Anyway, he was in the Reserve, so I did e-mail him occasionally (only returning his e-mails) while he was in Iraq for a year, but only out of the guilt of wanting to live up to the yellow ribbon on the back of my car. We hadn't spoken for months.
Anyway, he found me on a vanilla dating site, and called me his sub. And it was good--I told him I don't go there anymore, and really didn't give any clue that he had impacted me, literally. But he started IMing with me and I told him that I stopped doing bdsm after him (actually I said "the scene" but he knew what I meant). And I told him that what happened with us hadn't been good for me. I didn't say "you were the straw that broke me" or anything like that. But I was clear and direct. And, he apologized!!!!! Wow!!!
So I stuck up for myself. I was nice about it and kind of really downplayed it. But I stood up for myself and he apologized! It felt like it sort of helped heal a little rawness there. I'm SO bad at standing up for myself with anyone I might have cared about. (I'm the only woman working in my office, and even though I technically could have "Dr" in front of my name, although it's just a JD, but I mean, I do have more education than almost any of the men), they keep referring to each other as "Mr." and me by my first name in all the minutes of our meetings, and this week I asked that we do them consistently--either me as Ms. or the guys by their first names. I hope I didn't piss anyone off. I was nice about it. But it really pissed me off for a while. I somehow thought someone (one of the secretaries maybe?) that it should be the same. But the secretaries kind of resent having to do things for a woman. They don't have my back.)
Anyway, The Republican asked me for a favor (he wants some pictures taken, and thinks I'm a good photographer, just to tie John into this mess) and I agreed, but told him I'm not flirting or anything--just taking pictures. But I want to see him and be in charge of my emotions and know that I can be strong and whole and not let him under my skin. I think he thinks he can get under my skin again. But he couldn't dominate me now. I mean not unless he tried to be a friend for a few months first and I seriously doubt he'd ever do that! Now isn't that funny--John wanted to be friends, cause he didn't want to sleep with me. And now the only way I'd ever see being with The Republican was if we were friends. But I suppose that is because I'm the one that doesn't think I want him. Way easier to give ambivalence than to receive it! (I'm not bitter about John--I really, truly, wish him a joyous life and hope he finds a soul mate. I just want the same for me too!)
So I told The Republican I would never submit to a man I didn't love, and that, I think, is a goal. I may not make it. It is possible some man, someday, will seduce me and dominate me, but it does seem I run away from men that try to do that mostly. I would be vulnerable if someone was a very good ballroom dancer. But other than that, I think my guards go up very quickly. Too quickly.
I have sometimes fantasized about The Republican because that was the last time I felt really sexual. I mean the kind that is intoxicating and soul shaking. We never had sex, but oh did we flirt like hell. My orgasms have probably been about 1/4 what they were before that happened. Sometimes I'm scared it is just getting older, but I can't imagine I'd have a hormonal change like that in a day. I would think it would be a slope, not a cliff.
Watching Elena Kagan's nomination, and all the discussion about how she's not gay, bothered me. "She's just smart and picky." As Maureen Dowd said: "Elena is anything but a history-making, barrier-breaking, proud, strong, happy gay woman. She’s a garden-variety, sad, scary, single, childless career woman who can’t get a man because she’s too smart, works too much and refuses to settle." The latter half seems like it describes me right now, although probably not scary. Pathetic maybe. Well, hell. Maybe I'll be on the supreme court in 15 years. Any maybe my defenders would bring up this blog and say "see--she isn't a lesbian, she's a frustrated bdsmer." Yeah, maybe not.
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