Spring Forward, Fall Back

I love autumn. It always feels like the beginning to me. I know that isn't how you're sposed to think of the seasons. Maybe I spent too much time in school, but autumn always feels like anything is possible.

I'm sleeping with my ex. I continue to insist that we're exes. But given that we're spending a couple of night a week together, and I love waking up in his arms, ex is probably the wrong label.

But I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him. Twice he has asked what I'd say if he asked me to marry him. I said I didn't know. I think we both know that means no.

Being with him, right now, heals a part of me. We had a talk about what happened before, and he never realized how it impacted me. He didn't really see the hungry, vulnerable girl that surrenders. He thought that the numbing out was part of how I surrendered. He has never pushed me there since. He keeps an eye on me whenever we're together and when he notices me going to the edge he stops and pulls me back to the present.

There are 2 main reasons I can't commit to spending the rest of my life with him right now. The first has to do with my tendency to just hang-out when we're together. I'm more ambitious than he is, and when we're together we watch a lot of TV and I don't make progress on my longer-term goals. He hasn't read my romance novel (which is mostly done--I'm hiring an editor to do a once over this month and plan to send it out to agents by the end of the year). I understand, because he's a guy. But he doesn't read anything I write (although I expect he would read this blog, if given the URL). I want him to have some interest in my intellectual life--some support. Not just vedge in from of Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann every night.

The second is kids. He's had two. He does not want more, and has had a vasectomy for good measure. I'm deeply unsure, but I can't seem to say "No, I'm not going to have kids" right now. (Although, nature will make that decision for me in the next 4 years, I'm sure.)

So there it is. I feel like I'm hibernating. But I also like I'm heeling in his arms.