My Ex-ex-ex boyfriend

So, my “ex” hasn’t really been my ex for the last three months; we’ve been having a lovely, sweet time. My ex-ex. Lovely enough that I didn’t really want to think about much of anything. It felt good to be in his arms and that was enough. I think that's why I haven't been here much.

But it is time to add an ex there (we'll call him X³ for short). He wanted more. Much more. Marriage more. But he didn’t want to meet me half-way on anything aside from making sex not dreadful. It wasn’t just the kids things (which is a real issue in and of itself). He also didn’t believe he should have to compromise on anything. He’s never once heard me sing or seen me dance or read my work. For the most part, he doesn’t know the part of me that lurks under the socially acceptable mask. He doesn’t support my desire to accomplish something more than have fun today. And frankly, sex with him is boring. Much better than it was, but still predictable and rote.

Sorry to be pop-psychology, but it feels like I'm being forced to make a horrible choice. You can have the 3rd level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs (love) and that will and has helped you with the 4th level (self-esteem), but only if you give up on having the fifth level (experiencing purpose, realizing inner potential) and the 6th level (self-actualization). And my fear is that if I left my X³ go, what if I never find love?

My life, until 2005, was predicated on the assumption that I would never find love. But for a while I did really well on self-actualization. Then men started to see me as attractive and I spent less energy on realizing my potential. I didn't mean to, but it turned out that way.

Now, I want it all, but I'm scared I have to pick between love and self-actualization, and that seems a horrible predicament.

I’ve been in a weird place this week, aching for something more. Someone to care about getting to know me as much as John did, but at the same time want to be with me and plan a future together. And I’ve been deeply saddened because it feels like I missed that chance. I know it is, perchance, silly. Maybe something will happen. I hope. But in the last couple of years I’ve become interested in the possibility of having kids, and I know there isn’t much time left if I want to do that.

I hesitate to write about this again. (Believe it or not, this has been open on my computer for the last day) because I’ve mentioned it before and I don’t want to devolve into maudlin self-pity. But it just feels like there is something inherently wrong, inherently unlovable about me. And my ex says “You are the most amazing woman I know. I want to be with you.” And that is worth SO much. And I’m so grateful. But he has given me the strength to know I should let him go. I just hope he isn't the only man who ever feels that way about me.