Dieting, submission and unconditional love

I'm reading this terrific diet book called The Four-Day Win. In it, she posits that traditional diets create a mind/computer/dictator/predator versus creature/wild child/prey dichotomy. The we override our sensory data to try and lose weight and inevitably the creature/wild child/prey rebels. I'm finding this book incredibly useful to me. I think for me, at least, this is true. (I had a minor medical procedure earlier this year, but I gained 10 pounds and have lost those 10 pounds in the last month. I'm going to keep working with this book because it is incredibly useful. I'm enjoying food more and having some amazing splurges but eating less.)

Several things I've found as I've been journaling and exploring this book.

My "Wild Child" wants unconditional love. A very great part of me doesn't believe I should have to lose weight to be loved. Another part of me says "nonsense--everyone is judged on what they look like before they are judged on who they are." But deep, deep down, I don't want to accept that. I think a huge reason as to why I loved John so much was that sense that it was about who I was more than what I looked like. Between the thousands of e-mails and the hours walking and talking, and the pictures he took of me not at my best that he thought revealed a vulnerability that I don't show (and he recognized that), he and I connected deep down.

And when he didn't fall in love with me, it felt like a rejection of who I am, not what I look like.

I don't know what to do with that information. I know I'd rather be loved for what I look like, than not loved at all. I also think if I were a size 4, I'd be pretty fucking hot. I gained weight early enough in my life that I don't really think these issues were at play, but I'm just holding them as a possibility.

I have ignored my "wild child" for much of my life. I started "Weight Watchers" officially in the 4th grade (although I'd been dieting much earlier than that). I never really enjoyed sweets. I wolfed them down like a prey animal about to be attacked.

I think submission was linked to this. That an outside protector would hurt me, but also protect me and grant me pleasure. (I do notice the past tense. I think, right now, the past tense is appropriate.)

So I'm trying to be kinder to my 'wild child' and figure out exactly what she wants, rather than losing control and having things that don't delight her. It does seem, if she is honored and delighted once a week or so, she is happy to be healthy the rest of the week. We'll see if that continues.