Anyway, it really bothered me. I seem to be at this place where I want men to protect me and I believe men should protect women. Before I always felt like women could take care of themselves, but I don't feel that anymore. I'm glad I realized so quickly he wouldn't respect what I need. But it bothered me more than it should.
In an attempt to move on with my life, I'm forcing myself to flirt and trying to be open. It is harder than it has ever been. I have little tolerance for twits (one guy would only chat if I got yahoo. I refused with no regrets, but that is totally not like me!).
I have been flirting with 2 men. We'll call one of them "Colorado" and the other one "Suburbs." (Gee, I wonder how I came up with those names?) Both are openly into D/s and read the innuendo in my profile, but there the similarities end.
On paper, Suburbs would seem like the better bet, and not just because he lives 15 miles from me, but continuing to flirt with him feels like an obligation. Nothing fun about it at all. He is relatively handsome, but not intellectually curious. Worse, he jumped straight into the capital letters/lower case letters thing (which is a convention some people in the D/s community use to show who is Dominant and who is submissive) and I abhor that. There have been a very few moments where it was fun (and only when men asked permission to do it and had a sweetness to it), but mostly I find it boorish and annoying.
As soon as men do it , it immediately gets my hackles up. I really want a man who will meet me as equals, dance as equals, and only lead when it is appropriate. Men who demand the lead too soon, it is all wrong. I used to tolerate it, and now it just sends my danger signals up.
"Suburbs" also seems to have the problems I associate with the suburbs. (I hate the suburbs. I get affluenza very easily, and for me it does really send me into a depression until I get out. That mixture of restlessness and aimlessness assuaged only by consumption is really toxic to my system.) We have nothing in common that I can see, aside from the kink. He is into conspicuous consumption, and I suppose I am too, but of a very different sort. I'm totally happy to buy classes, trips, experiences. And I know those all cost money, but it just isn't the same to me as a car, or the latest apple gadget. Things you can buy bore me (although experiences you can buy don't.)
I seemed to have scared "Suburbs" off anyway--he said "ask me anything" so I did:
What do you get the most excited about? What makes your eyes light up? Do you like people who talk quickly or slowly? What do you most like about your current life and what would you most like to change? What are you looking for and what have you found?
Evidently--I'm too intense for Suburbs. And for most people. But I kind of knew that already. I'm trying to figure out if I just wasn't into him because he seemed available, but I don't think that's the case.
Meanwhile, there is Colorado. I'm not particularly attracted to him on a physical level, but we keep having lovely conversations. I started talking to him in an attempt to get out of my post-John funk. We've acknowledged the D/s interest, and that we live too far away, but we just keep chatting, and I'm really enjoying our conversations. We seem to go a little deep--not a lot, but we keep touching on the introspective sides. He and I have remarkably similar professions, and it is fun seeing things from his angle. We also seem to have similar values.
Part of me is looking for a fling as I think it is the only way to get John out of my system. And I think 'well, why not? There's no danger of me becoming too attached in the long run" but maybe there is. My ex wasn't my physical type either. But if the other parts of our relationship had worked, that wouldn't have mattered. I don't want a long-distance relationship. But I suppose it would be better than pining over John. I doubt, seriously, that anything would come of it. But it is good for me to start the process of moving on.
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