Tone & Dreams

Two big steps for me this week. I programmed my ex's phone number into my phone and I gave the book that John gave me for Christmas away.

I'm finally over John. It was hard. (Truth be told, I sort of lied here because I knew there was a time when John read it. "Michael" was John--I just didn't want him to know I was still smitten at that point.) So the lovely book needed to go. Things tie me to people and I didn't want to stay tied to him.

Meanwhile, my ex. Is he still my ex? He. Wants. To. Marry. Me! Me. Little old me. He hasn't given me a ring, because he knows I'm too uncertain. But he has said several times he wants to marry me.

And he has really changed since the last time. We were always good friends, but he never really put my needs on par with his. Last week he said "If I hadn't been so selfish, I could have gotten everything I wanted" and this week he talked about how he'd bought into hyperbolic discussions about S&M that ignored the sub's needs, but he realizes of course no one would stay unless their needs were met.

We are having an amazingly marvelous time together. Sex is fabulous. He finally got it about tone. I had tried and tried to explain about tone, but I didn't make sense before. Evidently a submissive a couple of girls before me had thrived on a harsh, domineering tone, which was anathema to me. He has always been gruff and almost angry with me during sex. Then Wednesday he started spanking me in the loving, tender, warm way I crave and he spanked me hard. He couldn't believe the difference, and we really talked about it. Yesterday I told him something along the lines of "I consented to stuff I shouldn't have before. I trust you are
really looking out for me. But let me also take responsibility for myself--I don't consent to that tone anymore, not to play with, not for threatening, not at all." And he said "O.K. I don't think I ever needed it. I just didn't get it."

All of which leaves one great big issues. He doesn't want kids. Period. End of subject. I'm deeply ambivalent. But I don't feel like I can say I'm not going to have kids. I'm not dying to have kids, but I want to leave some sort of mark on this world. It wouldn't have to be kids. But my ex just likes to hang out a lot. He is content to be in the audience (plus has 3 kids from a previous marriage). I want to publish my novel, have some random editor read my blog and want to make it into a book. And maybe be president of the united states in my free time. It doesn't have to be kids. It has to be something, though.