Moving on

MaxEarnest and I parted today.  It was the kindest, most loving moving on I have ever seen.  He is such a lovely, loving man, and I'm so grateful to him.  He is such a foundation of holding, of serene warmth and love.  It made it much harder to say goodbye, but it will make it much easier for us to be friends.  I think I will always love him.  I expect our paths will continue to cross, but I don't know how.  It made me so sad to say goodbye to him.  He is such a wonderful man.

The reason MaxEarnest released me is because I have been going out with someone else.  He is more vanilla, and I don't know that I'd ever share this blog with him.  But I think he would be a great father and a great partner in life and in my intellectual endeavors.  He is kind and warm and we communicate very, very well.  He is open in having kids and thinks I am his soul mate.  We've only gone out 9 times.  We haven't slept together.  I don't know what happens next. But I think if I had tried to spend a couple of months with MaxEarnest at Christmas, there's a great chance it would have torpedoed the new guy and I.

There's another thing I'm saying goodbye to.  At least for now.  And that is this blog.  I will miss it.  I have loved writing it.  But somehow, I don't think I should be blogging if I can't share it with the new guy.  It may be in a few months I can, but I just don't know if or when I can and I feel like to have good communication with him, I don't want to be actively hiding something from him.  

MaxEarnest was everything I wanted in sex, and I realized that sex is not enough.  I want a family.  I want to share a home and a life.  I don't know how I'll do in a more vanilla environment, but this new man wants a vanilla life that is so compatible with mine.  

I had a crisis at work this week and both men were there for me.  And a lot of people at work were there for me too.  The crisis isn't solved.  I don't know if I'll keep my main job, but I really feel like MaxEarnest's unconditional love has changed me.  Maybe people at work would have been there for me the same way if this had happened last year.  Maybe the change is that I can now see it.

4 Years Ago

It has been a crazy couple of weeks, and last night was, well, I'm relieved.

But, of course, election nights stick out.  And election night 2008.   The party I went to last night was rather lame and the party 4 years ago was spectacular.  4 years ago, it was one of the best nights of my entire life.  I was there with the ex.  We kissed, knowing we were going to break up, but still a sweetness and an exhilaration   (We had always bonded over politics.)  And I had started to talk to John again.  John was going to take me out for brunch--I think it was on Sunday, but I'm not sure.

But even though the night 4 years ago was so much more beautiful and memorable than last night, my life is so much lovelier!  Last night, a guy tried to pick me up at the party!  And in a very sweet way.  We talked politics, and then he walked about a mile out of his way because I'd park far away to have a free spot.  I have never had a man pick me up like that.  Engaging, respectful, but also earnest and eager and clear.  

I feel like MaxEarnest has changed me so much that I am no longer who I was.  Before, I was deeply damaged and now I am this lovely person and men meet me and see me as this lovely person.  Somehow, all those years of feeling like damaged goods are gone.  And now, I am... What am I?  I'm not sure.  I'm figuring it out.  But it is good.