Alone

I've pretty much stopped dating because I'm going to try and get pregnant.  When I dated "Martin" it threw all my plans into muck, and I realized that even if I knew how to talk about it with someone, I don't know how to be open to someone new and also move forward with wanting a child.

But I'm so terribly lonely right now.

I got a really big promotion at work.  A big fucking deal.  And I got some lovely text messages.  But that's it.  I miss brunch, so much.   Dotty is still planning on moving back in a year and a bit (and we are getting together to celebrate in a couple of weeks, but that's a couple of weeks).  And I have made a couple of new friends, but they are gal-friends who either have severe enough dietary or money restrictions they can't go out, or partners so we get together in early evenings on work nights.  I don't have anyone I can truly celebrate with.

I'm trying to accept that, at least for the next few years, if all goes "well" I will be putting another being's needs far ahead of my own. And I've done that in lots of ways (boy do I miss stevia, and regular toe-nail polish!  The all natural stuff just doesn't work well).  But at night, I miss hearing MaxEarnest breathe.  I miss kneeling at his feet.  I miss kissing Martin. I miss John.  (Although the only one I see is Tony, and he's the only one I don't miss--little twit.)  I want to be a mom, more than anything else, but I can't even move forward with trying to get pregnant for another couple of months.  And I'm so lonely right now.