Hung over

John and I made up this morning. But.

I think we both know that these issues will flair again at some point. We've been spending a full weekend day most weeks with each other. We don't have plans next weekend (and I'm not going to initiate them, although I'd love to spend a day with him), but we have them the following.

But evaluating this whole thing, John has given me standards for the men I date. I honestly had very, very poor standards before. I let men treat me badly, and they did. Now, I'm picky. When a man says (and yes, a man said this a couple of weeks ago--there is no way I could make this up): "I'm having prostate problems, so I really should be having sex on a regular basis" I say "good luck with that" and disappear. Before I'd be like "well, I'm sure he didn't really mean it that way. He was probably just..."

I've also noticed that I feel mauled by men who touch me when I don't like them. Even the guy getting alimony from his ex-wife--I really wanted the evening to be over, but let him kiss me multiple times. I kept my mouth closed, but he kept trying to tongue my lips. It felt easier to be polite and say no later, over e-mail, when he had no way of getting in contact with me. If I went out with him now, I'd be like "I don't think this will work" because I can't stand even sort-of polite social touching. (I went out with a guy I instantly disliked and he put his arm around my shoulder and I instantly got good posture, and then he held my hand and I have to use my other hand to unpry his fingers from me. If this had happened 5 months ago, I'd be like 'sure--it's just hand holding--not a problem.) But none of these are men I'd have wanted to see again if John weren't in the picture.

There was one man I've met since John and I started hanging out again in November, that might interest me. (We sat next to each other on a plane and had a wonderful conversation.) Unfortunately, he lives 7 hours from me, is 15 years older, and while we've been penpals, he's had no indication of any interest beyond e-mails.

Several of the people I trust the most think John is taking the emotional energy I might have for another man, and until I let John go, I can't bring that energy into my life. I'm not so sure. I was attracted to the one guy who lived too far away, so I think that means I'd be open. It just seems like I'm going through a total dry spell and being clear and realistic about the men that are of no interest.

So, we continue, in our fucked-up, neurotic, beautiful, kind world.