My New Favorite Nightie

It clings to my breast, cradling them in a sexy way, and then wafting out to just below my undies. It is diaphanous, without being obscene, flattering and sexy. Oh, and it is ballerina pink with a little rose and bow under my left breast. It is the same as the ivory one that Steven so lovingly and gently removed from my breasts and hips when my hands were handcuffed behind my breast, carefully kissing each inch of skin that he lovingly revealed. And it is the kind of nightgown a woman would wear who was being lovingly revealed. The object of the Father Figure song, not a trashier predecessor.

I've worn it every night since the Republican called me a stupid bitch. I even came home from work the other day, and took a nap in the middle of the day, in this nightgown. Normally, it is the sort of thing I'd save till I had someone to wear it for. But I seem to have this chasm of vulnerability and neediness that I don't want to just dump on an unsuspecting guy. I need to comfort myself, and this nightgown is a reminder that I am cherishable and worthy of love and kindness. And then I run my hand over my cheek and fall asleep, trying to cradle myself.

Fundamentally, I think I'm not looking for a kinky relationship. They just don't feel healthy to me. I want kinky sex within a vanilla relationship. But I want tons of vanilla. I want hugs, and appreciation and gentle caresses and warm words and encouragement and kindness and love. And within that, I want someone who will do evil things to me, but always with an overriding kindness and love.

It was actually a lovely date with the eharmony man. We didn't talk about sex at all--not even hint. But we talked about the fact that I played dumb for years, and I can't date men that aren't smart because I start to play dumb again. And we talked about difficulties at work and what selfish superpower we'd each pick, if we could (he wants mind-reading--I opted for either staying my current age or time travel), and what altruistic one we'd pick (he'd stop hunger, me global warming), and what we were reading, and whether we believed in God and what that meant, and what we'd change about work, and our families, and the cost of gas, and our favorite youtube videos and some of our fears, and the rightward tile of The Economist's US coverage in the last decade. It was a lovely evening. He isn't under my skin the way the Republican was after a date, but the Republican made me super-vulnerable and followed it up with making me feel insecure, which was actually a really manipulative thing to do, and I've fallen for that one-two punch before. I think this is actually better, healthier, for me. I'm not questioning my worth, the way I do when someone pulls that trick on me. And I'm just going to trust that if everything else worked, we could make that work too. But I seem to have this huge chasm of yearning. Usually that hunger is a raw, sexual hunger barely (but completely) hidden under a proper lady, but, right now at least, it is a hunger for comforting and kindness more than sex.