m losing a big part of how I see myself. I missed 7 weeks of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report while MaxEarnest was in the U.S. and when I went back to watch it after he left, I felt a little out of sync.

I know that in some ways, it will be good. I used to actually listen to significantly more podcasts and every New Year's Day I unsubscribe from a few.  Some of my podcasts are just great for my commute, but there have always been more than my commute lasts, and I sometimes end up playing stupid video games while I listen.  Maybe I need to let go of that part of my identity.  I know that it uses a lot of resources in terms of time, but also money--I give an awful lot of $20 donations to politicians around the country.  It is also a foundation of a lot of my friendships--I’m sure the good ones won’t go away.  And, in all honesty, I can easily re-subscribe in September.  I'm sure I will to many.  But what will have changed?  

Predictions for September:  The election will be close; the economy will be bad; Mitt Romney will have said something a little wooden (am I only one that thinks he has high-functioning Aspergers?); Obama will have disappointed me in at least 5 ways; Claire McCaskill, Tim Kaine, Jon Tester, Maria Cantwell, Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar will all be in races that are within the margin of error--maybe I should send them each $20 today.  Faux News will have ginned up a fake controversy that is linked to Obama’s scary otherness and Nevada will be close enough I’ll be tempted to go there to volunteer for a week, but ultimately I’ll probably decide it isn’t winnable this election and Washington and Oregon will be safe enough that I’ll feel like volunteering isn’t worthwhile.   What does it really matter if I don’t get all the nuances on the SCOTUS decision overturning much of Obama’s health care bill on Thursday at 7am Pacific time?  Does it really matter if I only get the headline a little later?  But it is a little terrifying to me.  It is a huge part of how I justify my existence.  I feel like it matters, even if I don’t really think it does.