Flirting

I took a ‘creative movement’ dance class today. And there was a man in the class. (Actually there were 3.) But one of the men started to flirt with me. And my first reaction was to start to ignore him. But he was cute and a voice said in my head “you don’t have to sleep with him just because you flirt.” So instead I started to flirt back. Little old, uptight, earnest me. It was really fun! Afterwards, he ignored me, which was a little disappointing, but also very freeing.

I don’t flirt with a man, unless I think there’s a good chance I might sleep with him, which is a pretty high bar. It also means that I make pretty snap judgments about people and don’t really give things a chance. The only real exception in my life is Karaoke, where I’ll sing songs to whoever is making eye contact.

I think part of this is that I was sort of semi-raped when I was 17. I have felt for a while that the term ‘rape’ didn’t really apply, because I gave very mixed signals and only said ‘no’ when things got more intense. He was older (9 years) and had gotten me quite drunk. But it wasn't like I didn't want to drink. I didn't hold my liquor well, but I wanted to be a grown-up that night. When I said ‘no,’ I didn’t say it forcefully. And I am sure that my body language contradicted my actual words, and I really do believe humans are hard-wired to listen to non-verbal when verbal and non-verbal language contradicts each other.

So I have made sure I didn't get in another situation like that one. In part but not flirting unless I feel ready to follow through, all the way to intercourse, which is a pretty silly guideline.

A few years ago I went to a guy’s house, and this was a man I was not interested in. He and I were having a very awkward date and when he suggested a movie, I thought the body language on both sides was so very clear that there could be no doubting it. I said “I don’t think this is a good idea” and he said “on my oath of honor, I will be a perfect gentleman,” so it seemed like an easy way out of an awkward situation. It seemed that watching a movie was more polite than, after 20 minutes, saying “you know I don’t like you,” so I went. I sat primly on the edge of the sofa, as far away from him as possible, with perfect posture, with my legs crossed away from him and my arms carefully around my bag. When he put his arm around me and tried to kiss me, I said no. When he grabbed me, I shoved him hard and got up. When he grabbed my hand, I wrenched free and immediately left. Fortunately I had comfortable shoes in my bag because my heels stayed in his apartment. While I felt stupid for going to his house, I was a little pround of being very clear; I thought this is how women should act when they aren’t interested.

But I have ignored the tangled mess that is human interaction. By trying to fit attraction into a binary model (yes or no), when sometimes I might like someone, or have fun flirting, but not want to sleep with him, or not want to sleep with him today, I think I’ve lost something. I want to learn to flirt without committing to intercourse. Maybe I’ll get called a tease once or twice. But maybe I’ll be open to new experiences that will bring me joy.

I'm going to a dance tonight. I intend to flirt with 2 strangers and go home alone.

Update:
The dance was cancelled, but I ran into my dance partner and he and I made contact and both said we had a lovely time. We thanked each other and went our several ways. I had the feeling I could have slept with him. If I were home, I would have at least given him my name. But I'm at a resort for a weekend, so I don't see how more flirting would be anything other than a one-night stand. And I don't want to give my heart freely and don't know how to have sex without giving my heart.