Submission Vs. Unconditional Love

I was struck by my statement in the last post that I want unconditional love because the whole D/s dynamic is the exact opposite. The in D/s dynamic I know, it gives me a way to earn love--to prove I'm lovable.

When I have been obedient, and he grabs my hair, then kisses me and whispers 'good girl,' oh, I melt.

I also notice that I do things for people. All the time. I don't have a problem with that. I enjoy tending to people's needs. I love taking care of people.

But with 'my ex'--me needs a name. Not the recent ex, the long ago ex, let's call him Antony. I suppose that makes me Cleopatra. I can live with that. With Antony, there was never a sense of him just delighting in my the way I am. With the guy I dated this year, I would wake up and he would be playing with my hair and stroking my face and I wanted to stay in his arms for ever.

I think if I ever try D/s again, it would have to be after that dynamic, the sense that he cherished me, even when I was sleeping, was already established.

Dieting, submission and unconditional love

I'm reading this terrific diet book called The Four-Day Win. In it, she posits that traditional diets create a mind/computer/dictator/predator versus creature/wild child/prey dichotomy. The we override our sensory data to try and lose weight and inevitably the creature/wild child/prey rebels. I'm finding this book incredibly useful to me. I think for me, at least, this is true. (I had a minor medical procedure earlier this year, but I gained 10 pounds and have lost those 10 pounds in the last month. I'm going to keep working with this book because it is incredibly useful. I'm enjoying food more and having some amazing splurges but eating less.)

Several things I've found as I've been journaling and exploring this book.

My "Wild Child" wants unconditional love. A very great part of me doesn't believe I should have to lose weight to be loved. Another part of me says "nonsense--everyone is judged on what they look like before they are judged on who they are." But deep, deep down, I don't want to accept that. I think a huge reason as to why I loved John so much was that sense that it was about who I was more than what I looked like. Between the thousands of e-mails and the hours walking and talking, and the pictures he took of me not at my best that he thought revealed a vulnerability that I don't show (and he recognized that), he and I connected deep down.

And when he didn't fall in love with me, it felt like a rejection of who I am, not what I look like.

I don't know what to do with that information. I know I'd rather be loved for what I look like, than not loved at all. I also think if I were a size 4, I'd be pretty fucking hot. I gained weight early enough in my life that I don't really think these issues were at play, but I'm just holding them as a possibility.

I have ignored my "wild child" for much of my life. I started "Weight Watchers" officially in the 4th grade (although I'd been dieting much earlier than that). I never really enjoyed sweets. I wolfed them down like a prey animal about to be attacked.

I think submission was linked to this. That an outside protector would hurt me, but also protect me and grant me pleasure. (I do notice the past tense. I think, right now, the past tense is appropriate.)

So I'm trying to be kinder to my 'wild child' and figure out exactly what she wants, rather than losing control and having things that don't delight her. It does seem, if she is honored and delighted once a week or so, she is happy to be healthy the rest of the week. We'll see if that continues.

Standing my ground!

So this guy was talking with me on the phone (and he was at a loud bar, which I find obnoxious), and he tried to get me to talk about the strength of my orgasms with the last guy I was involved with. I said "I need to know you better to have this conversation" and he said why and was kind of badgering me, and I said "I'm not comfortable with this" and he said "it doesn't matter." So I hung up on him!

I have never hung up on anyone in my life.

He then called 3 times and 3 times I sent it to voice mail. I did send him an e-mail in response to his voice mail, which was clear and explained that "It doesn't matter" is not a response to "I'm uncomfortable with this" that I could deal with.

It feels really good. Like me saying "No--you can't treat me like that." I've never had the strength to do that. Typically, I'm polite, and then disappear. I don't like conflict and I never stand up for myself like that. I'm proud of myself!