My inner freak

I was a freak when I was a kid. A total freak. And I knew it. I knew how much the other kids despised me, and while I developed multiple coping mechanisms, one came to define me. I can’t explain what it was, because if you know that fact about me, I’m pretty easy to pin down. But suffice to say that I made a career out of a coping mechanism (cm).

I also developed a fabulous inner-life connected to my CM. And sometimes the girl there is more real to me than my socially acceptable persona. But almost know one knows her. I hid her, for her own good of course, and let her come out to play occasionally armored only in the language of post-modern literary theory. She is safe hidden in the obtuse deconstructions because no one knows she is there, so no one can hurt her, hidden safely in nuances and obfuscations.

But there is one place she can come out to play, for real. And that is a place I am a completely different person. I’m a diva, popular, confident. And pretty. In that one little corner, I have star power. And palpable joy.

My best friend comes with me. She doesn’t understand why I love being there so much, but she loves being with that part of me. And she brags about me, because she thinks I’m worth bragging about there.

I always tried to get my ex to come with me. Tried and tried and tried. But he never would. He never understood that maybe, just maybe, if you love someone, you might give them an evening. Finally he came once, after everything was over, and made such a huge deal of it that my inner-diva couldn’t come out and play.

And today, he mentioned casually, that he did something comparable with another girl. On their second date. Not a big deal, just because she wanted to. And he devastated me. I felt so worthless. We lived together for a year, and he would never do that with me. Had no interest in getting to know that side of me. No interest in my inner-life at all. I was a buddy, whom he could fuck. But not like he’d ever want to know what made my eyes light with joy. Not like he cared about me at all. I know he’d say I’m over-reacting, and I suppose I am.

But I feel like such a reject. Like someone that no one will ever love. And I’ll die alone. With my blog and my cats and a shrink I pay $150 an hour to pretend to care.

Class and snobbiness

So I've been talking with a sweet, vanilla guy, that I've been enjoying . And then it turns out he is a fedex delivery guy. He wasn't exactly upfront with me about that, but my first reaction was that seemed like it would be a good fit with me. But I didn't want to be snobby, so I still planned on meeting him. He wants to teach karate. But he isn't yet a blackbelt, so it would be at least 4 years before that happened, and then he'd need the start-up money to get a studio. It seems like a very hard plan to have for a career.

But, then it turns out his ex-wife is paying him alimony. That totally threw me the wrong way. I could see being willing to pull more than half, but if it didn't work out, there's no way I would want to support him. They have no kids--why should she pay alimony (and yes, I would feel the same way if the genders were reversed. I can see alimony 30 years ago, and I can see it for a few years if one person helped the other through college. If Sarah worked as a secretary support Sam in college and then they split--sure, Sam can help Sarah get through college.) I've worked my butt off to get where I am. I work a second job around 3 nights a week to make a little extra. I love what I do, but I also made a lot of sacrifices to get here. He has sort of floated around, not committed to anything. Why should I risk supporting him? I know, I know. It would only be if we got married. And if we got married I could insist on a pre-nup. But if we got married, he would lose his alimony from his wife.

So, am I just being shallow here? My ex dropped out of high school, but he was more successful than I was and very smart. I was proud of what he did. It honestly was never an issue. Part of me thinks I should just be glad he's being open about this, but then I wonder if there's other stuff he hasn't disclosed. And the alimony thing just feels wrong to me.

Creepy old men

So I joined a new web site, PlentyOfFish. They have a feature where people can vote on how attractive your pictures are. You can turn this off, but for some reason I didn’t.

I originally put up a photo without makeup and had a guy in the 18-25 vote four and 3 guys in 33-40 vote 6. Then I changed it to a really cute picture with makeup. (This is a super, super cute photo--maybe the cutest photo I’ve had taken in my life. The camera is looking a little down on my. My hair is swinging and I have an impish charming smile. I’m in a party dress and you can tell my arms aren’t super thing, but it is a great photo.)

Here’s what the men voted on a scale of 10.

Average (33 votes): 5.21
18-25 (4 votes) 3.5
26-32 (5 votes) 4.4
33-40 (7 votes) 8.29
41+ (17 votes) 4.59

So this really seems weird. First of all, I’m kind of flattered by the 33-40 year olds. And surprised. The 18-25 year olds, they shouldn’t think I’m cute. I’m too old for them. But the 41+ is creepy. Now there are, I’m sure, 42 year olds who aren’t doing this, but, for the most part, what I’m seeing is much more judgment from older men. The number of older guys who have, out of the blue, contacted me to say mean things (really mean, like "You're stupid and ugly--why don't you give up") has really surprised me, and is a large part of the reason I left CollarMe. I never put a finger on it before (and, of course there are some very nice men who happen to be older than me that I’ve met along the way).

But what the hell is going on with these men? I mean why are there
a) so many older men checking me out (more than all the age groups under 41)
b) they are so much more judgmental than men my age?

I used to think if I dated an older guy he would be happier with my body, but I’m beginning to question that. (I should mention, I wish they had a better breakdown of age data--clearly a 43 year old is different than a 65 year old).

What if these older guys have never accepted that they are getting older? And they know they can't date teenagers anymore because the teenagers won't go out with them, but they are just angry at the women in their 30s for not looking like teenagers?

I also found it very interesting that about 5% of the men allow women to vote on their pics. And when men did, the men were SUPER-bitchy to the other men, giving them ones and two, but the women were super nice to the same guys--giving them 8s and 9s.

My Ex-ex-ex boyfriend

So, my “ex” hasn’t really been my ex for the last three months; we’ve been having a lovely, sweet time. My ex-ex. Lovely enough that I didn’t really want to think about much of anything. It felt good to be in his arms and that was enough. I think that's why I haven't been here much.

But it is time to add an ex there (we'll call him X³ for short). He wanted more. Much more. Marriage more. But he didn’t want to meet me half-way on anything aside from making sex not dreadful. It wasn’t just the kids things (which is a real issue in and of itself). He also didn’t believe he should have to compromise on anything. He’s never once heard me sing or seen me dance or read my work. For the most part, he doesn’t know the part of me that lurks under the socially acceptable mask. He doesn’t support my desire to accomplish something more than have fun today. And frankly, sex with him is boring. Much better than it was, but still predictable and rote.

Sorry to be pop-psychology, but it feels like I'm being forced to make a horrible choice. You can have the 3rd level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs (love) and that will and has helped you with the 4th level (self-esteem), but only if you give up on having the fifth level (experiencing purpose, realizing inner potential) and the 6th level (self-actualization). And my fear is that if I left my X³ go, what if I never find love?

My life, until 2005, was predicated on the assumption that I would never find love. But for a while I did really well on self-actualization. Then men started to see me as attractive and I spent less energy on realizing my potential. I didn't mean to, but it turned out that way.

Now, I want it all, but I'm scared I have to pick between love and self-actualization, and that seems a horrible predicament.

I’ve been in a weird place this week, aching for something more. Someone to care about getting to know me as much as John did, but at the same time want to be with me and plan a future together. And I’ve been deeply saddened because it feels like I missed that chance. I know it is, perchance, silly. Maybe something will happen. I hope. But in the last couple of years I’ve become interested in the possibility of having kids, and I know there isn’t much time left if I want to do that.

I hesitate to write about this again. (Believe it or not, this has been open on my computer for the last day) because I’ve mentioned it before and I don’t want to devolve into maudlin self-pity. But it just feels like there is something inherently wrong, inherently unlovable about me. And my ex says “You are the most amazing woman I know. I want to be with you.” And that is worth SO much. And I’m so grateful. But he has given me the strength to know I should let him go. I just hope he isn't the only man who ever feels that way about me.

Spring Forward, Fall Back

I love autumn. It always feels like the beginning to me. I know that isn't how you're sposed to think of the seasons. Maybe I spent too much time in school, but autumn always feels like anything is possible.

I'm sleeping with my ex. I continue to insist that we're exes. But given that we're spending a couple of night a week together, and I love waking up in his arms, ex is probably the wrong label.

But I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him. Twice he has asked what I'd say if he asked me to marry him. I said I didn't know. I think we both know that means no.

Being with him, right now, heals a part of me. We had a talk about what happened before, and he never realized how it impacted me. He didn't really see the hungry, vulnerable girl that surrenders. He thought that the numbing out was part of how I surrendered. He has never pushed me there since. He keeps an eye on me whenever we're together and when he notices me going to the edge he stops and pulls me back to the present.

There are 2 main reasons I can't commit to spending the rest of my life with him right now. The first has to do with my tendency to just hang-out when we're together. I'm more ambitious than he is, and when we're together we watch a lot of TV and I don't make progress on my longer-term goals. He hasn't read my romance novel (which is mostly done--I'm hiring an editor to do a once over this month and plan to send it out to agents by the end of the year). I understand, because he's a guy. But he doesn't read anything I write (although I expect he would read this blog, if given the URL). I want him to have some interest in my intellectual life--some support. Not just vedge in from of Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann every night.

The second is kids. He's had two. He does not want more, and has had a vasectomy for good measure. I'm deeply unsure, but I can't seem to say "No, I'm not going to have kids" right now. (Although, nature will make that decision for me in the next 4 years, I'm sure.)

So there it is. I feel like I'm hibernating. But I also like I'm heeling in his arms.