The systemization of consumption may be parsed as the eroticization of the gendered body, thereby enabling Foucaultian paradigms to (re)inscribe the inherent hierarchical taxonomy of the pain-pleasure continuum.
(Just in case google sends any Foucault po-mo grad students my way. Maybe I have a touch of sadism after all....)
Now to discipline and punishment.
I finished Fifty Shade of Grey. It was a quick read (obviously).
I'm struck by several things in the book. First of all, Ana communicates much better via e-mail than in person, which is so very true for me too.
Second, the book does a good job externalizing a central conflict that I have internally, which is he wants all kink and she wants all romance. How do you combine the two for a life? I was quite surprised at how the first book ended and it will be weeks before I get the next one from the library.
However, it brought up the unresolved issue that I had over the summer. In it, she is punished, hard, and hates it. "He has needs that I cannot fulfill. I realize that now. I don’t want him to hit me like that again, ever. ... I did follow my heart, and I have a sore ass and an anguished, broken spirit to show for it."
And, honestly, that happened to me this summer. Except MaxEarnest didn't punish me hard. My ass wasn't that sore, but my spirit broke and took some real time to mend.
Part of me accepts that MaxEarnest has the right to punish me. But it was horrible for me. Flashbacks of bullies beating me up. It was the first time I ever purposefully tried to ignore what was happening to me with him and just sign songs to myself to make it through. Whenever I was beaten up as a child, I was told I was 'fun to tease.' Not, "fight back" (that wouldn't be attractive in a girl, duh!) but, essentially, 'don't make it fun for them to hit you. And I just went right back there. The girl everyone hated in elementary and middle school.
I had no idea how badly I would take it. Actually, that's not true. I had inklings. If I look at what I wrote around that time, I knew I didn't think it was fair and didn't want it to happen. I didn't talk about it, even when I wrote about it. Why? I was scared. I wasn't sure that he was going to punish me, and I thought the transgression was so small that if he did, it would be a very quick punishment, and when I tried to talk about it, it seemed to make it worse. We had talked about my tendency to sort of leave my body early on, and he never pushed me to that place before. And I wanted to please. And maybe part of me was rebelling. I can't articulate it, but I think part of me was. After it happened, I felt so despondent. I just cried and cried. And he held me. He was SO good to me. In some weird way, it heeled some of the damage from being beaten up as a kid. But it took a long while to get over. Weeks before I was hungry for his touch. And I can't go through that again.
I know I have to talk to him about this. But it is much easier for me to blog than to talk. I don't like hiding behind the blog, but the fact that I'm writing this will mean we will talk. (Hello MaxEarnest.) I wish I could just talk to him. I feel like hiding behind my blog keeps us a bit apart. I wouldn't like it if I had to find out how he was feeling from a blog. I'd say "why can't you just tell me." But when I've tried to take my blog out of the equation, it hasn't worked as well, and he has never said that to me. I can be far more articulate here.
Even if I e-mail him directly, I want to please him. I can't say the things that are hard to say. Here, I have to be honest. That is a requirement of this space. I can choose what I talk about, but if I talk about something, it has to be honest and complete. It is very easy to hit publish, and even after I hit publish, it is very easy to e-mail it to him. But even e-mailing him directly, I tend to say what I think I should say. The thing he thought I did wrong happened because I was trying to communicate in the moment and be sexy instead of hide behind my blog, and he didn't think it was sexy.
I can't imagine he would do something like that again. He knows I have this trip wire. I think if I'd understood how deep it ran and been able to communicate it, he wouldn't have done it the first time. But I also need to be strong enough to start this conversation and every time I try and start it, I don't.
So here is what I should say to him: I don't want to be punished again.
I can't handle it. I know I know you know that on one level and I know you also want the right to punish me on another level. Maybe I could handle being made to stand in a corner or to write lines, or something like that. But I can't handle being hurt as part of punishment. I just want to be your good girl. I promise you that I will try very hard to be your good girl.
We've been together for 10 months now, and you've only punished me once. You know that I try to obey you. I want to be your good girl without fearing punishment again. Just obeying you because I want to obey you, not because I feel hysterical that I will have to endure that again.
Spoiler about 50 shades ahead:
This other part of me is wondering if I should even try and be a submissive when I'm not with him. That seems to be the only way my sense of eros is engaged. But I don't know if I'm strong enough, and I wonder how important fabulous, mind-blowing sex is, anyway? I could just have my fantasies and a vanilla sex life? Don't women lose interest in sex when they get older? According to 50 Shades I am older. Of course, exclusively vanilla sex would hasten my loss of interest in sex quite rapidly. At the end of Fifty Shades of Grey she leaves him. Decides, after being punished, that it is too fucked up and she wants a vanilla, romantic relationship that is far less complicated. (Of course, there are 2 more books, so I have a feeling that something else happens--after all they're making a Hollywood movie about it.) I'm not going to leave MaxEarnest over this, a;though there was a time when I think he was ready to leave me and I couldn't see another way through it. I love him. I love that he stuck with me when it was hard. And we have much better communication than the 2 do in the book. But I don't see how our lives will fit together. And if, at some point, we actually see other people (instead of saying that we can and not doing anything about it) I have to figure out if I want to continue to identify as kinky, or if I want to let that live in my fantasies but not my life.
2 comments:
I do trust all the ideas you have introduced in your post. They are really convincing and can definitely work. Nonetheless, the posts are too short for newbies. Could you please lengthen them a bit from next time? Thank you for the post.
If there's anything you'd like me to write about more, I'm happy to do so. (And feel free to e-mail me if you have questions.)
However, don't trust all my ideas. If you're new to kink, read a lot, and try to figure out what is important to you. What works for me is not going to work for you all the time, and you have to figure out what works for you.
My only real advice is remember, this is about pleasure and joy and that thing I call eros, which can be dark, but must lead towards light. If you are with someone that only pulls to the dark, don't ever let anyone tell you you don't have the right to desire what you want or wish for what you want.
Finally, you will meet men looking for a 'real' submissive. If they want to be sure you are female (if you say you are) and live in this country and are not trying to scam them, that is legit. But if they want you to do things that don't feel right to you, they are not safe. Get way.
Too often, people forget about the fact that this should be joyful for both people!
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