Attempting to Avoid Self-Pity

I spoke with "Colorado" and he was boring! He spoke kind of slow, and kept saying "I love smart people." The fourth or fifth time he mentioned it, and then brought the conversation back to golf, I realized, we had nothing in common. I take smart people for granted. I pretty much only hang out with them. He just didn't hang out with smart people enough to practice the pace of conversation.

A number of my friends (but not close friends) have recently gotten engaged, and my best friend is practically engaged.

I'm happy for all of them, but also, of course, so left out.

I try to say "What is wrong with me" from an analytical point of view, so I can try to exam and change, but the list seems hard to change.

• I'm not thin. And I honestly have fought with this all my life. At a size 16, I can sort of pass at the heavier end of normal, but it is an issue.
• I have the scares from being really heavy. At one point, I was a size 22. I never learned how to flirt and I carry the emotional sense of not being attractive, even though, objectively speaking, I'm probably on the more attractive half of women my age.
• I'm too intense. Maybe it is the Scorpio in me. Or the grad school. But either way, I can't let incorrect facts go by and I'm too committed to the things I believe in.
• I'm outside the mainstream on many things. I mean, just not having a TV. John is the only man I've been romantically interested who didn't have one either.

The feminist in me points out one other huge thing. My best friend--she only had one semester of college. Every single one of my female friends who either has a doctorate of some sort (I'm counting the J.D. as a doctorate) or has published a book is single. The only exception has her book coming out in November.

I don't want to blame societal factors and live a miserable, unhappy, bitter life. I want to change myself to get what I want. But I don't know how.

It is a beautiful day today. If John and I were hanging out, we'd undoubtedly be meandering through the waterfront. Or take the ferry across the sound and hike in the woods. We'd have our cameras, stop to take photos, have a lovely, leisurely lunch, hike some more and have dinner with tons of alcohol where we'd spill our guts to each other. Instead, I'm going to start itemizing my deductions. Hardly seems like a good trade-off.