If only I could come up with a good enough title....

So Joshua called me yesterday morning.

And this morning. ;) So that angst has passed.

My expectations of perfection, however, have not.

My assumption, and fear, that my needy cat would scare away Joshua is rather interesting. And the truth is, I'm this flawed human, and while I don't expect perfection in others, regardless of my awareness of my perfectionism issue, that knot doesn't seem to be loosening. All that happens is I'm slowly correcting some of my myriad of imperfections. But my need for perfection, my underlying belief that I am unlovable without perfection remains.

I guess I don't really understand how love works. I look at women who's lives are totally out of control, and they have partners, and I wonder how anyone could love them. I see women who are gorgeous and total bitches and men love them. Then there's me. Pretty, but a little plump. Loyal and giving, but smart and opinionated. Self sufficient, and yet yearning to be claimed. I seem to be on the outside looking in.

I don't have the same presumption of perfection for men. Hell, when John thought he might have ALS, it never occurred to me I'd do anything other than be with him the whole time.

On the other hand, I am aware that I have high standards. I spoke with a guy off the internet last night, and he just bored me. Completely and totally bored me. He probably had an IQ of 120; he wasn't stupid. But he wasn't quick, wasn't interested in a conversation as much an an audience. I just felt trapped! (And I was playing video games while he was talking, and I still felt trapped.)

(I only have one close friend in a serious relationship, and I would never agree to a relationship on the terms that she has. She basically supports him and their child completely financially, so that their relationship doesn't reduce his dreams of being an artist. I don't expect a man to support me; I think I would actually be uncomfortable if he did. But I would have a very hard time supporting a 45-year old guy who wanted to be a rock star and was only getting local bookings that covered only his drinks. I just couldn't. Maybe that's why I'm single.)

I'm also rigid. I was chatting with a guy, and he wanted to chat on yahoo and I said "I don't use yahoo" and he said 'get an account' and I said "I think they're evil." I explained about the bloggers in China that yahoo identified and testified, that the Chinese government imprisoned and he said "I don't care what your reasons are." As if I would ever

I guess I was hoping if I understood the foundation of some of my issues, I could begin to change them. But this perfectionism thing doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

I guess all I can do is realize that perfectionism thing is one more imperfection, and maybe I can hold it with a little bit of love. If I can actually pull that off, it might be the start of dealing with it! I'm not getting rid of my needy, loving cat!

I am such an idiot

So Joshua, from December, and I were talking again. And we were flirting. And today, he got on the trian to my place and didn't tell me until he was on the train. (He lives about 90 minutes away.) He told me he could get off at the next stop, but I didn't tell him too.

He is allergic to cats and I have 2. So I tried to make the spare room as uncatted as possible before he got here.

I was scared. I mean, like shaking scared. I don't know why. I guess it didn't have the trappings of dinner and drinks and something just sort of happening.

He was really sweet with me. Quite gentle. Very protective and calming. When I tried to set limits, he was funny--agreed to all my limits, but not because I wanted them, but because he didn't think I was ready to go beyond those limits.

He spanked me. Hard. And not in a playful, erotic, seductive way. Just hard. But then he was lovely and warm and comforting.

But my cat was crying outside the room.

We snuggled. I gave him a quite succesful blow job. He tried to fall asleep. But my cat was crying out of the room.

He checked the time, tried to fall asleep again, but my cat was crying outside the room.

I told him he could go. I knew he had an early morning. And my cat was crying outside the room.

He left. At 2:20 in the morning. Without even a passionate french kiss goodbye. Just left.

Somehow, I felt like I was auditioning, and I'll never see him again. I liked him. I did.

And heres the real knife--he said he was going to take the trian home. The next trian isn't till 6 am. He left at 2:20, to sleep in the train station for 3 hours. And, of course, me being me, I texted him and offered to let him have the guest room and I'd sleep in my bad so the cat wouldn't whine, and he never even returned my text.

But, and this sounds so stupid, but early in the evening, I held my ring with my other hand and asked "John" what he thought and I just heard a voice saying "Connie, be careful." And so I was a little more cautious. But I liked him. I really did.

I'll be OK. Don't even think I'll cry this time. But I can feel a little layer of hardness going up. A little bit of protective armor, that I've worked so hard to try and let go of.

I feel so stupid. So very stupid. I try so hard to not be needy. My cat is proudly and openly needy. And so it seems that her neediness reflects on me. I try to hide my needy side; I try to be carefree and fun loving. And somehow or other, there are cracks in the armor. My attempts at a facade seem to make me more needy and less capable of being loved.

100 Easy Ways to Lose a Man....

Once again, I managed to get into an argument with a guy that I liked because I was "right" and he was "wrong." Of course, I was right and he was wrong. Nancy Pelosi is the house minority leader. And as he was complaining that the Democrats kicked Pelosi out of a leadership position because they lost seats in the house, I heard myself say to myself 'Connie--really, what do you have to gain by arguing this point.' And yet, I couldn't help myself. But here's the thing: if I just said "oh, gee, you're right. That's awful that they kicked her out" instead of "well, she did get demoted to house minority leader, but you couldn't expect the Republicans to vote for her as their leader" then I wouldn't be me. I tried playing dumb for years, and it worked for maybe a month, and then I'd start to get really mad at the guy because he thought I was dumb. Gee, I wonder where he got that idea? Maybe I shouldn't be mad at the poor guy for not seeing through my act, but I am a pretty good actress. I came to the conclusion that I couldn't actually expect to sustain a relationship with a guy that I had to pretend to be dumb for. But.... I have to wonder if it is only in the movies that the "sharp, intellectual kind" of girl finds a guy. 93 ways to go....